13-06-2018 04:38 PM
I am a year into a relationship that I would consider quite healthy, however the fighting seems to be so much worse than what I pictured it should be. I'm not talking violence or anything - just near weekly hysterical crying over the most ridiculous things you can imagine (eg. changing the plans to go to a friends house so we get there half an hour later). I know I have a tendency to over-react and be over emotional, and we both have anxiety, but even with all our mental health taken into account I feel like we are somehow always getting things wrong.
My partner and I have talked about our relationship a lot in that we both feel lost in how a healthy relationship actually looks. We have no role models as everyone we know seems to have bigger problems in their relationship than us, even if they fight less.
If there’s anyone that can even point me in the right direction for an example or role model of a healthy relationship it would be so helpful!
I know this isn't really mental health related but I figured if there was one place where I'd get an honest idea of reality (not those perfect Brady Bunch couples), it would be here!
13-06-2018 09:25 PM
@Emz Hi. This is a very interesting topic. I guess that my answer is that if you feel happy and supported in the relationship then it is healthy for you. I have been with my partner for 30 years and I know that our relationship is healthy for us. We rarely fight or even argue because over the years we have gotten used to each other and know each other well. But in the early days that was very different lol.
I guess I am saying fighting and arguing doesn’t necessarily mean an unhealthy relationship
I hope that makes sense 😊
14-06-2018 10:46 AM
Thanks Ant7 Do you mind me asking how it was different in the early days? Did you start off having a lot of arguments?
I feel happy and supported more often than not, but during and after a fight not at all. It makes me feel so vulnerable and insecure in myself, and anxious about when it will happen next. Sometimes it can make me feel depressed and on edge for days afterwards and I'm starting to feel like its a strain on my mental health and affecting my work and social life. We don't have any other problems besides getting too upset over tiny disagreements. Its especially bad now because my partner has started saying he thinks we're not working and that we should break up during fights. He never says this when we are getting along so I recognise he is saying it out of anger/guilt/anxiety caused by our arguing and he always apologises for it afterwards saying he doesn't want that. We just can't seem to stop ourselves from getting to these states, and its happening like once a week. I feel like its not healthy, but at the same time I know all couples argue - so I guess I'm wondering how we are supposed to be arguing differently so it doesn't get to such an upsetting point.
14-06-2018 08:23 PM
@Emz Hi for me in the beginning it was great probably for the first 6 months honey moon period I guess. Then it was a few arguments here and there. Then it was more and it got frustrating.
At the time my partner was still living at home and was not getting on with her parents. I think it was she felt safe with me and she could sort of take it out on me maybe. When she left home it was good until we moved in together then there were fights over who should do what. But it didn’t last too long and we sorted out things you know.
anyway I hope that makes sense.
And I hope your doing well ❤️
14-06-2018 09:41 PM
interesting topic. I guess it will be different fir everyone. For me I'm a bit like @Ant7 I've been married 32 yrs and we both get along. We very rarely fight where we don't talk. We do a lot of things together eg coffees cafes , walks down the beach , drives, movies enjoy our new grand daughter. We have had our fights but the not talking doesn't last long.
Its a bit of give and take and be happy to be together. Enjoy each other's company.
Hope this helps
15-06-2018 12:02 PM - edited 15-06-2018 12:03 PM
I haven't had a chance yet to read the posts here, but my answer to your question of "what a healthy relationship looks like" - to me is founded on the basis of mutual respect, faithfulness, loyalty, honesty and caring about the welfare and happiness of each as much as one's own. Being there for each other not just in the good times but also in the dark. That's it in a nut shell.
The signs of a unhealthy one would be quite the opposite - disrespect, putting their needs first all the time without consideration of the other, putting the other down, belittling, bullying, lying, yelling, unfaithfulness, abuse of any kind and particularly where one is controlling and manipulating the other for attention and to get their needs fulfilled only. When one saids they will try but doesn't and uses the other. Selfishness, disrespect, self centredness, manipulation, mental, physical and emotional abuse - all signs of a toxic relationship. Hope that helps
19-06-2018 12:02 PM
Thank you that is all very helpful! Especially the list from you Enigma We do have all the good things you have listed and care deeply for each other - I guess we are still just learning how to communicate with each other under stress and are both very sensitive emotional people
29-06-2018 04:22 PM
how are you today, hope you and your husband are well
If you need urgent assistance, see Need help now
For mental health information, guidance and referrals, see the SANE Help Centre
SANE Forums is published by SANE Australia with funding from the Australian Government Department of Health
SANE Australia ABN 92006533606
PO Box 226 South Melbourne 3205 Australia