Lived Experience Forum

[Queenlithi]

Hi,

24F with diagnosis of BP1, cptsd, bpd. 

to give a preface my mum recently died in Jan and I’ve really been going through it. Late last year I decided to slowly get off my meds and I was doing fine until a few months ago. Now I’m really unwell. I don’t leave the house, the acute care team that I see say I’m paranoid and only put me on a small dose of AP which isn’t helping and I’m losing my mind. I am seeing numbers everywhere, having out of control panic attacks that make me feel like I’m dying (even with medication on board), I don’t talk to anyone, I have slept an average of 4 hours a night for the past three months and I can’t think or speak normal. I was just listening to a podcast and it was originally in English and then it sounded like they started speaking in another foreign language and I could hear weird radio scuffs. I am freaking out and all the anxiety tricks I’ve been trying haven’t helped. Idk what to do anymore 

[Dimity]

Hello @Queenlithi and welcome. 

First, I'm sorry for your loss. So much grief and anxiety there.

Much of what you say resonates with me.

I'm glad you have an acute care team. For me getting sleep back on track would be a priority. Is there a psychiatrist on your team who can review the AP to help with that? Once you're rested the paranoia and panic should ease. Sometimes a hospital admission can help you recalibrate.

You might like to drop into the thread Let`s talk about Bipolar . 

I hope you feel welcome here - perhaps others will respond shortly.  You can reply to particular people by tagging them by starting with @.

Take care. 

Dimity.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Queenlithi 

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your loss, and sorry your body is putting you through it. 

Hope you find the dawn that comes after the darkness soon.

We're hear for a chat if you need 😌

[Queenlithi]

Thank you for your reply.

It’s been incredibly tough as I have no friends or family support and it’s my first time going through grief, let alone losing a parent.

Life doesn’t feel real most days. I don’t feel depressed per say but more like weirdly emotionally separated from the event and my brain is using this whole scenario as something that’s like “oh she’s gone on an extended vacation and will be back soon”. Can’t really describe it. But this coming week and next month is going to be horrendous for me in terms of reminder days. I have no idea what to do with myself cause my therapist isn’t really helpful. She suggests meditation (which can help, I don’t knock that), but it’s definitely not a strong enough coping mechanism for me.

[Queenlithi]

Thanks Dimity.

I appreciate your quick response. It’s been a really rough few months. I saw my pdoc again yesterday and she put me on a different medication regime which actually made me sleep the entire night! Which is the first time I’ve slept an entire night…in probably a year. It’s helped me with that really horrific dread/paranoia feeling so far but it’s only been a day so we shall see…but I’m holding out hope. I really hate being on meds; I struggle with it but I really do NOT want to keep going through what I’ve been going through the past few months-especially in the last couple of weeks. It’s been horrific.

Thanks for being a caring angel ❤️

[Dimity]

Hello @Queenlithi fingers crossed you've turned the corner sleepwise.

I think many of us are ambivalent about meds but are grateful when they make a difference.  Over time it may be possible to titrate and balance. 

I'll tag in @Shaz51 who has good threads re the dimensions of wellness and having a coping toolkit.  They're very helpful. 

Hope you have a good day!

[Shaz51]

hello @Queenlithi  and welcome 

hello  @Dimity , @Queenlithi , @8ppleTree 😊

here are some threads to click on to and have a look at 

8 Dimensions of Wellness 

Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope ) 

[Dimity]

Hi @Shaz51 ! Lovely to see you. Thanks for the links

[Shaz51]

Hello @Queenlithi 

How are you going today xx 

[Queenlithi]

Hi Shaz51,

Thanks for checking in on me. The meds helped me sleep a bit last night but still really battling a lot. I have a really few traumatic weeks coming up and the really horrible intrusive thoughts and voices are coming down on me hard. Currently trying to drown it out with music. My partner says I seem better… that I’m able to talk a bit more and make a bit more sense so something must be working. Just feeling all over the place as I have way too much life stuff on my plate that I can’t deal with but I also can’t ignore. Just struggle street right now. I have moments of clarity and then moments of this deep dark energy that like I can only alike to being sucked into a black hole and I can’t tell what’s real or what’s not…feels like a bad trip I can’t get out of. My psychs suggested mania but this doesn’t feel like my happy happy go go mania this is disturbing and dark and scary I feel like I’m struggling to hold onto what’s real. Showers seem to help me come back a little bit.