Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member Hugs

When you say you can't interpret words - is this due to an illness, lack of concentration? I hope you don't mind me asking as I am trying to get the whole picture.

If that is the case I can understand your frustration. But that is hardly your fault. I think the best thing to do here if you are correct with your employment being possibly terminated - communicate with others at work the problems you are having. 

"Not any single one of us have strengths in every area". And not any single one of us are shit at everything - we may just be barking up the wrong tree and seeking out work/study etc that is not suitable for us personally. We are all different.

And you just got out of hospital. Give yourself some time to heal and adjust, be kind to you.

But do consider communicating with perhaps your work manager or the suitable person at work the problems you are having with emails and maybe something can be worked out. 

I hope some of this has helped. 

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member, I think I'm just a bit dumb.
I don't know. I go fine in verbal IQ tests, but get me to interpret other people's notes and I have NFI.
Thank you for your support. I guess I can only do my best, but I just feel that is so crap right now. My boss did talk to me over some of the things I did wrong this morning, it was just hearing her walk out of her office and then hearing yelling in the hall way for 1/2 hour. I don't know what else I did wrong and she knew better than to bring it up with me or it might break me.
Problem is I'm already broken.
I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up and be a different person with a different life.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member My heart literally breaks reading your post. I will be honest - you don't sound dumb to me. And you are interpreting my posts and explaining yourself brilliantly.

When your boss talked over the things you did wrong - work on this and you will find improvement in your performance. Don't self doubt - you can do this. Give it your best. Why was your boss yelling in the hallway? (Is it possible it had nothing to do with you?).

Your verbal IQ is high, that's a strength. Do you think the stress of the job with just coming out of hospital is just too much too soon? And the stress of it all is making you feel confused (stress can do that, muddles the mind for me at times). Is there something you can do to unwind now and cast your worries aside for a bit of time out to give those stress levels a rest? ALthough others may worry I think it helps to talk to someone close to you. May ease the pain and give you some comfort. It does me.

I too wish I could wake up with a different life for different reasons. I like me because I am a good person but my life is not the way I wished or dreamed of. I know what it is like to feel defeated and broken, I so empathise - but we are stronger than we think. And yes, all we can do is our best and that has to just be enough. Is enough. As we can do no more. When we do our best and not give up we are making the most of our lot in life which is all anyone can do. It feels better than giving up as that leads to a darker place. We could be and feel worse.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, a new hope. Keep trying - put into practise what your boss advices and dont give up. Here for you and you are not alone xx

[PeppiPatty]

DEar @Former-Member

Here, down South in WEstern Australia, I am thinking of you. Please read and read @Former-Member message. It's everything I would right plus more.

PP

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

Your fears may be getting the better of you and exaggerating the problem more than other people see it .... feelings of insecurity do that for everyone.

The only way you are going to know for sure is if you have a heart to heart with your boss on a work basis .... your insecurity might be coming across as a don't-care attitude, but a conversation about it may set that right pretty quickly.

If you are struggling with emails, perhaps use the highlight function to go through and pick out the important things ..... then put them into dot-point form if that system works better for you.  I think most of us can relate to reading something over and over again trying to make sense of it, if there is too much information or lack of clarity .....

Feeling for you Hon.  Rather than sitting with these feelings, write down what you're feeling in ditch point firm, or as a letter to your boss, and trim it down to its basic points .... you can give her the letter, or just ask for a meeting, and then read it to her .... I think part of your frustration is feeling like a sitting duck ... asking for a meeting is pro-active.

See how you feel once your emotions have settled down a bit.

Want to call the Helpline and talk it through with someone ?

❤️💕 Hugs ....

[Appleblossom]

Fear can blow up an oops to a massive failure.  My ex lost I/2 million dollars one day .. bosses werent fine with it but it didnt cost him his job just promotions.

Did I get the idea that your immediate boss was watching your back a bit and fobbing off another person's anger? 

That would mean you have earned some respect.

A lot of people work in positions lower than their quals these days .. as quals are easier to get .. and then we are left with rounding out our personalities as our inner voices guide us in decisions.

I have to work hard to understand verbal messages sometimes .. other times I get ridiculed for being in "hop to it" mode.

Hope you find a niche that works for you .. yelling in corridors can be stressful.

Take care

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope and @Appleblossom and @PeppiPatty and @Former-Member.
@Faith-and-Hope, she writes in shorthand, so I only get a sentence or two to interpret. And I just don't get it.
I just can't handle making mistake after mistake after mistake. I've been fired before for doing so much less wrong. I couldn't handle getting fired again.
Oh god, and I almost ran a red light and almost caused a crash on the way home from work. Guess who's catching the bus for the next week or so until I calm down and feel better again!!!!
I guess my anger and hurt isn't directed at my boss, it's me. I just can't believe I've ducked up again. It's all I ever do.
I work in a totally separate body to the rest of the university, so I only really work with her and our two colleagues. I'd really like to enjoy the work, it's a fantastic opportunity, I just keep ducking up.
I just need to get a win in, that's what I really need.

