Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[GreenT]

Just looking for shared experiences from carers about when it's time to leave the relationship.

I've been with my partner for 10 years (married for 7) who was quite open in discussing the depression (leading to hospitalisation) that he suffered long before we'd met. When we met he was stuyding and advanced degree and about 4 years ago, was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with morbid depression and ADD with hyperfocus and was prescribed meds.  You know - they were the good old days?He has been unable / unwilling to work for our 7 year marriage other than a few hours in a casual job on saturday evenings which he quit a year ago. First I was supporting him to finish his advanced study, but that didn't get finished in the time frame.

In the past year things have gotten much worse - he became obsessed by lesions that appeared on his skin which he would pick open to pull out various bits of "matter".  One night i came home to see him trying to open a wound on his foot with a sharp instrument trying to take out a 'creature'. Mental health professionals in the early days labeled it 'morgelleons' or delusional parasitosis, but being from a science background he's turned into a 24/7 researcher into these 'creatures' infesting his body, picking through his food, finding things in dryer lint that were invisible that then became visible in water. For the first 7 months he was only taking samples from his skin, archiving them and trying to get doctors to send them off for diagnosis.Now in past 5 months he's pulling out 'creatures' from up his nose, and poo. Lots of poo. My home is full of samples of poo he places in small tupperware containers for 'processing' (find the creature, wash it, photograph it, put it in a container of alcohol for archiving). We have a former formal dining room which was our study and it's full of hording clutter and body samples. I can't walk in there, it's a complete health hazard hazmat area. 

He'd ask for specific parasites to be tested or through the dr and those tests either came back negative, or the pathologists woudn't test for the particular bug he was trying to identify, which caused no end of frustration and conspiracy theories.  We've tried lots of doctors, skin specialists and tropical disease doctors, nothing has come out of it. There is something coming out of his body that's not right but it's the behaviours that are unbearable.
There are other obsessions he has around hard rubbish collecting and electronics and turning junk into inventions and these are all spread around the house and I'm not allowed to move or tidy anything. I have no where to be within my own house. I work a second job from home and have to sit on a very small part of a couch at night to work because the house and where my desk was is covered in rubbish and body samples. We fight terribly about it. I am anxious in the home because it's like every part of my space is invaded by his stuff, even the insides of his body are strewn around.
He'll spend most of the night working on his 'samples' collecting, storing, photographing them ( to send to a parasite expert he will find when he gets the 'perfect' shot ) then goes out for a walk and comes to bed anywhere between 3-6 usually smelling of alcohol then tells me it's just mouthwash. Then of course can't get up and will sleep much of most days.I am so resigned. Tonight as I write this, I'm at my parents house with our child because there were samples in the kitchen when we got home this evening. Our laundry has a poo collection. There's stuff in the top cupboard of the kitchen. Our bathroom has flecks of blood on mirrors and the vanity where he has taken samples which i have to clean down and disinfect most days. That makes me so angry asking everyday he NOT DO IT THERE. The fact he doesn't get that we brush our teeth in there and cook food in the kitchen sends me into an absolute rage. If it must be done can't it be done outside??  The answer i get is "Do you think i want to do this? If I don't figure this out no one will do it for me? Our son probably has this creature too so I'm doing it for his wellbeing - I don't care if i die from this 'creature i'm doing this for him".So then i'm the bady.

He goes through our child's poo too and has got me to take his samples to the doctor before. (Negative for anything except poo). Everyday he promises today is the last day for collecting and he's close to a breakthrough in his self diagnosis and he'll clean everything up. Next morning they're still there and the cyclce starts again.
I am in debt living like this because he contributes nothing, plus spends an extra $30ish a day buying preserving agents and containers for samples, plus there's the alcohol he squirrels through ATM cash outs when he takes my bankcard.
I am so numb and only slowly waking up to the impact of what's actually happening to my own life.
I used to be a person who lived in a safe place, with dreams and desires and the power to do things with my life. He used to be a person with just bad depression who was coming out of it. Now i ust get up everday, go to work, pay for everything and come home to a loveless, cluttered horded, poo smelling, unmowed lawn, husband in pyjamas, who won't see that at least part of what's going on may be a mental delusion. 

He's still under the care of his psychiatrist, but I doubt be tells her the full extent of his behaviour, and I'm not allowed to go along until I've seen all of his 'samples' so i can understand what it is. 
I want to get out of this relationship. But i feel a huge sense of guilt and compassion for the man. He is a good man in a bad situation, but i don't know what more i can do to help.

