Family members detrimental to my well being

[hiddenite]

This is a topic that is very close to home. My parents who im living with at the moment are horribly verbally abusive towards me.
They tell me they are ashamed of me , that im worthless and that my children would be better off without me.
I have no self worth. I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I am so broken.
karen

[Appleblossom]

Maybe when family are that bad @hiddenite it is better to save your energy to develop your own life.  You might be wasting your breath standing up to them.

Yes @Former-Member I have long tried to make a family regardless of blood relations but my problem was that I let toxic blood rellies in and they have now proved to me they never cared about me but their reputations or their material goods. At least I now know that and have my own front door to draw a line with .. but the cost was great .. my heakth and my daughter .. so it no longer is a question for slushy gushy forgiveness .. I have been patient enough.

So yes I will move forward with the life i have left. My suicidality was never guilt but hopeslessness about getting through to people .. now I dont have to worry about them .. I will try and keep my self-doubt at bay.

[Jacques]

i had afriend once whom i saw more a my father, i had to walk away because he was going through a rough devorce and i was getting dragged int othe middle of it.  sometimes i find the closer you are to people the more they can hurt you, so i try to keep my distance from everybody, i sort of trat everyone as a potential threat until i am proven wrong.  if that makes any sense.

i find it can be just as tough with friends as it is with family, different groups wanting your attention and to take sides, i find it confusing and stressful.

i am hoping we can all learn some techniques to deal with and maybe help everyone here.

Jacques

[Troubled_One]

yeah, this thread is really intriguing.

Its what I suffer from right now after moving back in with my dad. I have had to go through a whole list of things in my mind to try and combat what is going on.

I try keep it simple and not pressure my dad, which is hard to do. There are so many possibilities but also so few, so just trying to understand that is hard. I try and keep in mind my brother my mother and father and myself. I know the problem is somewhere in there, and just stick at that.

...most often I am wrong but there is a reason, that is when I am right 😉

[Decadian]

I have very little to do with my sister - her behaviour is toxic and has been going on as long as I can remember - and wonder how she got so much power that I was ostracised from my family of origin for about half my life-time - and as far as I know - the only thing I ever did was to "Do strange things the family did not understand" and stick with my deeply troubled and suicidal son.

It is terribly unfair - not just to me but to other people in the family - I keep away - but I know the younger members of the family - including my daughter - are all under some strange spell - the only people I see are my daughter and her family - I get along well enough with the younger members there - but things are always touchy betweem me and my daughter - and she doesn't want to talk about anything in the past

So I have been in the dark. I have made a life of my own. I have been asked why my sister is like that. How would I know? I have never been told why what I did was so terrible

I have lived a successful life in spite of all of this acrimony - but I know my parents suffered terribly - both of them told me before they died - and what they told me is not something I am repeating -

Okay - maybe I am telling this badly. It has been a painful situation for me but the pain my sister has caused and still is causing other people while she thinks it's just me she is ostracising  is something I have no control over.

I can't change anything. I have given up trying.  My parents chose to believe my sister's lies and their sorrow at the end of their lives added to my grief. I can't carry this myself - I won't.

My belief is that if I had done anything seriously wrong to cause so many years - decades - of misery - I would know what it is - but I don't. I just have to keep away from people for my own well being - and keep things superficial with the people in the family I do see.

And wonder.

I have PTSD. I stuck with my suicidal son when he was in so much trouble - getting a criminal history and finally ending up in prison - where he died. Here's the most important thing.

If I had not stuck by him - I would be culpable. I would find it hard to live with myself.

And did the best I could and had I done anything esle - there is no proof that my sister would have not done whatever it was she did.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your post @Decadian and everyone else who has contributed to this discussion.

It sounds like you have done the right thing, by focusing on your own mental health, and doing what is best for you and your son. It is incredibly sad when families have conflict, but remember you cant control anyone else but you can control your reaction to them.