[Faith-and-Hope]

You might be surprised @Former-Member .... she might want to just iron out the issues with you and keep you .... it's hard for employers to replace employees and start from square one again ....

Could you suggest a dictaphone maybe ?  Is that still viable for use in an office ?  I would have thought technology would have brought that forward because it's like leaving instructions as a phone message .... it might be quicker and more simple for her as well, and with a head-set you can transfer her voice message instructions into email responses from you to her and whoever else is part of the communication link.

What do you think ?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member. I'm not really sure how to support you best but I'll give it a go. I'm going to give you my opinion. It's only an opinion and I could be really wrong. What everyone says above is pretty much at the core of much of this for you I think. If I think about what has caused you the most stress over the last few months it seems to me to be the stress you feel at work. You have put so much pressure on you not to make mistakes. You are on heightened alert for it. It also seems really really important to you. So much of your self esteem gets tied to this. I suspect it's your other beautiful traits like loyalty and wanting to do your best drive it as well as all the not so good things like perfectionism and tying self worth to it.
But this is post is not just looking for reasons. I get it. I don't get written communication often. I can read ok but miss meaning in written communication often. 11 years ago I was at tafe with two class mates. There was a three sentence hand written ad on the notice board for rental accommodation. I read it and interpreted it that this person was looking for somewhere to live, my class mates told me that she was looking for people to move in with her, the complete opposite meaning. For me this was the beginning of me understanding that I interpret things differently. I am quite paranoid about it when thinking about entering the work force, it's only one aspect. I'm petrified because I'm so slow at stuff and get confused and wind myself into a stress ball. For me right now the thought of entering the workforce is life threatingly petrifying at times but at some stage in the next 18 months I have to do it or I'll lose my house and in the process make life difficult for my kids. The point of this is that I need to break it all down into the smallest parts that can be managed. When you are feeling calmer it might be worth working out what is it that really causes you the most stress at work or what causes the mistakes. Maybe you lose your job and maybe you don't but I'm wondering what you could do that would help you to continue work in the jobs that you want to do. @Faith-and-Hope is probably on to something. Can you work out what is the difficult part and articulate that to your boss in a way that implies you are seeking help and just want to improve. At the very least in the rest of your time you have in your contract you may be able to work on new skills that help you for your next job. Maybe by doing this you have a really good chance at getting a good reference. Like @Former-Member said too you have just started recovering from a big 'breakdown' in hospital. To expect you'd come out and be on top of it all is too much.
I want to to know you have time on your side. I know you see the clock ticking for many things in your life but I'm starting to accept that it's going to tick whether I do anything or not. My biggest regret is that I didn't own up to things and seek help to change decades ago. If I started then I may be in a better place now. But I'm sure that @Kurra who is about the same age difference to me than I am to you would tell me that I have time to make the changes I need to create a life in and out of the workforce. It's all doable @Former-Member but sometimes is overwhelming. I don't have many of the things and stresses you have but I guess we all have our own on here. We just have to keep plugging away at the things we can change. Some day I can't see passed any of it and find the light and at others days the light seems to shine brighter. This weekend gone I was giving up on it too which brings me to my next point. Have you found a psychologist or psychiatrist yet. I think that will help if you find the right support. Today mine helped me take so much pressure of myself and helped me to pick myself up off the floor again. It really helps having that support person who knows you well.
But tonight I open a bottle of sav Blanc pull up some chairs and glasses for anyone who wants to share with us and raise a glass to life being shitty and sucky. Let's have a few drinks to let the stress go and be angry and pissed at the world together. Tomorrow we'll try and shake ourselves off, drink lots of water and work on what we can change to make a difference. I'm expecting you'll throw this back in my face at some stage too by the way. You've got this @Former-Member. YOU get to write how it goes from here. I have total faith that it will get better than this for you. I believe in you even when you can't. You are smart and talented and kind and generous.
💜🤗💜🤗💜

[PeppiPatty]

As I read @Former-Member s post, and others... like @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom I think, we have a bowl of compassion here...It's been difficult sometimes to not swim over and away sometimes but people like these 3 keep on wanting me to stay......

I forget things like Friday Feast and Tuesday nights, I never did but now I do but I read them......

@Former-Member I don't drink alcohol, can I come and hand sew?? 

Can we talk about this part of your mesage you write: 

My biggest regret is that I didn't own up to things and seek help to change decades ago. If I started then I may be in a better place now. But I'm sure that @Kurra who is about the same age difference to me than I am to you would tell me that I have time to make the changes I need to create a life in and out of the workforce

I would love for us to accept what we cannot change now. The day that I woke up and realised that it's okay that I don't own my home snymore.....was very liberating. But I still have fall backs. 

PettiPAtty