I feel like i've been enabling for too many years by being the breadwinner and not asking for him to reciprocate in some way - hey how about cleaning the house?? cooking dinner on the days i work? mow that lawn? put your stuff away? And it's just dawning on me, that it's my life also.
I'm living almost in hiding from my friends because I don't want anyone to come over. His parents are aware of the situation, involved and are very supportive but no one knows how to help. I've hung onto the idea that someone will find what ails him and there'll be a treatment and i'll get my friend back. But after 7 years, things are getting worse and worse, and we have a child who is our no 1 priority.

I'm a broken sad demoralised and resentful person who's half way through her life living in a relationship and house of horrors that's putting me in debt and giving me no joy in life. I'm just getting by on autopilot, but i don't know how much more i can take before I fall over.
The only time i can breathe is when my son and i are out of the house away from his behaviours, the environment and the situation.How can you help someone when they can't see they need help? When as a carer do you know you can't take any more? 
When you know you've given all you can give and there's nothing left in the tank?

[Jbck]

Oh Green T, I just can't imagine how hard all those years have been for you, you sound so loving and tolerant. As you said you have a life too, it took me many years for me to realise that I too was important and I deserved happiness within my situation. I so terribly hope your husband gets some help soon, and you get support and you make the best possible choices for you and your son.

[patientpatient]

Hi @GreenT, have read your post many times. My son has had health-related obsessions and delusions but nowhere near the scale or as bizarre as you are living with. (The worst that's happened here was having to go through a freezing winter without any heating because the heaters had a strange smell.) It sounds like you already know the best course of action for you and your son. I just wanted to say that, if you can, try to open a direct line of communication with the psychiatrist because they need to know exactly what's happening. One option is to write down your observations, take photos and send everything to the psych by mail or email. That might place more responsibility on the psych to take some action. Another option is to get the Crisis and Assessment Team to visit your house and make an assessment. Husband may not like it but that's probably the only way to help him.

[GreenT]

Thanks so much for that. I thought th CAT team were only for self harm situations so I'll definitely reach out to ask their advice.

[GreenT]

Thank you 😊

[Former-Member]

Hi @GreenT

What a horrendous situation for you and your family. You have been very strong and I can understand that all this is taking its toll on you. I agree with @patientpatient - your husband needs "urgent" mental health assessment as his mental condition is greatly deterioating. I doubt his psychiatrist would be aware. I would ring his psychiatrist as a matter of urgency and tell him everything and show him evidence if necessary. He may be able to hospitalise/assess him as that is the only way your husband can receive adequate treatment to stabilise him by the sounds of your situation. Is he on any type of consistent medication? Your husband also does need more to do to keep his body and mind active once stablised as a rountined, healthy active lifestyle will also help control the disease and to distract from falling prey to delusions. He does need to carry his weight more. Severe Mental illness is an insideous disease. Let us know how you get on. x

[Former-Member]

Hi @GreenT

I agree with @patientpatient and @Former-Member your husband needs urgent help and the CATT team is a good place to start. I don't know what state you are in but I would advise familiarising yourself with the local mental health act as well.

Can I suggest you also give Carers Australia a call, they offer free counseling for carers and may be able to guide you to some appropriate practical supports.

Darcy

[GreenT]

Thanks Darcy, we're in Victoria, I'll check it out.

[GreenT]

Thanks OverTheEdge, appreciate your reply. I'll let you know how we go.

[Barbara]

HI @GreenT i totally feel for you and your story made me cry because i must tell you that i am in a very similar situation with my son (26) who hords his body fluids, all rubbish, food (which goes mouldy) and anything he has come in contact with (even tree branches), his hair after a haircut, all his used toilet paper, etc etc.. no one is allowed to remove these otherwise he goes completely off his head and screems and threatens to harm us. i am very scared of him because he has been violent previously. i am not allowed to wash any clothes, towels, nothing. (he does not wash them either). he has a severe mental illness and is currently on heavy medication after being involuntarily hosptitalized for many months. it is not getting any better yet, i am hoping with the help of his therapist we will get some relief from the unstustainable situation. it is so smelly and unbearable to be in the same space as him. he thankfully has his own little studio but i feel so devastated to see him live more like an animal than a human. on the other hand he is paranoid about disease and germs and wears gloves 24/7. he has the worst dilusions and every day comes up with more and more ridiculous fixations. I could go on and on about this and unfortunately i can not leave him because he is my son and he is dependend on me. so i suppose i will have to deal with his illness for many years to come... hope this was not too offputting for you or anyone, just letting you know that you are not alone in this struggle. wishing you lots of strenghts and i hope your husband gets a good therapist to help him. this is my only hope for my son because we can not deal with this alone. please keep us informed of you journey... thanks for sharing your story, it is very brave.