Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SoSad]

It can be a really confusing time. Mines been 2 months today and we had a heap of contact to begin with but it’s dropped off a lot now and he doesn’t interact with me that much. It hurts. I am giving him space and gone no contact. I need space too. Every time I have any kind of contact with him, I get upset. 

I was reading my messages when this all started with my ex. Before he asked if he could step back (still don’t know what this means...it’s vague). I wasn’t handling it well and wasn’t in a good headspace myself. I think that had something to do with his decision too. But when they are pulling away and can’t talk to you, it’s normal to panic. 

I love him. I haven’t stopped. I get told that I missed a bullet. I would have taken one for him. But I need to be well. That’s my biggest tip. Make sure you keep yourself emotionally well. 

I have gone on holidays overseas. It will give me the space from him. I just constantly think of him. I will contact him when I get back. I think we have a lot to talk about and I want to sort it out. 

I don’t really believe everything they say when they go through this. They do and say things to push you away and confuse you. My mans responses are vague. One text message he will say that he will come up on the weekend. The phone call and text message that night, when I ask about our future, he makes excuses about why he likes being single (because of his ex’s treatment towards him, nothing to do with me) and a text saying that he is sorry that he has hurt me he is scared where his headspace goes and it makes a difference to have a friend like me. But then he’ll come over 2 days later, apologising for not staying and embraces me with a bear hug for ages and then does it again when leaving and gives me a kiss.

So yeah, just keep living your life as best you can. I don’t know how long it takes for them to get better. I’d suggest going to a psych yourself. 

Maybe time and space will make a difference.

btw, 2 months later and I still don’t know if him asking me for a step back meant a break or a break up hahahhaha. So I treat it as a break up. 

[Confuse]

Thank you for your reply.

i think everything you’ve said is correct.

Its confusing because they are confused too.

but yes i need to now concentrate on me emotionally, become a better me.

Part of me is angry, i feel like I’ve committed to this relationship 100% and he just suddenely ends it- no fighting or negotiations or trying. I’m angry because he never fought for me.

anyway. Will see what happens from now on. If he loves me he will come back in his own time. Xx

[SoSad]

They don’t really see that they are worthy of our love and only believe what their brain is telling them. Maybe they think that we deserve someone that isn’t like this. Or they do it to protect us. I get disappointed that mine doesn’t seem to fight for me. I guess it just adds something else on their plate that they can’t handle. I feel like I begged to mine for a couple of weeks. I don’t know how else to get across to him that I still want to be with him. I told him that our relationship was so easy and I wouldn’t pressure him and I believe in loving someone during the good and hard times. He said that he knew that. He just felt like he needed space. So that’s the only thing I can do for now.

I get angry as well because I thought he was “the one”. It’s hard when we put 100% in but they are 100% out at the moment. It’s an awful disease.

I would also suggest to only talk to people that understand mental illnesses. I’ve had people tell me that he should be better by now. nobody knows how long it takes to get better. I got upset when it was suggested that perhaps he met someone else. Don’t know when and there were no indication of that.

[oj94]

I'm so happy I found this. I am in the same position and its nice to know others are too. Basically I met him 2 years ago. We clicked immediately, and he moved in with me shortly. It was in college at the time and he moved across the state. Things were amazing. Then the depression hit. He said he needed to move back to our hometown (we had actually gone to high school together years ago and never really knew one another) because his insurance did not cover any doctors here to see a therapist. He left, and we stayed together. A few weeks later he visited me, and we got in a pretty bad fight. He ended things 3 days later. I was set to move home for summer break from school to our hometown shortly after that. When I got home we hung out a bit and then his depression got worse. He would see me, then go silent for days, and see me, and on and on. As summer wound down and I was set to go back to school, things looked up. He came to visit me a few times when I was back at school. We got back together and he moved back down and stayed until I graduated and we both moved back to our hometown. This was this past January. Things were fine when we were back home, until about March when the depression came back and he ended things again, saying he needed to be alone to figure himself out. We did not speak for 2 weeks until we met up to return some things of each other's that we still had. We decided to stay friends because we truly were each other's best friends. That was great, but slowly it just turned back into the way it used to be. Hanging out all the time, staying over, having dinner with parents, going on dates. But we never made it official because we were just enjoying that we were having a good time together. Although we did have conversations about possibly actually getting back together in the future. We even went away in July for my 24th birthday and it was wonderful. Then, 2 weeks ago, he suddenly became distant. We went to dinner and when he picked me up I could immediately tell he had taken too much of his anti anxiety medication as he was slurring his words and swaying while standing. After that night he barely replied at all. I finally asked "why won't you acknowledge me?". He told me he was avoiding me because he felt that he would bring me down too if he was around me too much. And that he needed space to work on himself, and that even though we never said it, we were in a relationship and we were joking to pretend we weren't since we did everything we used to. He said if he keeps me around he will focus all his time on me as a way to avoid needing to work on himself. I get it. I told him I would give him space, and asked him what his boundaries were. If he wanted no contact at all, less, or what. He wouldn't answer me. He would never reply when I would ask that. For about a week now its been me sending texts that just go unreplied to, or get answered a day later with a hollow answer. Then, this past Friday, I was stranded at work with no way home, and reached out to him as a last resort and he was nice enough to come and get me home. When we got to my house, I told him I would run upstairs cuz I had some of his clothes. He followed me upstairs and just sat on my bed like were hanging out. We were joking, laughing, like nothing had ever happened. I casually asked him if he rememebered the joke he told me the night we went to dinner a few weeks ago. He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language and said "...we went to dinner? I have no memory of going to dinner." I explained and he kepy saying "you're screwing with me right?" I had to show him my bank statement with a charge from the restaurant to prove it. Realizing he had ended things the next day I asked if he remembered that conversation. He said he hasn't remembered about a week of time, and only bits and pieces of that conversation, and that he would reread the texts. We ended up sleeping together before he left. I texted him today asking what he thought, and that I hoped I wasn't being used for sex. He told me it was not like that, but he was right in his texts that he needs space to figure himself out. I told him I respected that but thought it was absurd to deny the fact that we have a connection whenever we are around each other, and that he did not need to remove me completely. I told him I had no problem telling him no to things I thought might lead us down the path of just going back to being in a relationship again. He never replied. I texted him once more saying that after all we have been through the least I deserve is a simple conversation about what he wants from me. Still nothing. 

