Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOUR TRIGGERED BY GRIEF OR MEDICAL CONDITIONS. I DONT WANT TO TRIGGER ANYONE




So i was a carer for my nan for about 2 yrs maybe more and we were really close ans when i began caring for her became closer who passed away last year.
I wasnt really able to grieve at the time as i was tyring to hold my pop whom im now a carer for my mum together and making sure everyone needs were met.
But now its really hitting me.hard. and im having so many regrets about what i should have done whati should have said what i should have changed. I feel selfish alot of the time because every now and then i would go out with a friend and i really regret it now.

My nan had many illnesses including cancer so i went to all of her appointments and made sure she was ok.

It hurts me everyday. I miss her so much.
I get alot of flash back esp of the year before like Christmas and birthdays easter and all the rest of the occasions.
She was in a wheelchair and home oxygen 24/7 as she had bad lungs from copd.
So it did make it hard for her to go out when she was getting worse
I get flashbacks of the night i stayed at their house and i heard my pop completley break down and found my nan slumped in the wheelchair in the bathroom as thats how she got around
She was so weak and couldnt even hold herself up so i had to while calling am ambulance calling my who was 10 min drive away and help pop keep it together. It hurts me every single day.
I also have the last memory of my nan in the hospital amd as i was leaving she gave me a little smile and a wave and off we went.
She died 2am that next morning

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Former-Member,

Grief is complex and can be extremely painful. When someone passes away, it can bring up a lot of things - such as asking yourself if you did enough, could you have done things differently, wishing for a different relationship etc. I wish I could say it gets easier,  but I think its more that you slowly learn to live a life without that person, and slowly over time, you will experience both sadness and joy for that person. In my own experience, grief has taught me alot - even after many years of my loved one's passing, I find that I am still learning about the significance that the person had in my life, and how they continue to shape who I am today. 

@Determined also started a thread today about grief, and their dad. I wonder if they can offer some thoughts here?

[Former-Member]

yep those are pretty much the questions : what could i have done better, why wasnt i there more for her, wh didnt i leave school to take care of her, why did i go out with friends every now and then instead of being with her.

i know i couldnt have stopped her lung conditon nor her cancer from getting any worse but i still feel like i couldve done more to make it more pleasnt in her final days.

i  miss her so much 😞 @CherryBomb

[BlueBay]

Hi @CherryBomb

Can you suffer grief when you don't see someone special?  For eg. my parents abandoned me and I am sure that I am grieving the loss of the relationship and not seeing them. Even though they haven't passed away I am still grieving.  

BB

[CherryBomb]

@BlueBay I think grief is defined by the person who experiences, and it's usually around a sense of loss - grieving over something - or someone -  that will not be, or hasn't been. So yeah, grieving over the loss of a relationship, or the loss of childhood are all valid experiences. 

My in-law recently spoke to me about retiring, and grieving the loss of her career. 

@Former-Member remember to be kind to yourself - I doubt it's what your nan would want. It sounds like you did all could have done at that time in your life. 

[Former-Member]

i was caring for her since i was 16 but i was looking after her before that and pretty much raised me and when she passed away it was like she took apart of me with her @CherryBomb and i was 19 when she passed

[Determined]

@CherryBomb @Former-Member

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment @Former-Member and you are not getting much support from your family. It has taken a lot of courage to reach out here and seek support so I trust that it will be helpful for you.

Reaching out and addressing your grief is important, I am probably a good example of that although even those closest to me are clueless to how unresolved grief weighs on me at times. My post that cherrybomb referred to is the first time I have ever verbalised any of these thoughts.

Keep talking through your feelings and know that it is ok to grieve and be sad, there is no time limit for grief especially for someone who was as close as you were with your nan. I had someone say of me (behind my back) that it had been x years, I needed to just get over it, so understand how cutting it can be when being judged for grieving.

I don't know if I have been of any help but happy to listen or talk.  

[Former-Member]

thanks @Determined

i didnt and couldnt grieve for her to start with as i was too busy holding everone else up and making sure they were all ok

[Determined]

Hi @Former-Member

I was in a similar situation after my Dad died so can relate when you say you couldn't grieve at the time.
I had a new baby that would not sleep, my wife was quite unwell and I was left to support my mum after my siblings just left me to it. (They all lived out of town and possibly to process their own grief never came round). I responded by burying myself in work so that I was too busy to think about it, my family (wife and children) are still paying the price for this decision as my health suffered and I am currently unable to work full time due to ongoing stress related health issues. I say this only to encourage you to seek the support you need sooner rather than later in order to deal with your grief and don't be afraid to accept practice help.    

[Former-Member]

thank you @Determined

if you dont mind me asking, how are you getting through your grief now... what sort of things helped you?