My Story and where to from here.. (very personal)

[MDT]

All of a sudden everything goes. I end up where I was and nothing matters anymore.

I was just sat there and I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die. To just leave all of this.

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How easy it would be to do that. How simple and how quietly it could be done.

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Whats even scarier is that I just dont care. It's selfish I know. But it is how it is. I want to reset. I want to go to a period of time where I've never been. I want to leave this place and not return.

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I can't handle it. It's too much...

[MDT]

I had a bad time last night. Still feeling it somewhat this morning. Just empty or something.

[MDT]

It's like I've lost all perspective and don't even care.
I'm not sure how to put it into words. It's difficult to explain and understand. I'm just not myself and I don't even know who "myself" is if I'm perfectly honest.
Last night I was just sat there feeling like I wasn't even there with the other people. It's like I was sapped of all energy, enthusiasm and interest where I was practically forcing myself to try and enjoy my time there. I feel so isolated.

@Former-Member I'm not sure if chat is open atm. But either way I'm not great atm. But I am safe.

@Zoe7 @TAB @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope @outlander @Shaz51 @soul @utopia @eudemonism

[SleepyPanda]

Hi @MDT

Sorry to see that you are having are having a hard time, please send me an email if you would like to chat.

SleepyPanda

[MDT]

How do i do that @SleepPanda?

[eudemonism]

I'm hearing you @MDT i so often feel similar in big crowds... or groups of 3-4 upwards of people. Even when i go out and about. For a walk. Or for coffee. Or out to dinner. My perspective becomes totally distorted... basically wanting to run and hide, so i don't have to deal with it. Not a good scenario really..

[MDT]

It really isnt @eudemonism
It hasnt happened for a while now. I think it was brought on because i was seeing a lot of people around me last night. They seemed happy. Whether they are or not doesnt matter because it made me think about how i am not happy. Also seeing young people my age enjoying their time, dancing and enjoying themselves. I cant dance because i feel too much inhibition. Only when i drink enough can i do that. But again tye thing that got to me most was seeing couples and people hooking up. I still havent even had sex yet. And yet i am 25. It seems like my days are gone with all that and i am going to be at a loss for that.

I just feel really undesirable. Even if people say i dress smart, have charisma and look alright etc... going to the gym has helped my phsycial appareance because i look fitter but not like a freak. I keep myself clean etc. So i appear one way but feel shit deep down. I wasnt doing any of that to feel beter either, i was doing it because i wanted to take pride in my appearance. Different thing.

I was just there looking around at everyone and seeing them enjoy themselves and yet im wondering what the hell im doing with myself. It took me back to childhood really...

[utopia]

Hugs @MDT ❤

[SleepyPanda]

@MDT

We can talk via email team@saneforums.org

SP

[eudemonism]

@MDT it's great that you're opening up and talking about this stuff. Just remember many many other people have gone through similar stuff or other stuff. And there'll be plenty more of them to come... think about the stuff these people who you are sizing yourself up against, think about what their going through, behind the scenes of their outward appearance and their facade...
My first intimate encounter with a lady, messed me up for a good 7-8 years, to the point of wishing it had never happened... in hindsight i realise it probably, greatly contributed to my issues; I'd just get on with life as best you can, and how you see fit... also try looking at this experience in a healthy and spiritually orientated way...