Good morning @Emelia8 how are you doing today? Did you get through those brownies?
Look to be honest with what happened on tuesday… it wasn’t so much a moment of clarity.. what I had on hand wasn’t getting the job done and it just dragged on so long that I ran out of time really. My son would’ve come back home and ex would’ve found me but she’d have probably found me with enough time to get help and I didn’t want that. It just wasn’t the right time for it. And not the right tool. But regardless, yes it did stop me. But yeah, wasn’t so much that I wanted to stop more that I realised I’d run out of time and I didn’t want to have anyone get help and send me to the Hospital. So there it is. Yesterday though it started to sink in what a bad move it was. I wouldn’t want either my son or my ex to find me like that. That would be terrible to put them through. And yes I am very glad now that it didn’t go down that way for their sake.
I am feeling the SI easing up today and hope it continues to do so. I am a bit apprehensive that tomorrow will go badly and it’ll push me to the edge again. But my mind is less crazed today. I hope that’ll last and see me through whatever happens tomorrow. It’s a bad time for me on fridays as it is, being at home alone, I always struggle to keep a level head when my boy isn’t here. I don’t feel quite strong enough to proactively take measures now to prevent any suicidal intent turning into action tomorrow. But in the end if it’s what I end up wanting to do there’s an endless list of ways to go about it. So it feels pointless doing any of that anyway.
I do feel I need to have some sort of strategy in place so I can make it through tomorrow and not go over the edge again. Because as much as I’m struggling and feeling hopeless, my rational mind is still ticking away telling me it’s not the answer and I can’t do this to my son no matter how bad this all gets.
Anyway, sorry for the prattling post. I’m in a prattling mood it seems.
thanks for checking in @Emelia8 I hope today is kind to you
