Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member .... I know it's not the answer to everything, but my kids are soooo messy, despite my best efforts .... except D2 who has an intellectual and physical disability .... she's my tidy one !  The others have an oppositional streak.

WH has been really messy, but he is trying to work on himself with that now .... its not easy cos his mum did everything for him growing up, and he never developed tidiness habits .... but one of his brothers is rigid about tidiness .....

Just wanting to share that with you so you don't go blaming yourself.  @BlueBay is right .... that much goes with the age.  It's just not a priority for them, until like WH they get sick of losing things, and accidentally breaking things in the mess.

My way of dealing with it was cheap plastic laundry baskets.  I would, and still do, load all their junk into a basket to clear the main communal living areas of the house, and dump the laundry basket into their room.  And I only wash what is brought to the laundry wash baskets .... I don't chase them up over dirty clothes.  They get to the point where they will bring a wash load to the laundry to put through for themselves when they have run out of things to wear ....

Its a system .... it works .... not my ideal, but I make it not my problem either.  

Try to ignore the attitude.  She is lashing out and trying to upset you because she is upset inside.  If you can keep as calm an exterior as you can, and like a naughty child just straighten up the main living areas, consigning her stuff to "tidy up baskets" you might succeed in limiting this part of her behaviour.

❤️ I know it's hard .... keep swimming .... we're with you .... 🐠🐠🐠

[Faith-and-Hope]

@light321 .... are you doing better today ?

❤️💕

[BlueBay]

Hey everyone
I'm going off for a while. I don't know what's wrong tonight. I feel my life is mixed up I'm not feeling ok. It's hard to explain.
Think today's session has triggered off a bit of stuff.
Tears and anger are so hard to sit with. I'm sorry I just need to get away. Why I don't
Hope you all a better night than me.
Lifeline - no point. My life sucks.

[Former-Member]

Thankyou @Faith-and-Hope@BlueBay@PeppiPatty your supportive posts. I must say I do feel better for reading them. I will try the laundry basket @Faith-and-Hope, and see if my daughter will wash them. I know this can be normal behaviour for young people but it would be of no surprise if my daughter wore dirty clothes. Do your children never clean up dishes after themselves, leave plates and food on chairs etc. leave their bathroom filthy etc. Her untidiness is excessive and I don't think it's normal. But do like reading the feedback to see whether hopefully this is something she may grow out of.

I am guilty of what your WH's mother did - everything for my daughter. I have taken a step back now but she refuses. Do you think it would help her if she were to live outside of the home?@PeppiPatty I like your suggestion with the GP - we dont have any other family who could talk to her, maybe this might help get through to her because yes, the stress is taking its toll.

@BlueBay - Sorry to read you are still feeling down, you are such a beautiful person and I wish I could take your pain away. Thank you for the feedback on your adult children. You mentioned two have moved out. Are they tidy where they live now.

My daughter did move out once when she was very young (long story ), and she was nearly evicted for being untidy. She lives like a hoarder would. She takes advantage of us and has no compassion for what she is putting us through. Doesn't seem to care. I am starting to wonder if there is something really wrong with her or a stage hopefully...it's so hard to know what to do.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Former-Member]

I LOVE that idea of the washing baskets. Ive seen tha before and it works really good.

I've got to remember that your daughter is only 21 years old......

But your & husband's daily mental wellbeing is at risk.......

Ive got to get to my yummy meal not cooked by me tonight but I wanted to write to you that your work on youself is just really good. 

And also, my son, who was TAught.....at 15 years old he was the only  one of his friends who brushed his teeth every day and showered ever day and had a clean ethic and homework ethic.......

now he showers once per week and ......

Please I beg you to do what you need to ...your messages are great,

PP 

[light321]

thanks yes but feeling very unconfident. had a operation on my arm. hurts to much to go back nursing so i thought i might try learning to be a barister, but feeling like i'm too old to start something else. all the women that work at these places seem very young.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member,

i haven't been sure whether to respond or not but I wanted to because I can hear your pain. You didn't do anything to create this, her abuser did. He created the trauma that led to her MI. I can't see how you are responsible. You didn't deserve to have her taken like this, no loving caring mum does. I was in hospital recently with a mum going through similar things as you and it is horrendous. I have a friend who lived through something similar to you. She was on high alert 24/7 and couldn't leave her daughter alone for three years. Her daughter has finally come through but was resistant of seeking help for so long. I have one who lives under my roof who is the same age whose MI is destroying her life in a different way but also has refused help and doesn't take responsibility. I think it is the nature of the beast for these young women.

so I put myself in your shoes to work out what I'd do. I think I would write a list of all the behaviours that you can't live with. I'd then try to work out the ones you have a chance of changing or some control over. For example you can't change her going out and drinking too much (I don't know if she does) but you can change her leaving her things laying around. I think if it was me I would work with my therapist on plans to change her behaviour at home. My gut tells me that your daughter might need to see the list as well so she knows exactly what is making it difficult for you to have her at home. I think having a therapist would help support you for this and you could work on changing behaviours one at a time. You could then explain what and why you were doing it for each behaviour so at least your daughter could never claim she didn't know. But if you did all this and nothing dented her behaviour I guess then it's time to ask her to leave. My therapist put her foot down the other week and told me I needed to kick one out because she saw the toll it was taking on my mental health, but I couldn't. I felt like I needed to try other things first. So I am trying to create some new boundaries but it is really hard. 

And I have the same issues with mess with the three I have living here and the fourth when he gets back is the worst aged 21. They are a law unto themselves and I find it hard not to take it personally until I see my friend with her immaculately behaved young adults and then I see how much work she puts into keeping them accountable, it's still a full time job. But I really want to acknowledge that the issues your daughter experiences with her MI is nothing like I've had to and would test my friend to her limits. She is the strongest person I know but your situation would possibly crack her wide open too. She has never had to deal with adversity in her immediate family.

So I say to you please please don't feel like a failure. You have done everything a loving mother could for your daughter and I promise you one day she will understand this and be appreciative but it will take so much time and for her to take responsibility which are out of your control. In the meantime all you can do is set the boundaries and look after you first. 

[PeppiPatty]

Just to add something @Former-Member

I was not a good Mum to my oldest son. He llives far on the other side of Australia than me. It has taken years for him to forgive me.

But what I did was:

I'm sorry. I messed up. If there is anything I can say or do, please tell me.

For years I needed to stay still while he told me. All the time, being a good enough Mum. Putting boundries down. It was very very hard. It still is. 

It was really hard but at last, after many years, he is forgiving me. 

And thats what ya gotta do, it's okay if you mess up, if your not a good enough Mum but as long as you start at some time. Right now, that all that matters........

[PeppiPatty]

Great message @Former-Member, I will write to you tomorrow,
PP x

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

just saw your last post. 

I have one that refuses to do dishes at all, one that does their own dishes but refuses to wash anyone else's and one that will do three quarters of them and walk away :face_with_rolling_eyes:. I have one who leaves clothes in the bathroom, one that leaves make up and beauty products strewn across the bathroom and one that is good. I have one that has washed his own clothes since he was 12 because he is so fussy, one that desperately tries to do them before work and wears them half wet and one who just wears dirty clothes cause it's all too hard (oldest one). They all leave shoes in every room and the dining room is the dumping room for all things of them all. 

I hope this helps 💜🤗💐