Hi @FrankyW84,
I am not Bipolar, but I understand how hard it is to come to terms with an incurable medical condition. Especially something as stigmatised as BP. And especially if it starts taking things, people, experiences and just plain life, away from you. I also understand how awful it feels to have some of your autonomy taken away from you and treatments administered that you'd rather not dabble in given the choice.
For 13 years you have been coasting along in the land of socially acceptable mental illness. That's what websites like Beyond Blue are for. It is no walk in the park having to come to terms with having something more misunderstood, and dealing with people's ignorance.
All I can say is that human variation is an absolutely incredible thing. You may not be doomed, even if you feel like you are. I know that the label is daunting and scary. But at the end of the day, like a lot of us, you are probably going be on the spectrum a little bit, in the sense that your symptoms will be different to another mate that may have the same diagnosis, and even more frustratingly for some people, your response to the meds may be the total opposite.
Despite not being Bipolar I have had incessant and chronic insomnia that wound me up in hospital. Docs start running outta options pretty quick and only have a certain number of options in their medicine bags.
It sounds like with the meds you are still adjusting. And unfortunately it can take weeks for these things to kick in and settle. I let the Docs do chemistry experiments on me for roughly about 8 years. I'm never want to be a know-it-all, and I was happy to give things a go, I respected the fact that they had studied for 15 years to be a qualified specialist, but it had to be as long as I got results. The lovely ladies and gents in the Department of Neurology also asked me would I like to take the little pill known as the Limousine everyday of my life for a smooooothe ride. I declined on the Limousine. But for you, I think those leather seats and black tinted windows probably need some more time to figure out if they are doing you some good. It's very frustrating how slow the process is. At the end of the day it's only you who knows, and you have to weigh up the side effects with the benefits, and communicate this to your doctors. From memory I think around the same time I was given what half the world is on, but I refer to as Sarahs-Hell. Everyone reassured me there was nothing to be scared of, half the world was on it, and I promise you, promise you, promise you, this will knock you out and you will sleep like a baby. Within about 40-80 minutes Sarahs-Hell just about had me up at The Gap in Sydney and I was on the phone to my family in the middle of the night. Despite everything that I have been through, until my breakdown in 2016, would you believe that I have never experienced those thoughts. It gave me the scariest, weirdest thoughts, and the speed with which they came on was terrifying.
It can be a really rocky journey. And one that you should never be left alone to do by yourself. Make sure that you check in with your psychiatrist regularly. Out in the community people push the meds they are on, onto you. They tell you because it worked for them, it will work for you. But at the end of the day there is tremendous variation. I seem to have one of those tummies that sets off reactions like you're pouring a glass of vinegar over a little pile of Bicarb Soda, and the mad brain reactions to go with it. I know the Docs cost a bomb, but you have to be careful and monitored.
I think that you are being really smart getting a psychologist. It's great to have someone to talk to about the embarrassing and shameful stuff that can come with having a MI.
You said: I find myself struggling, questioning every thought and every emotion I have and not sure where the illness starts and where I begin.
A lot of us struggle with this @FrankyW84. Is my irritability and short fuse my MI or am I a horrible person? Is my sex life impacted or is this just me? Am I allowed to be vivacious and funny and loud and happy, or will everyone assume I am in a manic stage? You will come up against a lot of judgment and reductionist kinda people. But that's just ignorance.
But I understand your sense of loss too. I get plagued with thoughts, who is my authentic self? Is there any part of me that is authentic anymore. This is why I think it's great you're choosing to see a therapist. To talk all of this out.
Sounds like you have a great support team which is great Franky, you don't want to be navigating this alone. And if people are wanting to help you that means it doesn't freak them out. Which is really positive.
Hope the Limo ride goes well for ya. You're doing amazing having a corporate job and being able to experience the satisfaction of being financially independent and self reliant.
Good Luck,
Corny
