Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Owlunar]

Hi @outlander

You would be surprised but think of it this way - 

We don't wake up one morning and know we are wise - it's a process

Wisdom doesn't come all at once - I am still getting wisdom and it started when I was in my thirties - and it doesn't arrive when life is really easy and everything runs smoothly - it comes during the hard parts - I would be wrestling with my ideas while up to my neck is the tough stuff - I didn't enjoy life much back then - I felt like the dogsbody - giving up my own life so three other people could live theirs.

And it didn't help when my mother told me it was my job - but then I went back to school and this was huge - 

But we cannot see us as other people do - as God does - you would be surprised how your thinking is developing as time passes - you are doing better then you realise because things are really hard for you 

But there you are

Dec

[outlander]

thank you @Owlunar and yes your right, wisdom doesnt just appear its all a journey. us humans are always learning new things- who says you cant teach an old dog new tricks!
some people can really hinder us but maybe thats where we get the wisdom from- we have to learn faster (and often the hard way) when we have so many expectations and challanges to face.

[Owlunar]

I don't know about old dogs @outlander but I have an old cat and she is clever plus - the older she gets is smarter she gets and sneakier she gets and demanding - I started calling her Queen Victoria because she has become really tyrannical lately

And I am still learning - atm I am watching them construct a huge bridge in Norway - and before that - I can believe this but the task! - they are pulling the clock tower of Big Ben in London down to repair the corroding steel and for a few years they have to stop the bell because the hearing of the workers on the clock tower would have damaged hearing

I soak up trivial information like a sponge - and retain it - but I am into Danielle Steel books that are about the disasters rich people have - oh the clothes and oh the disasters and the childbirth and agony - but always they resolve into a happy ending - I wonder where she gets all those plots from

So yes - I have known you for getting on for 2 years now I think - I first spoke to you when you had a badly infected breast - I remember that day well

And you may still feel up to your neck in water but you are a lot better than you were - you  are learning to live a tough life with a dysfunstional family - and this is our choice - learn to live with them or walk away from them - or wait until we are ready to do that

But even then - we don't have to do it all at once

cya

Dec

[outlander]

hi @Owlunar
cats are very clever no matter their age. she does sound very cute though even if she is sneaky and demanding.
im not sure about the building bridges show but i am watching unwrapped 2.0 it shows how different foods are made and manufactured. its on sbs on demand- its free to sign up if your interested in taking a peak at it.


ah yeah i very much do remember that day was a very big mess!!, hmm no i think i knew you before then as you walked me through an invasive procedure with Niqua. i think youve been with me for quite a few unpleasantries!

it is very tough that for sure. families can be very hard work!!
hugs for you too

@Former-Member how are you going?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Owlunar @outlander @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope, and all... Thanks for checking in. It feels like I've been really busy yet often seems I've not got much done. Perhaps that's the nature of caring for someone... ya constantly dropping what you're doing to care for them...  Sir sorry I've not been on forums much.

I'm worried about dad's steady decline, especially cognitively. Yesterday I heard him telling his shower nurse I was his sister. The last couple days he's been asking "how long have we been in this place for?". He often thinks I'm mum 😞   

Bro4 asked the other day " how k ng do you think he's got? Unfortunately I think every last one of them just want him out of the way to their share of the estate. Very sad. God knows they're not around otherwise 

I'm feeling guilty that I'm gonna have to put dad in respite to go sort my house 😞  I'm worried he's gonna go backwards. Wanted to do it in short increments but worried won't go back so wondering if one whole month - that should be enoughenough focused time to finish up emptying the house for good. Very sad. But dad will miss meme (I've become his lifeboat)  and its really worrying me. I know I have the right to 'get on with my life' but its like i'll unravel all the the good I've done here for him by going away.  Its just this house is a noose around my neck I have to let go of and this is the first genuine offer in a year its been on the market - I have to take it. But the 'how to' for dad. Wish family were more supportive. 

Last night, just up the road, the preso chch hall had an old hymn sing along & soup night. Told ## & ## were waiting for us and he was happy to get up, with help to change, and go out. it all flowed and those who knew dad & mum came and spoke to him, and i think he remembered faces, and for a brief moment I felt "this is how it should be". (Oh dear, tears welling upup typing it), it was good for the soul. 

[outlander]

morning @Former-Member
no apologies neccessary. i very much get being busy but feeling like we arent really getting anywhere.
im sorry to hear about the declining health of your dad. watching our loved ones deteriorate is super card. hugs and hugs.

family can really such sometimes. when my nan was sick no one offerred to help etc but when the word got around she doesnt have long left everyone came from everywhere but when they realised they werent meantion in a will etc they all dissapeared and im sure the same will happen with pop too.

it sounds like a really tricky situation to be in Lapses, one that doesnt really have an ideal solution so you just have to work with what youve got- so putting your dad in respite and getting the house sorted out.
whilst your away perhaps you could take some pictures to show him when you come back. can you do phone calls once a day while your away (or every second day) and speak both the the staff and also your dad too?

[Appleblossom]

Quietly listen to your heart and conscience and you will make good choices.  Using your mind to make the best choices is an affirmation of life. Your son will benefit from knowing you are functioning well. The cycle of death is inescapable, people prepare for it in different ways  and grieve in different ways.

Your dad has had a good innings and a loving daughter.  You cannot prevent the inevitable.

 @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Thanks @outlander, phone calls could work, maybe get bro4 to visit daily and we'll use his phone.
@Appleblossom, are you sayings its OK to back off a little? Sometimes o occasionally think of going to the sibs & saying "I'm not coming back your problem now!

They, the sibs, they don't want my job, they want control - to put dad in a nursing home where they can forget about him, continue this pathetic attitude that he's 'not there' anymore, and will "forget anyway" Bro2 has the title to dads house (I'm told recently - but they all lie), apparently dad ask bro2 for these documents last w'end but bro2 fobbed him off. Well, that's what bro4 told me today - in tears, said it distresses him to see that look in dad's eyes to (1) have bro2 remove his important documents and (2) have me not leave him with a front door key again after he let bro2 make multiple copies (& I changed the locks). Maybe I shouldn't have changed the locks. I donno.
@Owlunar, its really good you don't have to live with SI. I hate it, but the sad reality is that its a sure sign off depression - accepting these dark thoughts as not me but the disease - or 'blackdog talk' - this was a big turning point for me. Accepting I need help, at least in the form of a tiny white tablet, for the rest of my life. And talking here, about mental health core issues with real sufferers, like @Appleblossom, @Teej, @BlueBay, @Adge, @outlander... and so many more, this has been so helpful - to not feel so alone, to talk about SH... without scaring ppl off all the time. Dec, I know you've suffered many things similar to mine, but if you had underlying BPD/cPTSD, you might know about SI & SH. Its hard. But you do lno Grief, and I'm so appreciative of how gentle and patient you have been with me, and care as you say. Thank you for that, its hard to feel loved but... you have been consistant - proved, and not run off like so many. You and F&H & Apple, since the beginning I think. Wow.

Had the hard conversation with dad about going into a rest home / residential care while I go fix my house and empty out re contract. He wasn't keen on the idea, asked if Lloyd could take him, and asked if Bro4 could come live here... I couldn't seem to get through that he'd be better off in care. Reality is - I'm not convinced he is better off myself, it's crazy. But I have responsibilities too. Tempting to just go & not come back.

[outlander]

@Former-Member do you have BPD?

[Wenna]

Hi @Former-Member, its Wenna one of the week end moderators. I have sent you an email to check in with you.