I agree with @Former-Member ..... @Former-Member
I have a friend who says her mother did everything for them growing up, but by the time they were in their teens, she simply stopped picking up after them. She would still run the systems of the household, but left them to struggle with losing items that they didn't take responsinpbility for, and the inconvenience of being constantly disorganised. This friend is very tidy now.
I think it is a personal journey, and if the kids are oppositional to your wishes in this regard, as it sounds like @Former-Member's are too .... then as for my household I would encourage you to work out containment systems (I have tidy-baskets everywhere !!!) and just keep the main rooms of the house tidy ie lounge, kitchen, and the bathroom that you and visitors use.
Also make sure there are places to put everything away .... and I use masking tape and a felt-tip pen to leave instructions about the place too (like - dirty dishes here please ...)
Remain consistent in politely asking for the systems to be respected, even if there is no shirt term result. You will be creating a recording of your voice in their brain anyway ....
@Former-Member .... if you can, just step back from your daughter and deal with her as politely as you can .... showing greater attention and warmth when she is being anywhere near compliant, and remaining as neutral as possible when she is being obtuse .... this is the basis of behaviour modification techniques .... the presumption that she will gravitate towards the warmth naturally across time.
It wont fix everything, but in this moment you are needing to at least make things more workable.
❤️
