Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Gemima]

My son is 23 and has a beautiful girlfriend, she has endured a lot of emotional stress from my son and she has seen psychosis and epileptic seizures, I don't know how to help them they have broken up many times and got back together. I don't know how to explain to her that he has schizophrenia.
She asks is he ever gonna change and I respond this is how he is. She has big goals very career focused and money oriented.
My son mows lawns and that's probably all he will do for a long time. This is good for him because he gets lots of physical fitness all day he comes home exhausted and sleeps a lot. I don't know what to do. He has limited empathy which is related to his MI is egocentric but can also be very caring it is up and down. She is very confused and I don't know how to explain. I just don't know if he will ever have another girlfriend and I worry about his future . He has come so far from not leaving his room for 8 months 3 years ago to having a full time job. He still has social anxiety and some paranoia when he goes out. I think with schizophrenia a partner needs to have patience understanding be caring have a thick skin and be able to help the partner eg prompt to to take mess etc . I don't want to be that interfering mother either it's just difficult when dealing with the MI schizophrenia
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help??

[Appleblossom]

It is fantastic that your son is out and about productive and somewhat social.

Young men are often egocentric with low empathy .. sorry guys but ...

The girlfriend already realises your son experiences MH issues.  I doubt you have any more responsibility to her.  You may not know her weak spots as well as you know your sons.

She must have her own reasons in her own personal history and psyche for being attracted to him.

I knowingly took up with a man with schizophrenia, and although the marriage only lasted 16 years, and tho it ended up being horrible for me, I cant say I regret it.

I also am walking a fine line with my son and his relationships .. as I met her first .. at first I told him off a couple of times in front of her ... but then I realised she was taking advantage of my sympathy .. so had to even it up again ... 

All we can do is try and act with love and honesty .. if we can also add a little humilty and humour it helps.

This young girl was attracted to the relationship I had with my son .. as we had silly jokes and did a bit of a punch and judy mother and son act .. just as a way of passing the time ... and not always being D&M.

I also know another young couple who are oddly paired .. in that she has fantastic job and he does not .. but they complement each other well in other ways.  

They have to make their own futures .. with mistakes and successes.

It is truly a big feat for your son to be out & about.  celebrate that above all .. the relationships are up to them ..

I shocked my sons gf once .. and said in frustration .. why cant you go to the pub and sort it out like "normal" people ...she hates alcohol ..  she also knows I hate the concept of normal people ..and I had been very healing to her ... but I also did not want to be drawn in or blamed for their relationship issues ... 

Good Luck.

[Former-Member]

hello @Gemima

I am unable to provide much help but can let you know that I have read your words. You have explained your concerns and I have to say I would be feeling exactly the same as you if I were in that situation.

I have an adult son in his 30's diagnosed the same. He also has paranoia. He has left the state and only contacts his dad and lately myself once when in need of money. He hides contact details and where he is from us.

He is not receiving any medical help or medication. He believes that he is well. The voices are telling him to be wary of just about everyone. His paranoia has heightened since I spoke to him last in November last year.

Your son is taking medication and is managing to work and have a reasonable quality of life. This is inspiring to read and well done to him and yourself for both of you getting to where you are.

Does he have a regular psychiatrist treating him., checking his medication as well?

If this is the case, I am hoping that it is because he really does need to be monitored for medication adjustments and general questions of wellbeing. He would be regulating his own health in this way,  important for him.

Perhaps a visit with the psychiatrist with the three of you could be discussed first with the psychiatrist to get approval, then however the psychiatrist suggests discussing with your son and his girlfriend. Your son would need to hear from the psychiatrist that it is better to be open with his girlfriend re his condition.

honesty is paramount in any relationship and I am sure that your son would believe that too. He sounds lovely.

I dont know if any of that helps. Please know this, I feel for you and your son. I also feel such strong love. bonding between the two of you that most people in this world will never experience. Your son is a gift to this world and so is his beautiful mother who gave birth to him.

my heart goes out to you all and to all others in a similar situation.

please keep writing if it helps you

you are in a very safe place here.

One more thing are you a member of Carers Mental Health Australia. I hope so. If not look them up they have much to offer and you just make decisions yourself about which services, if any you choose to use.

I am off to hospital for a while on Tuesday, hopefully just a couple of weeks. I wont be able to respond whilst in there. I will look out for you when I return home. I will definitely be thinking of you and your son while I am in there. You have both given me some hope.

thanking you xxx

[Former-Member]

hello @Gemima @Appleblossom

I just had to say that you have heard from the lovely Appleblossom, who has much experience and wisdom.

Appleblossom, I saw this post and thought I dont know enough to respond, I did not want to leave Gemima without any response at all.

I found myself writing another storybook.

when I hit post , I saw your post. We were both responding at the same time. Another spiritual moment between us. We have had a few now.

love to you all xxx

[Gemima]

Thanks so much for this valuable feedback 😀@appleblossom

[Gemima]

Thanks so much for your wonderful words , I feel blessed everyday that my son is on the earth and I love him very much. You know that when you nearly lose someone that you dearly love ❤️ And I tell him everyday.He has come so far and I have learnt so much as a mum and as a human. I literally bless everyday with flowers on a plate from the neighbourhood gardens and incense and uplifting music everyday and this is how I greet my family every morning and I tell them I love them 😍 I've had my emotional breakdown anxiety for nearly a year (very bad) but I've reached the other side I look only forward
We treated my son with counselling at first which he hated but the thing that he said got him through the worst was mum and dad.
I hope only the best for you xx

[Lisa79]

Hi my names Lisa, I've just found this site. I'd heard of ARAFMI but didn't know of carer forums
I've been in a relationship with a 24 year old man with a diagnosis of schizophrenia and also bi polar for the past year and a half. I myself have a diagnosis of complex PTSD. As I'm a bit older than he is I've become able to function with my MI and start to care for him. I accepted I needed support from ARAFMI and he was ill. With my support
he moved out of home three months ago into a community care unit into his own unit. Since there he has adopted more of a regular routine in his personal hygiene. He has also been actively looking for work, has had one interview but decided to do a few courses and has now decided on pursuing his chosen career as a security guard. I'm very committed to him as he shows as much 'care' to me. We are planning on moving in together at the end of June, and even for the long term planning marriage and a baby. We have both found 12 Step programs useful to healing our mental health issues, as we became honest about our feelings in meetings and then with our doctors.
I know I was more accepting of my partners illness initially as I also had one, but it may be hard for others who attach the stigma of mental illness to people. The most wonderful thing I've learnt in my studies this year in Mental Health Peer Work is that recovery is possible and I'm determined to stay on doing this and try to be a positive example for my partner to continue also.

[Gemima]

OMG you sound like an amazing lady and you are an angel to have someone to care for so dearly, might heart beams with hope of hearing such a positive story, I wish you all the best in your future endeavours with your partner, thanks you have made my day

[Gemima]

I'd like to know what the 12 step program is I haven't heard of this before

[Gemima]

Thanks for your feedback i truly appreciate it