I am so lost. He means the world to me. We had talked about getting engaged and finding a place together in our home town. It just feels like my heart has been ripped out. Because I know that we have a connection we can't pretend is not there. That even when both of us are struggling we always gravitate back to one another. I want to cut contact completely, but I find it so terrifying that in doing so I will never speak to him again. Even though the past has shown that is not the case. I'm just so lost. 

[SoSad]

It is scary to go no contact. That’s one of the risks. But perhaps you need to go no contact so you can sort out yourself. This will also give you a chance to clear your head and decide if this is truly something you want. It is hard to go no contact. You can always reach out after a couple of weeks just to touch base and let him know you are still there for him. Just remember what your boundaries are too.

[SoSad]

Unfortunately I think my ex was cheating on me. On the day he broke up with me because of his mental illness, I saw a few things that I haven’t told anybody about. I kept it to myself and it ate me up. I finally had the courage to ask him. I only told him about half of the things I saw. I got some lame excuse that was replied to, to quickly. So that’s me done.

[Confuse]

Hello again,

It’s strange reading your story as mine is very similar! We also went away for my birthday in July! I am going to drop some food and bits and pieces off at his house tomorrow with a small notice saying to stay strong. Will make surw I don’t see him though.

sosad, I am sorry to hear that. That also has passed my mind, maybe something happened with someone and that’s why it ended so suddenely for me? But the thought of that makes me feel sick so I don’t think of that

In your case, if that did happen then he is not worthy of your love or kindness. Try and focus on yourself, make yourself a better you.

[SoSad]

That’s a lovely gesture.

i think waiting until now to confront him was the right thing for me. I am a lot stronger as I dealt with the possibility when I saw what was on his phone. If I have jumped to the wrong conclusion, he hasn’t done anything since to show me otherwise. No phone call, message, nothing. I will write the story a bit later 🙂

[SoSad]

After a turbulent 2 months of hot and cold behaviour, yesterday was the final straw for me. His erratic behaviour is just confusing and I can’t trust him anymore.

on the day that we broke up, we went out for lunch. When we were driving, he sent a message to someone with a kiss and love heart. He saw that I saw and he said that it was to *male friends name* and they had been joking around the previous night telling each other that they loved each other. His brother noticed him smiling and asked who he was texting. I thought it was a bit odd why he would do this with another male friend and just figured that each friendship is different.

We got home and we were sitting on the couch. He broke up with me. I was sitting next to him when he leaned forward and opened his phone up. On it were 2 pics at the bottom of the screen with “his initials ❤️ Someone else’s initials” and “I love you”. These were created in a drawing app. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t for 2 months. Didn’t say a word to anybody. It ate me up. I noticed 3 days later that they were added to social media. So I figured out who the initials were for. I didn’t see much activity between them on social media though. Just 1 like and 1 tag in a meme.

fast forward and I finally asked him about what I saw in the car. He told me that it was nothing, honestly. Just his godfathers daughter going through a tough time.

Yep, so his story the first time didn’t match up to his story yesterday. I actually believe the story yesterday. Only the second bit. Whether it was nothing, I am not sure. I didn’t tell him what else I saw. I spoke to a couple of friends who said that I should. I keep protecting him and not wanting to upset him, for some reason. So I decided to write it all in a letter.

What annoys me is that he was a mess himself and jumped on her emotional rollercoaster to apparently help her. It was a time when he should have been communicating and leaning on me. A time that was crucial in our relationship to work out things but instead he pushed me away and ran. Now I think I know why.

[Confuse]

Hello Sosad,

I am sorry to hear this.

When we are in the relationship or situation ourselves we can’t see exactly what’s going on because we either don’t want to believe it or are so wrapped up in the relationship that we just can’t see it.

But the fact that he lied to you about the message, indicates that something is not right. What does your deep down gut instinct tell you? Seperate your heart and brain. 

In any relationship, being made to feel like there is something else going on, isn’t good. I feel like he needs to tell you what the exact truth is for you to believe it. As you love him right now you don’t want to believe what you have seen. He needs to tell you the truth for it to become real to you.

in any case my opinion is that he is acting very cowardly, you have asked him about it twice now and he has come up with silly excuses. You really deserve someone who will show you respect and tell you the truth. This is a very emotional rollercoaster for you, and he seems to not be considering your emotions through this- as he has changed his story and doesn’t seem prepared to tell you the truth or respect you.

Let me know how you get on.

Talking on this website is really helping me as I can share my feelings with people going through similar situations.