Unfortunately we cant pick family, but we can pick people to be in our life that are loving, supportive and non judgemental.

Thanks for a great topic @Jacques

Outlanderali

[Decadian]

Thanks Outlanderali - what you say is true - they say blood is thicker than water but it's also stickier. I will never recover from my son's death but I have learned to live around it It's not my problem that people in my family did not know how to deal with this life and death - I know what I did was right.

[BlueBay]

I always thought that parents would be by their children's side no matter what age and whatever the issue may be.  But for me my parents abandoned and rejected me 6 years ago when I told them i had memories of being sexually abused as a child which was over 40 years ago. I cannot explain the pain and hurt I have for their behaviour.

My brother and sister don't talk to me either because they have listgened to my mum.  I have only one sister who talks to me but not very often.  My dad has no contact with me because he listens to my mum as well.  She is so toxic and i can't stand her.  I cannot stand my own mum and sometimes I wish both her and dad were not here anymore that way I could go and talk to my dad when I want to where he would be buried.

I cry and get so emotional almost daily because i want them so much; but now i want more my dad than my mum.  The way she treated me when I told her of the abusewas disgusting. I was totally yelled at and not believed when i told her of my memories.  She yelled and told me i have betrayed the family.

I wish i had parents that were loving and supportive and that would come and visit me and hug me. thatl;s all i want - a hug and for them to say it's okay, you will be okay and we will support you.  

But i have nothing from my family.  I feel so alone with no family.

[Decadian]

One would think so @BlueBay - I can well imagine how betrayed you feel - only imagine though - I can't really know

I have heard of other people being ostracised by their family members - even their own parents - when the open up with all the terrible memories they have kept hidden all these years.

One would imagine parents would love and support them - no matter what the age an what the circumstances but this is not the case and I feel for you

My story on that subject - my parents and grandmother left me with some neighbours when they went to a wedding when I was about three - and I had been to the service and I picked up some confetti and took it back to the neighours house - and their teenage daughter and her friend sexually assaulted me with it - and of course my mother found out - and when I told her the truth she did not believe me - I was a dirtly little liar and I was thrashed.

But then I don't think I was ever sent back to that house again.

It has to be among the worst things to be betrayed by your parents in such a way - I feel angry for your sake - and I am shaking my head thinking - "How can a mother do such a thing? - or a father? - or a sister? or brother?"

I know the loneliness of not having your family around - no Christmas or Birthday Cards - no phone calls - the phone hung up in your ear, the door banged in your face and your mail returned.

It is incredible painful - and the pain is beyond description.

My father got over the problems I had with my son - my mother never did - there are times I wake up in the middle of the night and realise they are both dead now - but I did have a good relationship with my father for years before he died.

It's your pain now and maybe a pain you will carry all your life. I am glad you have opened up and shared it - and at least this is one good thing - I don't feel so alone

But you feel alone - you are alone - but one person has heard you

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Hi @Decadian

Families are hard work.  At first I sent my mum and dad a letter explaining my depression etc and she returned it to me.  I then sent my dad a birthday present - sent back.  I was devastated.  How can they, I kept thinking.  

My youngest sister listens to my mum and my brother - well he was one of the three guys that abused me at different times of my childhood.  I hate him so much, I have so much anger towards him.  But the thing is I never told my parents about my brother, i only told them of the other two guys (neighbour and uncle).

At the time I didn't tell them because of my dad, he wasn't too well and I didn't want to hurt him more.  But do you know who has been hurt more - me.  For keeping this secret all my life I am the one hurting; I am the one crying for them or for my dad at least.  Because even as an adult I still crave for that hug from my dad; a hug that i will never get.

I could write so much more but i better not because it's not my post.  I think if my parents were different as in kind, caring, supportive and loving - it would have helped me with my recovery a lot quicker.  But because theyh are the way they are I am the one suffering and it's going to take a lot longer because there are so mnay issues for me that happened as a child but affecting me now as an adult. 😞