NEED HELP WITH RAGE!

[PeppiPatty]

@Change123

It feels like a very harsh lesson for you with that  work. Especially if you have been diagnosed with BPD. Unbelieveable. I didnt know you had been diagnosed with BPD. 

Funny, this reminds me......... today, I went into a really cool place that I used to date the manager in. He has worked in this really cool place for years and years and years. And he is the most nasty person I have met. I ran past this place and he saw me and calls out...."Oh hello," I was my normal self.......He says...oh you live there now?? Ahh, that would be good for you. Ah yes, my DE FACTO, yes, we have been together for many years.......we OWN in.......a VERY LARGE block of land....yes yes. I was staring at him but pretending not to and remembering how I was addicted to his aggression......... I had memories of what he was like when we dated......LOL.....I dumped him and he BEGGED to give him one more chance........Just meet him at this other popular place.....in front of lots and lots of cool people he says really loudly....."Oh...NO, I don't want you back after all.........."

LOL. At the time I was a mess. I was so addicted to that aggression.........

I think @Change123 I would really like it if we could knuckle this out............

[Change123]

Thanks @PeppiPatty

I think I understand where my aggression comes from in the way I respond with rage with BPD. I guess I had so many wrongs done to me as a child right through to my 30's that now in my 40's I have a strong attitude of not having people treat me like a door mat anymore.  I used to let people walk all over me because I was brought up with the wrong religious attitude (I'm not religious) that I should think of others before me, which I know now is wrong.  I had never put myself first for 3/4 of my life and I guess now I'm taking that to an extreme of over asserting myself.  I need to realise that some battles are just no worth the effort and some people thrive on you battling them.  Its hard I guess sometimes being logical if I'm in an over emotional mood due to BPD.

I think though now my carefactor is going out the door with work, next year will be the tell tale sign of things to come.  If work doesnt pick up it will only get worse and I may be out of ajob soon anyway - so I'm just buying my time becuae this place is convenient for me until I find something else close by.  

My next challenge with work will be to get through the performance appraisal, depends if the woman owner is involved, if she is it wont be good.  I just need to shut my mouth and dont bother with retaliating as my thoughts wont be heard or understood by her anyway.  She doesnt believe in good appraisals as I have been told off for giving the staff under me positivity. As a HR manager you are always told that if you give negatives you should give positives - plus it makes people feel appreciated for a job well done.  She thinks it gets them over confident and they dont try anymore.... so negatives are all the go here.  I'm just working on my responses to ensure they are calm.

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @Change123

I'm reading your answers with much interest . A lot of things you do for instance caring and focusing on the employer with family at home but he was'nt getting the hours and he very politely resigned

May be where you

should be now. I will get back to you later tonight I've got some thoughts but very sleepy bye right now : pp

[Change123]

Thanks @PeppiPatty

Its really sad as the owners dont see what he done was polite and respectful now he is being bagged behind his back at every opportunity and how they will hold a grudge for a long time and if that position doesnt work out he doesnt have any more opportunities here.

Its sad or pitiful maybe the best word as they really dont see their actions in this, they have lost touch with everyday people realities because they have money , dont struggle or need to look after finances or even have kids they need to support. He has kids but I believe because of the wife he doesnt see them anymore but they are in their 30's and 40's - the wife is a real piece of work!

I'm looking everyday to see what jobs are out there - unfortunately in SA there is not much around at the moment and I want something close to home.  Gone are the days of travelling 30 -60 minutes each day for work, I find I need my sleep it helps my mental health so I dont want to work on the other side of town where I need to get up an hour earlier and home later - its no good for me.  But I'll keep looking something will turn up eventually 🙂

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @Change123

How are you? Of what little I know of BPD........

I'm wondering if you would be suited in actualy seeing an advocator just for yourself? Not a therapist but like....a Guidance councellor for a woman in her 40s? I'm 49 years old: there is NO WAY in ever can I even work for even a whole day any more......If you can....golly, your into change, let it natrually happen but maybe it needs a kick start ??

I think a Social Worker in your field can be something that would be suited to you. Can you see your GP and get thos 10 free visits but......just bend the rules a timy but and see a Social Worker or a Psychologist with a back ground of Social Work.

It feels like your work is going to be hard to be rid of without a little push from you, yourself ??? When I write that I mean that your boss might be a little dependant on your positive attitude and he can act badly because he you to be proactive in smoothing things over??

