Thursday night dad had his Christmas Carol Night at the nursing home. I sent notification to family and reminders that I was not attending if someone could go be with dad. But none of them did. Fortunately he wasn't alone as I asked a lovely church couple who love music & know dad to be with him and they went,and said he participated, sang along andand smiled :). Its good he wasn't alone. I knew he'd like the 30 strong Brass Band.
Its still painful for me to attend such celebrations without my girl, and this night air really sets off this acute asthma thing I'm currently battling (stop prednisone today), Also, only one relative is invited to dads Christmas party next week, so that will be my Christmas thing for him. Given recent waring wards and expressed hatred twd me by siblings, I thought announcing I wouldn't be there might make them more comfe to go. (wonder if PG is picking up on their deceptions yet). Speaking of Public Guardian, I haven't heard what the decision was last week, about dad becoming "Permanent Placement" Tried to return a couple of missed calls to no evail, and emailed without reply. I just don't understand how pole sleep at night. And the games they play:
- I get missed call to ring back
- I ring back and their 'in a meeting'
- I get an email expressing how they tried to phone me but I didn't answer yet they have not responded to issues in my last email and don't state what they tried to ring about...
WHATEBER I DO OR DONT DO IS GONNA LOOK BAD TO SOME PEOPLE. IVE DECIDED TO SHIT DOWN TO THEM AND JUST KEEP LOVING DAD. God knows nobody else is there for him. Oh, my mind wants to go to the hurtful comments bro2 & sis documented in the correspondence to Public Guardian, wright or wrong - they clearly wanted me out of the picture and this has been so very unfair, wrong, deveving and painful rejection for me. And I guess for dad, because in spite of all their grandstanding in words, they have done very little for dad for a long time. Maybe its the dementia, maybe his faulty parenting (physically violent) and phobias, but its not hard to see past all that for me. Dad also has a funny side and placid amiable disciplined man most the time, with heart. Oh the way he doted over mum was something to envy - she doesn't know how lucky they were to have each other, always ever upset about something, lashing out... I wish I had more positives to draw on.
Being alone in this house is weird. Starting to feel more comfe to move things now (mum use to go right off when I cleaned up as she perceived it as walking I'll over her, even though she didn't know what she wanted done and was so sick). But now, nothing (thank God!), just echoes haunt sometimes. Must start REALLY cleaning up when I get some energy back. Decades of sticky filth in the kitchen for starters. The glacial pace of Public Trustee indicates to me that the house won't be sold for a couple of months so this will get me through Christmas (a hard time for me without my girl), BUT, my son is coming so I feel motivated to tidy the space for him. Deep down I think mum would want it all tidy. She just couldn't throw anything away. I've been much the same, on a smaller scale. If they turf me out at Christmas, well, honestly, nothing would surprise me, and its on them not me, but I think I'm safe a while.
Had a couple days break from bro4, he goes on the pot every payday I think, always very quiet those few days, the comes fishing for a loan less than a week later, sad really, but of cause I don't really know. He's my primary family contact, how sad is that!
But in spite of all this storm spinning around me, I feel a reprieve, like tge eye of the storm is giving me a chance to breathe, even if just a while. Thank you God
Thanks for listening. This is my hideaway corner xox
