Was just thinking of you @CheerBear. Was trying to compose something when I saw this.
Today was harder, better, crazier, more honest, more deceitful, helpful and full on. It was 90 mins long. I’m not sure what I think about it. All my fears played out there.
I have a better understanding i think I think of the therapy and how it might look. It’s very different to anything I had but she actually pinpointed some stuff that provided a few lightbulb moments.
The more honest was was that I just put stuff out there that I thought I’d hide because I was so scared of rejection. It feels like this is a last ditch attempt at sorting me out to find some kind of functioning again. The more decietful was not disclosing the true nature of my self medicating. I didn’t exactly lie, I just didn’t tell all. The more crazy was me getting so paranoid that there’s nothing wrong with me and I’ll be rejected. The better were the light bulb moments and that she was able to describe stuff to me that made sense. She talked about my disconnect between understanding everything but the feelings don’t match. Sorry that’s not worded well.
It is going to be much harder than I thought and pretty intense. I won’t know for another three weeks as to whether she thinks this therapy will work for me. Needless to say all the emotion and build up to be rejected is pretty messed up. I had lots of si when I got home about why am I doing this and I should just end it now but then got a text from the psychologist thanking me for today and I didn’t feel so much doom and gloom. I slept for 4 hours after the appointment I was so emotionally exhausted.
I returned the call to respite and I am going (I think). I desperately need a reset. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow which I’m going to hate because I’m holding off telling her anything. I’ve chickened out of seeing her for the last three weeks. I have to go tomorrow and I will feel deceitful and horrid and disloyal etc etc so it’s another messy day Straight after by an appointment with the service for an assessment for respite. On Tuesday I had a review of the psychsocial program I go to which ended up being very emotional for me too. Im kind of over everything just now.
Im really glad you’ve found your brave. I think maybe it’s having a nice reciprocating affect. I keep finding mine better after you’ve jumped another hurdle.
Just going to tag @Sans911, @Faith-and-Hope for the update. This isn’t meant to be exclusive but I feel like I owe it to them. Not needing any responses.
Hugs to all reading this dribble. 💜🤗
