I'm sorry

[Decadian]

Hi @Appleblossom

I am interested in your comment abut dissociation spectrum - I guess I could look that up and I will see if I can find something about it - but I would hate to lose sight of myself when it seems I have bad spells and would rather sit alone for the duration and get out of myself when I feel as if I have thought it through

I have feel feeling rotten about my "mother-issues" since yesterday - yes - I was triggered - and I tend to get overwhelmed and can't think past it for the duration -

So I am wondering - if we have the subject of dissociation spectrum - is personalisation at the other end of that spectrum?

I am not really worried about myself here - but helping others is a way of helping ourselves - but I can't get there until I sort my own head out - and so it's 24 hours since I did more than check the TV programmes

Thanks Apple - I guess I am gaining an eduation here - which is a good thing

Dec

[Appleblossom]

Just a conversation @Decadian through the lens of my whacky mind and life and what others may bring to it ..

Possibly.. .maybe not ??

.personalisation is taking identification with another person too far and not being able to separate or distance from the person or the issues.  When I was 20 I truly would not have had the ability to do that as a psych nurse .. too many triggers..I.stayed in the public service.  In the interview they were nice, acknowledged I was very mature etc .. but given family history .. no job.

. At least I have now lived in many different worlds . .. personal company and profession .. I can back away if I get overwhelmed.  When I was visiting the homeless people in Sydney, I was drawn to visit again the next day .. to check a young pregnant girl was alright .. but realised I had to let it go as they had their life paths and I was relating to them more through my childhood memories.  I then had a strong sense that I was no longer in that space and it was time to go.

Personalisation is partly interpersonal.. a psychic activity generated from without.. it can also be related to maturity .. 

Empathy is often seen as a desireable trait to have . but it also can causes problems for the "feeler" if they cannot separate their own situation from the one with whom they share compassion.  It happens a lot on this forum and in the helping professions generally .. some are more prone...

One Identity .. may be that "I am a nice person and care about others" .. but then we come up against limits when we realise we cant be that to all people all the time. 

Dissociation is intrapsychic and about distancing from one's environment including people and feelings.  It can be intense too and has  more cerebral content and is complicated.Reading another's internal state would be difficult when dissociated.

 I had no idea of the extremity of the issues I was living with.  My sister's death was a serious shock to me and the preceding 2 years shook upmy sense that my family was normal.  Yet still I realise that others cannot relate and are scared off by relaxed prattle about my life.

 I spent  my childhood with head buried in  books..probably a bit dissociated .. no-one diagnosed it .. I

thought I was lucky as my parents were not veryrviolent and aggressive with me.  I saw plenty of that around .. in the slums .

Dissociation was adaptive in that I was not obviously distressed but encouraged me to distance myself from feelings that other regarded as normal so I engaged in risky activities without realisation of the risk.

Dissociation can be adaptive if say we can step outside of our own beings momentarily .. to help someone .. but when it is habitual  ... blurs our understanding of reality .egI did not realise that my mother would never recover. I thought if we had family holidays she would be calm grateful pleased with me etc ... 

[Former-Member]

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@BlueBay wrote:
Hi &mohill
Was that post to me? If yes thank you so much for your kind words. I don't feel special or anything. I just try to be my best.
I do struggle with my emotions but am hoping things will change for the better.

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hello BlueBay

yes i wrote those words for you. i get a bit confused replying to posts then finding that they dont follow on. a moderator gave me the hint about click on quote in the right hand corner which i forget. So that is what i did and your message appears above my response here.

You are special in your own unique way; you are on here supporting others and that in my book tells me yes BlueBay has compassion and empathy.

you are just in a murky emotional place at the moment. we have you in our thoughts so imagine our arms reaching out and holding you, stopping you from falling.

read back over some of the beautiful, supportive words that you have said to other. xxx big hugxxx

[Decadian]

Thanks @Appleblossom - I have read that through several times - and it was very helpful

So I guess that moving from dissociation to personalization along a continuum was a natural academic step -  I am learning so much here - and I don't want to find myself in over my head at any time because I do care  - but I guess my age helps me here because I sense when I need to cut-off from the site and do so

I didn't know my childhood family was dysfunctional until my mother died - just over two years ago - when repressed memories surfaced at her funeral - that was traumatic - but really - how does one cope with that?

The other side was living for 5 years - 10 to 15 - at a police station and knowing what I knew - my bro and I would be taken aside by Dad and told something and also told not to say anything about it - and having violence taking place right outside our lounge room - really fun - I guess my bro saw it as fun but as an adult I often wonder what on earth my father was thinking to take his young family there

You have mentioned some interesting things in your post - because again - how do we know where we stand? What might seem like normal to us when we are children may not be normal at all - and then - what is normal?

Thanks for the info though - I will copy that and keep it in my files - so I don't lose it if I want to refer to it again

Dec

[Appleblossom]

A lady in my writers group has written about being the daughter of a policeman and how that effected her .. certainly not a normal life .. and then there is the lady whose dad was in charge of the abbattoirs ..

[Decadian]

That's an important point @Appleblossom

Have you seen that movie K-PAX? - killing animals for a living would need a certain kind of personality to be okay about it - and I don't thing it's wrong - I eat meat myself and don't have a problem - but since the days of the hunter/gatherers society has required this as more than just killing a rabbit to eat for dinner to survive - it is actually something we don't - or rather - I don't think about

Someone has to do that kind of work - and I could go on - enough to say it would be hard to be an Undertakers Daughter also - ooooohhhhhh

Dec

[pip]

@Appleblossom. By getting outside yourself, I meant getting to know the real person you know you can be. Like you I spent most of my 25 year marriage apologizing for everything I said or did. My ex FIL would tell me frequently, whenever I asked questions, that if he told me the answers, I would know as much as him. This is constant put-downs and wrong. Asking questions means you want to be educated, how is this wrong, unless the person you're asking treats you similar to a mushroom. My ex (their son) used to laugh and tell me not to take things personally. Stepping outside that confine has meant I've had to learn not to be scared to question. Staying in that 'cocoon' was unhealthy and wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've re-met me and quite like who I am. That's what I meant about stepping outside, not losing my identification, just finding it after being held-back or repressed.

[Former-Member]

Hello @pip @Appleblossom

"the rather unusual way of letting me know I'm needed and loved." laughed when I read this.

empathy. If you only knew how many times I have been told by others, put myself first.

I put my hand up to over- empathising too. Taking on others pain at my own detriment. I cant save the world. The strong passion, force inside has to be redirected, dispersed into other avenues, new paths to explore.

My creative side keeps on knocking on my door.

I have experienced both dissociation and depersonalisation and worked through both.

I believe that I am a free spirit, who cannot be labelled, boxed, who appears differently to every person who has met me.

I am emerging once again from a dark place, crossing over and through the fog into a place, a world that makes no sense to me.

I am here for my loved ones and friends. I can use my pain to help others suffering, lost, not feeling held. I can reach out and help some of them. 

thanks to so many of you on here who have allowed my ramblings - the tears start to flow - that is past memories - they can flow they will eventually stop - I am here in the moment.

[Shaz51]

Hello @pip, @BlueBay, @Former-Member, @Decadian, @Appleblossom xx

[BlueBay]

Hi @Shaz51
Hugs to you my friend. Xxoo