Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away

[utopia]

@BlueBay. Now might be a good time tovfind a quiet area of your house and close your eyes and breathe. Try the wave ap and see if it helps to send you to your orivate usland again.
Picture yourself sitting in that rocking chair underneath the palm trees. Feel the gentle breeze on your skin. Breathe the clean salty air. Breathe and relax your tired body. Let it rest fir a while in the rocking chair.
Breathe and relax. No one can intrude on your island paradise. It is all yours. It is a beautiful safe place.
Can you hear the breeze gently caressing the palm fronds. It's a soft, gentle sound.
Can you hear the slow steady rhythm of the water as it laps the shore. It is also a gentle, peaceful sound.
Can you feel the sun gently kissing yiur skin. It's a gentle heat. Soothing. Feel your body relax further and further with each slow breath.
Stay on your island as long as you like. There is no rush, no urgency to leave, nothing that you need to do, but to sit back on that rocking chair and breathe and listen to the gentle waves.
I'm here with you tonight @BlueBay

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you for your wonderful post. It's seems in ways we are experiencing similar stressors that are taking there toll on our mental and physical health. And yes, she does go out and drink too much (I also think she is taking recreational drugs from time to time which just tears me apart as this causes her such moods swings and mental health issues). She is self medicating but it is only making her worse. She is self destructive and is not listening to me once again. It is soul destroying to watch. I don't know what else to do to get through.

The abuse is definitely the root of her low self esteem. But what frustrates me is that she is not trying to help herself now. She keeps going back to people who hurt her and becomes more damaged. 

I like your advice about trying everything else first and have noted all you said.  Like you I am finding it emotionally too hard to put her out, even though I probably should. This is breaking my heart. Thank you my friend. You all mean so much to me xxx

[Faith-and-Hope]

I agree with @Former-Member ..... @Former-Member

I have a friend who says her mother did everything for them growing up, but by the time they were in their teens, she simply stopped picking up after them.  She would still run the systems of the household, but left them to struggle with losing items that they didn't take responsinpbility for, and the inconvenience  of being constantly disorganised.  This friend is very tidy now.

I think it is a personal journey, and if the kids are oppositional to your wishes in this regard, as it sounds like @Former-Member's are too .... then as for my household I would encourage you to work out containment systems (I have tidy-baskets everywhere !!!) and just keep the main rooms of the house tidy ie lounge, kitchen, and the bathroom that you and visitors use.  

Also make sure there are places to put everything away .... and I use masking tape and a felt-tip pen to leave instructions about the place too (like - dirty dishes here please ...)

Remain consistent in politely asking for the systems to be respected, even if there is no shirt term result.  You will be creating a recording of your voice in their brain anyway ....

@Former-Member .... if you can, just step back from your daughter and deal with her as politely as you can .... showing greater attention and warmth when she is being anywhere near compliant, and remaining as neutral as possible when she is being obtuse .... this is the basis of behaviour modification techniques .... the presumption that she will gravitate towards the warmth naturally across time. 

It wont fix everything, but in this moment you are needing to at least make things more workable.

❤️

[BlueBay]

@utopia
I can't. I just can't. I'm sorry.

[utopia]

That's okay @BlueBay. Somedays it's too hard. Sometimes you need to use your old coping techniques.
Knitting, coloring in, etc. They can help calm you and help you to focus on something else.
What else is in your Comfort Box @BlueBay?
You might have packed it away for the hoyse inspection. But it sounds like it's time to open it up.what tools do you have in there?
Puzzles, crossword, knitting, a favorite cd. What about a soft blanket or piece of cloth to hold onto. Or stroking/patting Jersey.
What's in your comfort box

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member - it did help to read about your adult children's habits - interesting how they all differed! My daughter sounds similar to your eldest son. The problem with my daughter is with her job in the entertainment industry she has to have a very tidy appearance or she would lose her job. So the only Laundry I will do for her now is her uniform - and I iron it. I should stop that as well but I feel threatened by her imminent unemployment if I do. To her credit she works when she's there - I hope she keeps that effort up.

@Faith-and-Hope - I also like your felt tip pen idea - I am going to try it. My daughter leaves clean clothes on the floor too - she simply won't put anything away or hang up her clothes. She is that lazy. I left it for over a year hoping this would motivate her (her clothes and things getting wrecked and goes missing). It didn't - she would yell at me to find them! I refused.

I will remain politely consistent. I gave up for a few days due to feeling drained but it felt wrong and my daughter does not learn a thing that way. It was interesting how you mentioned to stay neutral when she is being obtuse. I did this today (I felt fed up). And my daughter saids "what's wrong with you?". She is so use to me being warm and loving and just accepting her behaviour. Now not so and she didn't like it but did pick up a bit of her rubbish (not much but it was a start). So I felt that works to a degree. Thank you for the feedback as it really helped. Will be putting out Felt pen signs tomorrow.

I never had a good role model myself when young. My mother was abusive. I think I overcompensated for this with my daughter by being "too loving" and good to her if that makes sense. I wanted to be the opposite to my own mother not realising I was spoiling her. So I appreciate all the feedback. I wasn't spoiled. Everything I have shared on here I learnt through life experience to survive and thrive. Now to battle and overcome this obstacle....thank you everyone. ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sounds like my house @Former-Member @Former-Member .... 🤗💜💕

[Former-Member]

I'm glad it helped @Former-Member. It sounds like you are on the way to taking some control back and helping her to change her behaviours. I know you will have success with it.💜🤗

Its just a zoo @Faith-and-Hope 🦁🐸🐨🐯🙉

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh no @light321 .... baristas come in al shapes, sizes and ages .... premesis catering to a wide range of clientele are looking for different things in their baristas and don't always want someone young.

Learning new skills is good for us all. 

I'm sorry to hear about your arm.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yep @Former-Member .... I live in a zoo .... have just accepted that I have put in all the base work, and this is the stuff that sits on the top for them to sort out in their own time,  My house will be tidy when they leave home .... in the meantime I've got ratty, bratty, funny, kind, lazy sometimes, hardworking other times, creative, attitudinal, fun kids.

❤️