Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Former-Member!

Longer response tomorrow (it's bedtime and I've been crying.... )

But you're right. A lot of my self esteem rests on my job. I guess I've also been judged so much by my peers for not having a 'good job' compared to them. But mainly from me. 

Thank you about the time thing. I think that's one of my other big things. I've spent my 20's fighting, not living. I'm so far behind my peers and I fear I'll never have a family. 

I've been contacting therapists, quite a few have got back to me, but two have said they probably won't take me on as I'm too recently out of hosptial and I've had several episodes of psychosis. The other factor is money. Psychodynamic therapy is supposed to be long term and if I'm unemployed in 10 weeks, I wont be able to afford it. But I think I really need a therapist of some sort. I think this is the most important bit. 

I am literally on my second glass of sav blanc as I type. 

"You get to write how it goes from here."

Thanks @Former-Member, that last bit sums it up, and means the most. 

Also my apologies for spelling/typing errors.... I don't have my glasses on, so I can't see the screen as I'm typing. 

[Former-Member]

Absolutely, no need to drink @PeppiPatty 😄. You are most welcome to sew. Perhaps we can drink in my bar in the woods you once described. 😊  

Thank you for your kind words but I see so very many members on the forum with so much wisdom and compassion. Everyday I am on here I learn something new or see the very best of humanity or discover something through a new lens. You are a great teacher of these things too @PeppiPatty. 💜🤗💐

@Former-Member Take care and speak soon. Please don't feel like you need to respond more unless you want to. 💜🤗💐

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hear hear ❣

Lateral thinking might be part of the problem too ladies ....

If you can see more than one way of doing things, then when you are asked to do something you can be left wondering which one is considered to be "right" way to do things according to the person you are dealing with .... or you go ahead with what you thought was the best or safest or most straight-forward option only to be told that it's wrong, and asked why you did it that way ....

My kids had trouble with this at school.

I have worked out that I often need to ask .... "Okay, I can see 3 different ways of doing this .... which way do you want it done ?"

And very often I find the other person or people could only see one way .... all of them ... the same one way .... 

Translation - I think outside the square .... at times that can be an asset,  other times it complicates things and is surplus to the requirement.   A little bit of tollerance and give on both sides can find the working ground in the middle.

[PeppiPatty]

Thanks for remembering my vision @Former-Member

I thought you forgot. 

For years and years my desire my real complete desire is to have first edition and signed novels. This might not mean much to many but for the first time in my life, I am giving me the gift of getting myself one. I am getting a signed copy of one of Joan Aikan's novels, she was a favourite childhood author ......I think I'm getting that but it might be something else.....

PP 

[Former-Member]

I can't even get through one day at work without my boss having to tell me I've done something wrong.
Why am I so shit at everything?
I've messed up so many things, at least once a day.
I'm trying so hard and yet all I do is fail. Again and again and again.

[Faith-and-Hope]

One thing wrong in a day @Former-Member .... but how many other things right ?  Nobody gets everything right all the time .... including your boss.

If she is correcting you a lot, it might just be her tailoring process .... please factor that in if you haven't already.  She might not be taking it as badly as you are.  Training cN come across as fault-finding sometimes, and sometimes it's the personality and the delivery ....

Hugs .... 💕

[Former-Member]

It's wrong enough that she has to take me aside and tell me that I've done the wrong thing. That's not normal.

I just don't understand what's wrong with me. Why do I make so many ducking mistakes? Why am I so stupid? 

It's such a simple, easy job.

Why am I so ducking bad at everything I do?

If this wasn't a short term casual contract, I'm sure she would have fired me by now. 

I just don't know what do to. I just want to give up and never get out of bed again. 

Sorry for my excessive whinging. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

It's good that your venting @Former-Member .... whinge as much as you like ❣

[Change123]

@Former-Member you poor thing I know exactly what you are going through, I'm currently having issues with total morans who owns this business I work for but I understand that you feel that its you that keeps stuffing up. I am very much like you that most of my self esteem comes from working as I have failed at everything else (I feel) I think what the others said is correct, you need to concentrate and focus on getting you better then the rest will follow.  Medications can also cause issues with memory and concentration.  When I was in the middle of being diagnosed with BPD I was diagnosed incorrectly at first and the meds they had me on affected my memory and focus.  I ended up quitting as I felt so ashamed and useless with all the stupid mistakes I was making.  I would forget how to do the most daily boring task and just from not being able to focus I would make so many mistakes incluidng misinterpreting emails and instructions.  I found the harder I tried the worse I got.  12 months after resigning from this job I found out I have BPD and things got a lot better once I was taken off those meds.  Having said that though when I start going downhill (like I can feel now) I cant focus and I start making stupid mistakes again.  Thats when I know I have to get rest and be nice to myself.

At the moment if you look at my RAGE thread it tells all the crap I have endured with these bosses, including be made to breach fair work act which is not on with payroll.  Right now I'm anxious for 2 reasons I have my performance review due any day between now and next Thursday.  The owner wife also does mine with my direct supervisor and she never believes in giving positive feedback.  She thinks if you give positive feedback that it makes you perform worse???  She knows nothing of the HR world so everytime I just get shot down in flames over how useless I am.  Currently I'm trying to work out a strategy to deal with that before it happens - I plan to not respond because I will go overboard and I dont want to give her the satisfaction of upsetting me and 2 if they want me to respond I will tell them that  Ineed to think of my response seriously.

I think you are being too hard on yourself and maybe just checking your meds or speaking with a doctor may help if you havent already. Even though I say all the above, dont worry I still do exactly what you do when not in a good way.  I think we have to accept that we have MI and we need to find strategies to get around things when we are not well.  Your not dumb and you are not shit at everything - I bet there is something you think is nothing special that you do that is really good.  Also it sounds like your boss is being supportive & sensative (ie.talking to you privately about error - which by the way is how it should be done) maybe speak to her of your fears of being fired and let her know that you are struggling (if you think you can with her) - take care! 

My worry room thing is, I have broken my boundary of only posting once a day but I will let myself off as I'm trying to calm down before I speak to my partner tonight on how he spoke to me yesterday.  I'm really anxious as I have not done this before and he is currently triggered and not ina good state (has bipolar but unmedicated).  Obviously if tonight is not going to work I will do in the next few days over the weekend.  Doing this is a big step for me and I'm terrified that he will just not listen and give me even more grief and then that will bring us back to square one after all my hard work.  I'm also scared of me that I might respond badly and make things even worse. I just keep saying in the back of my head "be an adult" and deal with it straight away (I'm 49).  Right now my stomache feels like its been invaded by aliens!  - fortunately I need to go to shops before hand so that will help calm me down.  Yes I know I'm ranting too but just trying to get it all out before I go home.

Thanks

[Former-Member]

I am so sick of waking up and wanting to not be here anymore. I am so sick of the last thing on my mind going to sleep is to not want to be here anymore. I am so very tired of my brain being in overdrive. I'm so tired fighting everything all the time. I so sick of being tired all the time. I'm so tired of all the anger and frustration. I'm so tired of the constant pull to SH. I just want to know internal peace for a day.
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