@Former-Member ....
I would continue washing and ironing your daughter's uniform for her. Her work is a constant in her life and a sense of achievement. You want to build greater stability, not reduce it. Just pretend for the moment she has asked you nicely to do it for her, and when you present it to her, just drop in a gentle "you're welcome" as tho she had thanked you for doing it. She might surprise you one day soon, and actually say thank you .....
Just set boundaries for yourself within your life with her ... ie, I want a clean kitchen so I will persist in keeping it that way, and just keep asking her to respect that (without losing my temper and getting shorty about it). Ditto with the lounge and bathroom. Give yourself time out from her when she's being difficult, because she is too old to and her to her room .... you go to yours. She will start to recognise that you are choosing to remove yourself from her more obnoxious behaviour, and kids at this age tend to get caught up in the moment and let their behaviour, and mouth, run off with them. It's pointless arguing over trivia. And later they are too embarrassed or attitudinal to apologise, but they grow into it.
This is how you train young children. That doesn't mean my kids were compliant (remember that oppositional streak ?) so I began to make deals with them from early on ... and called them deals ....
"Okay, if you do this for me, I'll do that for you .... do we have a deal ?"
Dont forget to drop "I love you"'s in somewhere, even if it's on masking tape with marker pen on her bathroom mirror ... and even if it's just a drawing of a heart. She might be feeling deep down that she is not worthy of love anymore.
❤️
