Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️💕 @BlueBay .... walking with you Hon.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member ....

I would continue washing and ironing your daughter's uniform for her.  Her work is a constant in her life and a sense of achievement.  You want to build greater stability, not reduce it.  Just pretend for the moment she has asked you nicely to do it for her, and when you present it to her, just drop in a gentle "you're welcome" as tho she had thanked you for doing it.  She might surprise you one day soon, and actually say thank you .....

Just set boundaries for yourself within your life with her ... ie, I want a clean kitchen so I will persist in keeping it that way, and just keep asking her to respect that (without losing my temper and getting shorty about it).  Ditto with the lounge and bathroom.  Give yourself time out from her when she's being difficult, because she is too old to and her to her room .... you go to yours.  She will start to recognise that you are choosing to remove yourself from her more obnoxious behaviour, and kids at this age tend to get caught up in the moment and let their behaviour, and mouth, run off with them.  It's pointless arguing over trivia.  And later they are too embarrassed or attitudinal to apologise, but they grow into it.  

This is how you train young children.  That doesn't mean my kids were compliant (remember that oppositional streak ?) so I began to make deals with them from early on ... and called them deals ....

"Okay, if you do this for me, I'll do that for you .... do we have a deal ?"

Dont forget to drop "I love you"'s in somewhere, even if it's on masking tape with marker pen on her bathroom mirror ... and even if it's just a drawing of a heart.  She might be feeling deep down that she is not worthy of love anymore.

❤️

[Former-Member]

Sounds like good advice @Faith-and-Hope. I need to try more of this too. 😘💕

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

It seems to have become a teen thing in modern society.  I dont think it happened as much throughout history or in developing nations where there has been less prosperity.  Things were valued and taken care of, there was not enough around to be taken for granted.  So it is not just a response to you being too caring, they see it in other households and try to push the boundaries at home ...

We want our children to have a sense of how good life can be and often over compensate.

I have known of 2 young men who have turned the corner. My nephew had the most gorgeous bedroom when he was born and a toddler. I was amazed and bedazzled .. by the effort.  Then for at least 10 years it was like a bomb had hit it. Stacked full with rubbish. The last time I saw him at a funeral, he talked about it to me and said how much he had grown up since then.

@Former-MemberI would not get into calling out emotional manipulation each time it occurs.  We all know it is emotional manipulation, but just call it out once or twice.  It is more important to protect yourself from frustration and take a few definitive actions, that limit the fallout practically.  @Faith-and-Hope practical ideas are great. Decide your limit on the emotional stuff too.  Call it out and detach quietly & firmly. Sometimes I warn my son when I am not going to react ahead of time, so that he gets to notice quickly and doesnt dig as big a hole.

I could not keep up a running commentary on ensuring every child did exactly what was required for their clothing, belongings and bedrooms.  I did deliberately sell our old house and buy a 4 BR house so that each child had their own bedroom so there would be clarity for them personally and me in managing their stuff.

I have been able to let the house go more as I no longer have students coming through .. so I can deal with and focus on the behavioural aspect and remember to be consistent.  

@Former-Member Your daughter is only 21 and it is possible that she can grow up a lot in a short time and have some BIG realisations. I would not enter into many remonstrations but find logical and natural limits for where your role startes and finishes .. and let her come up to the plate .. choose 1-2 areas to keep TABs on .. maybe she might like to help with cooking ..

or doing your hair ..

[Former-Member]

I think I'm going to get fired. I cant get fired again. I don't have any options if I get fired again.
WHY MUST I BE SO SHIT AT EVERYTHING I DO? WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERYTHING? WHATS THE POINT IF IM A FAILURE?

[Shimmer]

Hi @Former-Member,

Sounds like you're having a really tough time right now, I'm sorry to see. If you'd like, feel free to share why you are worrying about being fired.

You seem to be feeling really self-critical at the moment - we don't see you as a failure, you are worthy and valuable to us here  Self-compassion is so important, is there any way you can be a bit more gentle with yourself?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

I hear you. Why do you think you are about to be fired? Is there anyone there at work you can talk this through with and tell them it won't happen again (whatever is the problem). Let them know how much you are willing to try.

Dont give up.

We are never failures if we try my friend, even if the outcome is not desirable. We take away from it lessons learned and improve the next time around. Is this type of employment suitable for you? Are there other avenues to explore.

If it is because of illness - that is not a failure but an unfortunate circumstance. It's working on the why it's happening and navigating our best around it within our limitation doing our best. It's all any of us can do. Be kind to yourself and do what you have to to get through this.

All we can do is our best remembering when one door closes another always opens. Don't give up. Hugs

[Former-Member]

@Shimmer, I'm not being overly critical at all. I'm just stating fact.
I often think I wouldn't get depression if I wasn't such a shit person. If I wasn't so shit at everything, if I wasn't so shit all around I wouldn't have any reason to feel down.
How can I be not-depressed if I'm so shit? I can't even not try cause I couldn't be any less than I already am.
Sorry for this rant, I can't tell anyone else cause I just got out of hospital and they'd over react.
I just want to be less shit. That's all.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member. I will respond later to this. I saw it earlier but need a better headspace to respond.
Thinking some @Faith-and-Hope wisdom much needed
Many hugs from me for now. I am going through something kind of similar to you. Hang in there. 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member 

I'm about to be fired cause I'm so ducking dumb that I cannot interpret other people's words and know what they mean in simple emails. So I don't action them cause I am scared to admit I have no idea what is going on and then things don't get done.
But then I get in trouble for sending too many emails. And I'm scared of getting in trouble.
The thing is.
I'm shit at everything. EVERYTHING. I cannot name a single thing I am less than shit at. Work, leisure, exercise, study, social etc. all shit.
Shit at everything.
Everything.