PP 

[Change123]

Hi @PeppiPatty

Yes I actually went down that road a couple of years ago through Relationships Aust.  Both me and my partner were having individual counselling sessions with her and couples.  It did help somewhat but I have come up with another idea which I posted in " about our wellbeing - emotional discipline another BPD perspective".  Basically I was self analysing as I aways do and thought well I'm a fairly disciplined person with certain things like work and physical activities around the home and I thought well I'm not discliplined in my emotions (hence BPD).  I thought well instead of trying to over come BPD as a whole I'm just reading this website (link was on that post) and learning how to be disciplined in my emotions.  I have also created a reward system for when I achieve my goal.  Eg. yesterday I started and my challenge was not to let rage get to me at work.  If I can do this my reward was to have a brandy last night.  Twice she hassled me and each time I thought to myself " nope I really want my brandy she is not going to get to me"  the second time I was actually laughing to myself thinking " I want my brandy" and again didnt let her get to me.  When I got home I noticed I was a lot calmer in general and my thoughts were clearer.  I enjoyed my brandy with no guilt as I had earned it!

Todays challenge is not saying anything negative here and you can imagine how hard that is surrounded by these people and with morale so low here.  But so far so good, I'm actually in a  good mood and my reward is to buy my favourite perfume tonight that I have been wanting to buy for a few weeks. I'm recording all this on that post and have asked the moderators not sure if they can but to call me out if I dont post Mon - Thursday so I have some accountability. I dont work on Fridays due to how quiet it is and cant post from home.

Anyway will record how I went at end of day since I'm not here.

I just figure I need to retrain the brain and if I have to play games with myself so to speak to get that - I will! 

Have a lovely day. 

[Appleblossom]

I smiled and really sensed your delight, reading this post .. in making the deal with yourself .. and anticipating pleasure instead of getting riled at work .. GOOD JOB.

[Change123]

Thanks @Appleblossom

Nearly let it slip out of habit - todays challenge no negative talk.

An employee who I work closely with has had enough too and he started to winge and I opened my mouth and went to go down the track of blah......blah... but I said one word and then thought and said outloud to myself " dont be negative, be positive today - I want my perfume"  and I did.  When I said this outloud infront of the employee who doesnt know I have BPD he said " whats wrong with you why should you be positive" in a joking way and I smiled saying I have set myself a challenge today which is not to be negative.  

I dont know maybe I found something that works for me!  Only time will tell but I'm also enjoying this and having fun.  Keeps my mind out of the doom and gloom of BPD.

[Change123]

Well its been a couple of days and here we go again!

I'm staying calm, getting very jittery though as extremely tired ann stressed.

Last night as I said good bye to the boss she exploded at me about the receptionist for about 20 mins, something she didnt follow up on.  Anyway I managed to calm her down and said that I would speak to the receptionist today - mainly so she wouldnt cop the wrath of the boss.  Anyway after discussing this morning she told me the story of how she spoke to the husband who is in his 70's and he was going to sort out this issue she was having.

This morning first thing had to intervene between the same problem bullying supervisor and another employee who has been given 3 other jobs " temporarily"  because of employees resigning - so he is doing us a big favour and should be applauded but instead this supervisor went off at over a mistake he made.  I was standing nearby and jumped in and said quite calmly " well everyone makes mistakes and what do you expect to happen when he is doing all these jobs, its not working and thats not his fault their is too much on his plate.  That stopped that.

Now the women owner is in so I went out to reception to be their for moral support incase she blasts the receptionist but being so gutless herself she just said good morning and walked in.  I went and spoke to the lady owner who exploded again saying she is lying and just because she is not comfortable doing that task doesnt mean anyone else should take over as I suggested.  Meanwhile after talking to the receptionist this morning she has told me straight out as she has a lot on her plate (she is in her 60's her brother is dying anyday from cancer o/s etc) that if the boss starts on her she will resign.  I told her I cant tell you what but if you do, do it the right way or you will have so much grief.  I have spoken to the Ops manager to give him a heads up and we are just waiting for the fun to begin........................... Meanwhile I'm playing pink floyd trying to keep calm.  I know I wont rage at her I feel I can control that now with my discipline but I'm also thinking of me and trying to deal with it so I'm not as stressed thats the hard part.  I can feel my anxiety going up but I'm still ok just doing breathing excercises now.

Boy I feel like the universe is testing me with all this crap plus all the crap at home and sleeping on a lounge and not getting any more than 3-4 hours proper sleep a night since the weekend - its taking its toll but I will not let her get to me - I have promised myself that and will remain calm.

[Shaz51]

Ahhhh I found you @Change123