Hi @BlueBay
I spent a few years being tormented by feelings of anger and wanting revenge against my mother. It was dreadful and totally turned my idea about myself as decent person trying to do the right thing upside down.
I had not been very angry as a teen, but spent a lot of time dealing with my siblings anger. Then I started therapies which advocated meditation and non-harmful expression of anger.
I didnt really get in touch with the fullness of my anger to my mother until I was in my mid 40s. MOstly I tried to understand my siblings anger at her and guide them into less harmful .. anger out or in behaviours. Their anger overwhelmed them and it was not good. Then 10 years later I was going through similar things as they had before they died.
I wont mention the various ideas of revenge that occurred to me, unbidden as if from nowhere. She had betrayed and hurt me in many very deep ways, but I did not want to act out like my younger sibs had as it only destroyed them, and made her stronger.
My mother died over a year ago. I can live with my decisions with self respect. Mind you I was paralysed a lot trying to squash down the vengeful impulses inside me and not have them disturb me, my son or my piano students etc.
I had agreed to positive meetings with her throughout my adulthood, invited to her family holidays, occasional concerts and visited her in her nursing home in the last 9 months of her cancer. She never really apologised, admitted, or found compassion for my situation. I allowed myself verbal freedom. But I am strong disciplined and diplomatic by nature, so negative challenging statements emerged only a few times and still we continued til her end. Your situation with your mother is different, but I am letting you know that I have been in a similar place. We are "supposed" to have gratitude for our mother as giver of life ... hmmm ..
Clarity about things has been important for me to get a handle on it. I also started to think of the vengeful thoughts as intrusive thoughts. It is horrible to deal with our shadow side, but most people have to do it at some time of their lives. The fact of the matter is that you do struggle with your demons, you dont just lash out mindlessly. Personal agency and deciding on a personal path of how I was going to treat my mother helped a bit when she was alive. Limit contact, maintain authenticity which might include positive and negative thoughts. To deny the negative just makes it stronger and more hidden part of your psyche.
I am not saying whether you go in to a mhu or not, that is up to you and your doc. But either way these are some of the things that I went through in my attempt to deal with it.
I am no longer wracked with powerful unwanted thoughts centred on her. From time to time I think back on her without the illusions of a child and see the range of her qualities, I am no longer dominated by her values, and gradually feeling more free to live my life on my terms. Just hope you can get some strength and ideas for yourself in my story. Good Luck @BlueBay
