Missing relationships

[avant-garde]

@Junie 

I've been no contact with my parents for 7 years, they have only found me once and then I moved churches, moved house and eventually changed my name. 

The first 2 weeks are the hardest, but you have a lot of your plate.

How are you going with taking care of you? 

I'm needing to go to sleep now, but I'll check in when I wake up

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[Junie]

@avant-garde I struggle so bad with looking after myself. 

I will always have that spare boost to take care of some one else before I take care of me. Then I'm riddled with self hate like I've never know who I really am. 

Thanks for replying getting used to the forums. 

[avant-garde]

Hey @Junie 

You sound like me, always trying to care for others, others needs are more important than my own, the monologue that I'm not worth taking care of, that I'm useless, etc. I still do it sometimes, especially when things go wrong or not as I expected.

It's taken me a long time to start figuring out who I am and what I enjoy. 

When I first moved out of home 15 years ago I moved 7 times in 1 year because I didn't know how to live outside an abusive environment and refused to move back to my parents. 

In the last 2 weeks a bunch of us have downloaded this app called "finch" and I am finding that caring for me is less hard because to care for this tiny little bird and watch it grow and explore you have to care for yourself at least a little to help the bird grow. 

The fact that you give so much of yourself to care for others gives you a clue as to what makes you happy, you can care for others while discovering yourself. 

I found that I like happy meals, that I like children because the child in me comes alive, I like finding odd uses for things and seeing beyond the expected. 

The first piece of homework I received from a therapist was to watch children and see how they discover, then to eventually try myself. 

I still watch the children at church and they still adore me. The parents see the value in me too, especially with the neurodivergent children, I get them and help the parents learn. 

You'll get there, and we're here to walk with you 💜

[Junie]

@avant-garde 

I love happy meals 😀 🤤 

Its tough with my family they don't like to let it be. The guilt trip of snail mail we have been getting just addressed to the kids. Although they missed the oldest one in the last round. 

The youngest was the worst so far. At the end they said. Its been two years since we've seen you 😞 actually drew a sad face. 

Its full of guilt trips. 

I chose no reply as it only encourages them. 

So bloody hard. I just hope this decision was the right one.

Its nice to to have them up my bum 24/7 if they couldn't reach me via phone they would call DH at work so inappropriate as he was a manger at that time. 

[avant-garde]

@Junie 

Do you pass the letters into your kids or do you hold onto them? 

They sound toxic...

Have you considered a restraining order? 

I used to feel this compulsion to move every 2 years for fear of being found, had to keep moving, had to keep running. 

Hun, what they're doing is not ok

How are you coping with it all?

[Junie]

@avant-garde we let them choose and I have put them aside.

Its not ok. Restraint order I just can't do. 

I'm already doing legal action for protection against someone else. 

We just keep being open and talking. 

Its not fun it's not  made and easier with my other stressors and life in general. 

I'm in therapy and hopefully make some progress with some trauma. I'm just ghosting them really ATM. Only message back it it's a birthday wish or celebration message. I don't contact my sister at all nor her family as I don't think it's respectful to message kids. 

Moving isn't an option we have a good mortgage and buying again now wouldn't help. 

[Junie]

Stepping in a good direction. 

Swapping my personal plates for normal ones. 

It worked my sister drove past this morning no idea who it was. Makes me feel a bit better she was obviously looking for my personal plates.