A long rave

[Mazarita]

@Shaz51, so good you know when to take a rest day. I was in and out of bed today too, trying to recover from this chest infection. Still really unwell with it really. How nice that you had your hair done. What does it look like? Is it very different to how you had it before? 

[Shaz51]

hope you feel better soon @Mazarita 

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Mazarita

How are you ? Hello everyone else....you know who you are.

Yes, it is difficult but it is for everyone. There is a lady who lives in the complex who has her drug addicted son who is diagnosed with bipolar and is homeless and her nephew stays with her and is also struggling with times of mental ill health and......all in a one bedroom place.

How are you ? I feel a movement from you since I last saw you....you are more open or you have changed your talking or something......you have 'free ed up," does this make sence to you ? 

It might be that or it might be that .......I've missed you ...... stuck in my little unit handsewing dogs for handbags......

[Mazarita]

@PeppiPatty, how I am at the moment is just trying to heal from this chest infection I have come down with over recent days. Feeling a bit sorry for myself about my poor physical health in general over a lifetime. Sometimes seems if it's not one thing it's the other. Another part of me accepts it all.

And then I think I have so little to be feeling this way about when you describe some of what you go through, and your neighbour. In many ways, I have a good life. Just tell that to my dark and troubled moods that seem to be so senseless at times.

I'm not sure if I'm more open since you took the break from the forum. Maybe. Perhaps it's just that I go through these different mood movements across time that see me sometimes more open than others. Depends how things are at the time, perhaps.

How lovely to be missed. The feeling is mutual. 

Handsewing dogs for handbags sounds like a good thing to me. I similarly spend a lot of time putting bits and pieces of image and sound together for the little videos. Sometimes my dedication to it seems absurd. Other times I appreciate just how much of a lifeline it has been over time. At the best of times, I think I'm giving something good to the world with creativity and then it seems especially worthwhile. At the least, we could be doing a lot worse!

Good to be chatting again. 

[PeppiPatty]

My darling @Mazarita

I need to be going very soon because Im working hard on this handbag and have it finished .......

Do you mind if I answer you tomorrow ? I'lle also have the bag finished so can take a photo of it.........The feeling is definately mutual,,,,when you did the video tape of my poem..........wow.....

You also get work from your art.....I keep on giving my art away........

xxxx 

[Mazarita]

@PeppiPatty, look forward to seeing the photo tomorrow! It was a special thing for me too, to make the video with your poem. Nightie night. ox

[PeppiPatty]

hi @Shaz51

How are you this morning ? 

Guess what? We are getting a very old friend to train our dog Arlo on Saturday.......He's Mr Barker of the century.......

But I wish I could get my hair done too so I am booking in next week :0) 

We need  care ourselves don't we ?

[Appleblossom]

@Former-MemberI found your story sad and interesting. H mmmm . Maybe you will not know if the visitors  had permits, but I would think they would not leave carcasses behind like that.  Hmmmm. However culling is an uncomfortable reality for city slickers. We tend to romanticise the bush ...

I love the proprietary way you talk about YOUR forest.  I do that sometimes about places I have loved.

@Mazarita

Choosing "in the nest" days . ... good idea ... hope you are over chest infection and lans for procedure are good.

@PeppiPattyYes most people struggle. 

So lovely to have you around again.

@Shaz51

Hope you all come through.

Cheers @outlander

[Mazarita]

Hi @Appleblossom, thanks for your thoughts. I am feeling quite a lot better today, though still coughing up muck and have slept a lot. But I've since had a shower, which has improved wellbeing, and am in the process of doing my washing. Bed is made. It's nice to start moving out of my sick and feral mode. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for B12 shot which is due and some other things that need checking. Will be good to get out of the flat after so many days inside. How are you going at the moment?

Hi @PeppiPatty, @Shaz51 and everyone, sending good vibes for the rest of your day. 

[Mazarita]

Just after 3am as I start to write. I'm very tired but can't get myself to bed. That's partly because I know if I go to bed I am going to be coughing a lot, possibly violently. I tried to sleep in the armchair earlier. That was after having a relapse tonight of the asthma symptoms from this chest cold. I calmed down my breathing and coughing, but wasn't sleeping in the chair after a long time. So back up again. I feel naughty because I should be trying to sleep. I need it for physical healing, as well as mental health. Why am I here then?

At least I don't do these super late nights as often as I used to.

But really, why don't I take better care of myself? I guess there has to be some part of me that doesn't think I'm worth it. Still! I mean in my conscious mind, I sort of do, I think. But I neglect myself in these basic and crucial ways. It's as though that behaviour is from the unconscious. Where perhaps there is some hopelessness about various things (and the shame and guilt I've been talking about with my psychologist). Even as I try to find peace and contentment with what has been dealt me, and what I've dealt myself, something in me seems to undermine that. And yet, I have sought to make friends with my unconscious over the course of my life, often through creativity.

Still, not all is bad. I showered, did a load of washing and made the bed today. And walked out the front to check the mail. Not sure I'm going to make it to the doctors tomorrow though. Supercell storms are forecast for SE Qld. I have to go to the doctors by bus and walking. Not sure what to do, will decide in the morning.

I also already cancelled my psychologist and massage appointments this week. What a nuisance is this cold. I have started to think I might need to go to emergency a few times there. The breathing has been badly affected. Interesting though that I was really able to help calm down my distressed breathing, and seemingly improve the asthma, by doing some meditation and counted breathing in the armchair for about 45 minutes.

Anyway, all is okay. I'll probably sit back down in the armchair to try for sleep soon. In the meantime, this is really just middle-of-the-night raving...