Missing relationships

[avant-garde]

There's a difference between loneliness and grief that I don't think people quite know how to see or articulate. 

It's that depth of connection that you have with a family, with siblings and parents, the mum growing to be a friend, brothers to banter with, and all the things you see in *other* families. You miss that.

You have these fulfilling relationships in your everyday life that bring you meaning and joy, but for those big events with people who have been with you for so much of your life, you don't have those.

That's what domestic violence and childhood abuse does, it changes or eliminates them, and for some, there is no replacing them either.

I don't get lonely as much as I get sad for the loss of these relationships. 

Every week and sometimes every day I'm reminded of these missing relationships. 

What I missed yesterday was the depth in relationship required to share this 7 year anniversary, nobody in my life knew me 7 years ago. I'd only just met my best friend 7 years ago who didn't even know until I told her earlier this week.

I had no one walking with me then that is walking with me now. 

Birthdays, Christmas, milestones, I find they're rarely considered important enough for people to set aside and celebrate. 

This then leads to loneliness because you feel that loss more. 

I know I'm not alone in this grief, there are more people out there that will be able to relate, so maybe this is for them as much as it's for me

[NightFury]

@avant-garde slightly different circumstances but similar feelings that you speak about.

I moved to left Tassieland on boxing day 2023 for a number of reasons, and landed in QLD. I spent a whole year crying every night because I was homesick, lost and constantly living in fear mode, terrified of life outside of what was comfortable and familiar to me. I had taken myself away from the people that I cared about - from my family, from my friends and from the connection I had with my home. Being away from them...hurt. I was already a little broken to be honest (as I'm starting to understand and accept now. I left because I was S and in pain and terrified of it) but my experience of QLD and what ended in a complete break down of my friendships there, shattered me into 1000 tiny pieces. 

I spent Christmas of 2024 all by myself. The day you're supposed to be surrounded by family and friends - the person I thought was my friend walked out the front door and left me to deal with the emotions of Christmas day isolated from my family, on my own. This was the decision making catalyst I needed. I was sent some money for Christmas and the next day, I used that to book myself a ticket on the Spirit home. 

Now, a little like you, I don't really get lonely either- I crave connection though. Connection on a deeper level with people who see, hear and know me. I want to talk about the big things, I want to be able to unmask and be my authentic self around them. I actually only have one friend who is able to do that for me and I am grateful that she is in my life. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I can definitely relate. 

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you about anniversaries and missing relationships. @avant-garde it has happened hugely in my life, even though I am diligent about reaching out and keeping in touch. This week my new psychologist offered me a session on a public holiday that is also a birthday of 2 people close in my life that I have had to “let go” of; my dead sister and my grandson. These are little coincidences that maybe random or meaningful. I don’t know, but I will focus on the in the session.

take care @NightFury 

[avant-garde]

@Appleblossom @NightFury 

I find that when I'm sick (like with a cold right now) that I miss and grieve for someone to take care of me... to check in and to love me...

[NightFury]

Me too @avant-garde me too.

And it's so complex because it then just hits like a sucker punch to the stomach, that those people don't exist in my life. I wonder what we could do though to take care of ourselves in that regard?

[avant-garde]

@NightFury 

I watch kids shows, snuggle in with my numerous plushies and cry myself to sleep most often

[NightFury]

@avant-garde oh hun, I don't know what to say...other than to reach out and give you hug through the screen. 

[avant-garde]

I like this one best @NightFury 

[Appleblossom]

Tbh @avant-garde @NightFury I have never had that. People caring for me, as a kid, teen or grown up. Just had to man up in a tough world. Remembering my birthday has rarely been anyone else’s bother, just my son. Mostly I have had to do the caring, and sadly it is often not reciprocated. This year I wondered if things were changing as 2 men were “interested “, but it was not going to be deep or satisfying for me, as they were fixated on themselves and… you know what…best I face up to the probability there won’t be anyone.  Yes, self care can be hard, but we find ways. Glad you two are chatting. Take care both of you…

[avant-garde]

@Appleblossom I didn't have it growing up either, I took care of my mum not the other way around. When I was sick it just gave opportunity for strong pain killers and more abuse being told that it was a sin issue and I needed cleansing.

I had to learn how to take care of me when I'm sick as an adult and had no one to teach me.