Lived Experience Forum

[brainumb]

New here… Suffering with C-PTSD, severe anxiety and panic attacks, social anxiety and depressive disorder. 

My story (in short)

• Childhood trauma - my dad suffered from schizophrenia and I saw violence growing up. I also saw him suffer with his mental health in a time when there wasn’t as much support or awareness as there is today.  Schizophrenia is a very scary, and lonely disease. 

                        ……………

• I was in a VERY severe domestic violent relationship in my adult life, for reference I met my ex when I was 20 - I am now 30 years old. I suffered physical violence under his hand, sexual violence, stalking, financial abuse, isolation and psychological aggression, including extreme threats. He was a professional boxer and I was hospitalised 7 times in 6 years (broken ribs, collapsed lungs, broken bones, bruises, cuts and scars and a near miscarriage) and that’s just the physical trauma. He is now in prison and he narcissistically believes he shouldn’t be there and I am to blame. I have suffered victim blaming, (police pressure with no support) PTSD, flashbacks, permanent physical injuries and I live in constant fear for my life. 

• Child taken from my care - due to my ex partner being an extremely violent offender DOCS got involved and took my son away from me because they thought I couldn’t protect him from his fathers abuse so he was placed in the care of my family.  

• Drug abuse - I turned to drugs to numb my pain (my ex introduced them to me) I am now 3 years clean but it will be an ongoing battle I will have to fight for the rest of my life.

• Jail time - I have spent time in jail as I didn’t have any respect for the law or myself and ended up in awful situations with the wrong people. I lost a lot of time in there sadly. But most of all I regret all of the terrible decisions I made and the people I hurt along the way. 

• Grief from losing parent + a grandparent - I lost my father due to gun violence he was living in the USA so I never got to say goodbye.
  My grandmother passed when I was heavily addicted to drugs so I barely made it to her funeral and I carry that guilt everyday.  

• Grief from losing a loved one - my best friend of 12 years died from drug abuse and was left to die, and I wish I could have done more for him. I wish I could have saved him. 

• Severe dog mauling/attack - I was attacked by 2 large dogs in 2020 at a ‘friends’ property.  They both mauled me on the ground at the same time, and then they were shot by the police and I was hospitalised for weeks. But now I live with very deep and harsh scars all over my legs and body and have formed an extreme phobia of dogs. 
  I have nightmares and flashbacks of the attack everyday and night. 
  l find it hard to leave the house in fear of this (especially on walks, in public, or if I have to go to someone’s home if they own a dog)

I used to be a social butterfly growing up but now I find it difficult to make friends or to find anyone who can even begin to understand anything I’ve been through (including Drs and professionals) I don’t leave the house much and I have lost all confidence in myself as a human being. I try to be strong for my family but I feel broken and damaged and out of place.

I just can’t go the rest of my life carrying all of this pain around. So I thought maybe I could just write it down. 

These traumatic things I’ve been through are not for sympathy but to find anyone who can relate to even the smallest thing. 

Im hoping to heal and gain confidence to save my mental health. 

So if there is anyone out there that has had similar experiences I’d love to connect. My story is long, hard and complicated but it would be nice to not feel so alone. 

Thankyou for reading. 

Drowning in depression and anxiety 

Complex mental illness, failed by the system and suffering 

Domestic Violence Survivor 

PTSD due to domestic violence? 

Surviving CPTSD 
Paralysed and lost with: Stress, anxiety, domestic violence, Narcassist, epilepsy 

Suffering extreme PTSD

I used to be normal 

helping drug addicts 

Recovering well 

When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs 

Grief 

3 year cycle. (Long long story) 

Grief and Guilt 

TW: Psychosis and being charged by the police 

Consumed by guilt 

Re: Not Coping 

Re: Adult Mental Health 

Re: This is ridiculous 

Re: Morning has broken 

Re: Good Morning! 

[Zoe7]

Hi @brainumb and welcome to the community. It is very brave of you to tell some of your story and also to reach out for support. There are certainly parts of your life that resonate with me and I would like to say that although I have been through a lot, I am now very much in recovery. That, of course, is an ongoing process and it has been a long, hard road but I am getting there. I am only saying that to you to give you hope that life can change for you too. So much of that for me has been as a result of SANE and these forums so I hope (in even a small way) we can be that for you too.

[brainumb]

@Zoe7 I wasn’t sure anyone would even read it to be honest i just needed to put it out there. My only goal is to heal and not hurt anymore. Thankyou for listening I appreciate the support . 

[Zoe7]

That is a pretty big goal and I wish you all the luck with achieving it @brainumb I am more than happy to walk along with you and support you as you go (if you would like that). It took me many years to get to the stage I am now but I had so much support from the members here and the wider SANE community so I know just how important that support is. 

[brainumb]

I am very emotional right now as I don’t talk about my trauma to many people but this forum feels like a safe place. 
I have never had any kind of counselling or therapy as my anxiety prohibits tha,but it’s nice opening up without the fear of being judged. 

i would like that very much. Im so glad i made the decision to open up thankyou for taking the time (it means more then you know @Zoe7)

[Zoe7]

It can be so emotional when we do open up (to anyone) and that support is there without question @brainumb These forums are a great place to connect and receive that support so I am really glad you took that brave and courageous step to first join and then tell part of your story. Whilst anything we provide here cannot replace personal counselling, it is a place to talk and get support. I am more than happy to be a sounding board for you and walk along with you.

For a little background - childhood trauma and DV have been a massive part of my history but I have very much been able to put all that behind me.

[Warra]

I am so sorry so much has happened to you in one lifetime.

I have had a similar life and am only now putting myself out there after 5 years of leaving my ex. 

I have found writing down your thoughts and feelings, pure ramblings help clear the mind. You could fill a book with the same ramblings. Before you know it the issue bugging you becomes clear. It can also help organise your thoughts so you can identify, learn, heal and grow from issues. I started a healing journal last year to help identify and address my mental health issues and the things that lead me to having such issues.

The biggest piece of advice i can give you is:

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time to deal with your mental health. No pressure 

Forgive where possible. Truly forgive. This will allow you to let go of any angre and allow you to live your life peacefully. Find the beauty in the small things again

Make time for self care time. Even if its 10 minutes out in the garden. Quieten your mind and find peace. There's research that shows that soil has serotonin in it which assists in brightening your mood.

Lastly, try to look at all the events that made you the person you are today be a negative. Flip the events and take comfort knowing you have had a lot more life experiences than most and have learnt so much from them. For example you would be more empathic towards a stranger who was struggling than someone who hasn't had the life experiences that you've had.

Stay hopeful and test your comfort zone. Continue to write your thoughts down to clear your mind. 

Best of luck

[brainumb]

Thankyou for your reply 🩷 

Your kind words mean a lot to me and I really appreciate your advice. 
Look after yourself 🩷