Family members detrimental to my well being

[Jacques]

It has been 26 years since i last spoke to my aunt in Germany, she died in 2000, and i have no idea who the rest of my family are, sometimes i onder if i would have been different had it not been for the abuse i suffered and the family rejection, or would i have ended up the same anyway? who knows, but i sometimes think really hard if i was adopted and no one has told me, i just do't seem to fit into any of my family's, my mums family i have seen on a handful of occasions (weddings and funerals) but that is it, they are scattered all over Australia, to me they are no different than a stranger in the street.

Mum and dad are the only two people in my life that are family, dad is gone now and once mum is gone i will be alone, i am unable to have any romantic relationships because i am to scared of letting people close to me for fear of getting hurt, i am now a 34 year old virgin, never had a girlfriend, never even been near a woman.

I fear i am going to grow old bitter, twisted and alone, my whole life has been a train wreck from start to finish.

Jacques

[Decadian]

Jaques - my grandmother had a hard life and she did become embittered - and she loved me and was there for me often -

I don't like the idea of this happening to you - you sound as if you are a sensitive person who could be a really good friend -

My son was adopted - and if he was alive today I am sure he would tell you that being adopted really confused him - but that was only a small part of his story - when my family rejected me they rejected him too -

So I get it Jaques - I really do - and right now I cant seem to express what I feel about it - I might later

Decadian

[Jacques]

I have not had any friends since i was 19, so 15 years i have only had my mother, that is it, people in my town are scared of me, i don't know why, maybe i look agressive, i don't know, anyway i seem to have spent most of my life alone, i can handle it, but it would be nice sometimes to have a friend to do stuff with or a girldfriend to go out on dates with. 

Maybe i am just wishing, i know i am, but dreams, anger and hatred are what have kept me going for so long i don't know if i could cope without them now.

I hope one day you can make sense of your situation and make peace with how you where treated, you did the best you could for you son and that is all that matters. sometimes we are better to just walk away instead of traumatizing ourselves over and over.

Take care, know you are not alone and people here care for you.

sending you well wishes for the future.

Jacques

[Decadian]

Hi Jaques - I am sorry that things are so hard for you - and that you feel your anger is necessary

I still hurt from my family's behaviour - but I don't let it change my life - I guess it went on for so long I just went on doing what I wanted to -

I do know what isolation is though -

All the best Jaques - keep in touch

[Jacques]

Hi @Decadian,

I am glad you have not allowed it to rule your life, unfortunatly it has controlled ever aspect of my life, i know the pain well of rejection, but what can you do? it is something one needs to reconcile as best one can and try to move on and surround ourselves with kind, caring and loving people.

I am still completely isolated, i just can't bring myself to venture out and meet new people, i am just too scared to make friends anymore.

Times have moved on, the world is different now and i just don't fit in, well i never fit in, but it has changed so much over the past 15 years, i am just too frightened of people now.

You too @Decadian, i hope in the future your family can move past their disagreements and see that life is short and family is everything.

Take care

Jacques

[Appleblossom]

Somehow it seems for me that I have had to tell my story again and again til my utterance loses the pain associated with the words of trauma and people and memories.  New aspects relate to different themes and then I am older.

I would have liked to able to speak about it a few times to my family ... but they were never available .. generally it was what I provided them... it started off with babysitting, board money, and finally being a scape goat.  I studied counselling and heard about narrative therapy and think it is important ... I finally found a narrative therapist... but she was an immature woman always complaining about the children in the general practitioners waiting room outside.  I could ignore it .. but her irritation was palpable.  So much for theory and prac. Later I did a grief thesis to help me work through the material in my own structured way.  Nothing was conclusive .. but at least it was one telling of the story.

Yes @Decadian I agree with so much you write.  Dealing with the suicide of someone we love is one of the most complicated forms of grief there is.  Whether a parent or a sibling their life and death is a deeply enmeshed part of our existence. I am learning to accept that it was outside of my control and that i did the best I could and I can live with myself.  I never felt guilty as I knew I was totally committed to saving them .. but the thing that age and maturity gives me is the image of many other families and seeing how limited and desperate our situation really was.  I didnt know any better.

