Missing relationships

[NightFury]

@Appleblossom thank you for sharing.

I actually hate that - having to man up in a tough world. It's been the same in my life - don't be vulnerable because vulnerability is a weakness, people take it and use it to hurt you. Yeah, I also realise how cynical that sounds. I had to learn how to celebrate on my own in a sense. Like for birthdays, I started my own tradition of buying myself a fancy cake. 

[avant-garde]

@NightFury 

So since moving where I am I have gotten into a laundry routine which involves this beautiful (and albeit expensive) gift and homewares store. 

Every week I have a budget of $20 and go get something nice like a hand cream or a deck of playing cards. 

I learned about a month ago that they do laybys and yesterday I asked if they do custom hampers and if I could layby one of those. They said yes so I got to go around and pick out an estimate of $160 for a birthday hamper for me. My birthday is 2 months away

[Appleblossom]

@NightFury dad had died when I was 11, so we had to figure out practical things like making money and fixing things. It wasn’t all bad… I have a good memory of getting an old television to work…with my brother… so there are resilient stories… I also did maths / science so got into good uni… but really working on female friendships recently. Trusting females has been almost harder than trusting men. I made some connections, On this forum, actually…. I was never that butch, Eg wore long skirt to church today, but it has been hard for girls/women my own age to empathise, because of the extremity of my circumstances.

@avant-garde hearing you about caring for your mother, and having religion misused, to shame and gaslight. My mother did that as well. I was so determined not to do that, but still was not good enough, because my mother manipulated my daughter and also silenced us from saying we had ever been in orphanages. I guess that is why I talk about it now.

it’s tricky carving out a life….

thanks for talking with depth.

these days I wear a lot of scarves. They add a bit of colour and warmth…

[avant-garde]

@Appleblossom @NightFury 

I got hurt last week because of these missing relationships... I was due to have lunch with a friend and his wife. He's another brother type friend and he means a great deal to me. 

Before he got there I asked her something.

You see, I have my double tooth extractions this coming Wednesday and my friends office is across the road from my current dentist. 

I will be on a strong anti anxiety medication for the extractions and need somewhere that I can just chill after the procedure until the meds wear off.

You would potentially normally have family around you to drive you home or take care of you...

She she has her own opinions on this... that it's unprofessional... not appropriate... shouldn't ask... told to just go to the library...

We were there to celebrate me being 7 years clean and she made me feel so unwanted... like such a weight... like I'm wrong to want this... that I'm just a burden... that I'm wrong to need them... to need support...

my friend got there and his wife ended up getting upset and leaving and I asked him and he said it's fine and booked the board room for me. 

But it tainted the whole reason we were there, that I wanted to celebrate with them the accomplishment of 7 years clean.

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you about the difficulties of getting support. @avant-garde I am sorry it went pear shaped with that couple. Good that he stood by you, at least you know the score with his wife. I have found it important to be very careful about all interaction with married couples, as their insecurities creep in and can muddy the waters, if an opposite se x friendship is too good. I have been extremely sensitive about carrying my own weight and issues and find that most people have very little leftover to give me support. 

This week I had a friend check in with me about a challenging event. I was so grateful that she remembered the date and cared and we spoke for an hour, about it and other general stuff.

Good luck with your dental work next week. It’s a lot and give yourself a full day or 2 get through it.

@NightFury my cat wants to play…lol

[NightFury]

@avant-garde people don't understand if they haven't experienced and if you're anything like me at the moment - I just want people around me who see me, hear me, understand me. Who I can be authentic around and unmask around. I'm tired of pretending. Those people though, are few and far between, I think. 

Don't give up though, keep trying to find your tribe. 

@Appleblossom naw...your cat wants attention! 

[Just]

@avant-garde Didn't know that it was missing. But as I don't have anyone close except for my teenage daughter every other week, I didn't know this was missing. I must be in complete denial of what's going on in my life.

[Junie]

This I resonate with. The loss and grief can be so unexpected I didn't realise how it would affect me. 

My sister drove past me in a car park last week. My daughter was waving. It killed me but my sister is stubborn and is not nice always told me to go away f off no one like you. 

I try to hold onto the better feelings that I won't be exposing my daughters to that behaviour. And that is ok. 

Just sucks to miss and be wanting that kind of connection. 

Big hugs 🤗 

[avant-garde]

@Just 

It may take some time before it hits, I know it took some time for me

@Junie 

 This sounds all very new to you, how are you coping with it?

Loss and grief are both really normal emotions to have with this, I know it's hard but sitting with those feelings is important too.

So your children understand to some degree? 

💜

[Junie]

my kids understand the older two understand and have had toxic behaviour done to them. Youngest is semi we have been open and honest with them. 

It all new and hard to cope with.... Day to day is super hard.