Yep @Jacques

A very important thred topic .. thanks

How is your aunt? I dont want to undo any calm you have found with music .. but this could be a good place to put bits of your experience about it.

Take care all of you.

[Jacques]

Thank you @Appleblossom, to be quite honest, i had forgotton about this thread until @Decadian started writing on it, i am involved in too many i think, i am struggling to keep up.

I am just so content that people have found it and are contributing and releasing the pain of their lives. it is so important to not feel alone with all this, sometimes things get so complicated that you feel like you are the only one dealing with it, i have been and still am shocked at how many people seem to share the same story. it is sad and helpful all at once.

Things are not too good tonight, mum and my aunt had another row. they have both gone to seperate rooms and i am as usual the meat in the sandwich, my loyalties lay with mum but i just don't like being put into the middle of things. I have been listening to music for nearly 6 hours now, i have just turned it off, you have not disturbed my peace, my mind is racing anyway.

I am finding it so hard to deal with tension and fighting, i have never experianced this before, my home has always been a sanctury of peace, but not anymore, i don't even feel safe in the shower, which was always my safe place. 

I heard yesterday a friend of mine from years back has died, i had to stop contact with him because of my anxiety and depression, i have not seen him for 15 years, i feel so guilty for not visiting when he was sick and now i feel even more guilty because i can't bring myself to go to his funeral.

life is just such a mess for me now, mum has been mentioning more and more about wanting to die, we are just both so frustrated we just want peace. i don't know if she is serious and i don't know what to say to her.

[Neb]

How tiresome Jacques! It must make life very tedious in that situation. My family just pretend everything is all right, but my relationship with my mother whom I love dearly improved dramatically when I moved to NZ.

i hated being with mum when I was really ill as mothers always treat you as if you are 6 years old, and I found I tended to conform to a mother and child role.....ridiculous but true.  I found that the case when incarcerated in hospital,...taking on a "sick" role. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to be there again, but I will never go to that point in my life again. 

Could you ever see yourself in an independent situation? 

[Appleblossom]

You did an amazing job caring for your father @Jacques. Is there anyway you would be able to get help to care for your mother. .. I know people who have a council housekeeper come in every week. You managed to cope with the builders. I know it would be another person in your space but if you had some decent case worker ... they may be able to support you to support your mother.  Being so isolated, and just the 3 of you .. things can get into a negative spiral ... it might defuse some of the tension between your mum and aunt.  ???

"End of life" conversations are important at some stage, but I am not sure how unwell your mum is. 

My best approach is to use my own active agency.  Even if its just the decision to make all my lists from reculced paper and make a place to store it ... it is me taking control of things and being constructive and one good decision leads to another ... YOU are a very creative being .. so keep doing things that make you feel better about yourself. 

The local council does have some services .. could you take the initiative ..

For all the tragedy in my family ... I was glad that my mother had a GOOD death ... if that is a possible thing ... She went out on her terms with her dignity which she cared about ... very much intact ... I didnt feel guilty letting others care for her intimately though I also helped physically but mostly emotionally with doing music with her till the last weeks ... it simply would have wrecked me and stopped me being there for the living.

Have you any special animals that you can adopt like @chookmojo or @Crazy_Bug_Lady ?  Any ideas that you can develop a caring of your mum and letting go of her in her natural stage of life ... but still attach to something life giving for yourself? 

Dont worry about your auntie ..she is not your responsibility unless of course something clicks between you.  You dont know ... weird things do happen. 

Sorry about your  friend dying .. take on what you think is right ... I did decide not to view my mother ... I had seen enough dead bodies .. I also decided not to go to my fathers funeral when i was a child .. make decisions that make sense for you.

[Jacques]

Hi @Neb,

Yes, life has been horrible for a long time now, my goal for life is to care for mum in her old age, that is about it.

No i don't think i will ever be independant, i have not had a night away from home or mum since 1994, i was so hystarical that night dad had to come and pick me up in the middle of the night, i think i was 11 or 12, i have not tried since then, the seperation anxiety is so bad.

Life is not going to get any easier for me, just more difficult.

Thank you for the kind suggestions. it is much appreciated.

Take care

Jacques