Topic Tuesday // How to support yourself while supporting others // Tues 18 June, 7pm AEST

[Shakeelah25]

Thanks @Former-Member 

Well, definitely if the person says no, or if you feel guilty for speaking to someone in an authoritative tone because you are not generally like that. But you were just pushed to your limits..

[Froggyhawk]

Sometimes if I get a call he's had a bad day, I might go and cook his favourite meal or something rather than talk and get involved in a discussion.  That usually works pretty well.

[eheadspace]

Learning how to set boundaries is really important so we can maintain our own recovery and mental wellbeing. But these boundaries have to feel OK for us. Whilst it doesn’t always feel easy to put in boundaries, when you are coming from a place of concern and love you are already half way there!

Chances are that by you just being here tonight interested in this topic means you are a loving diligent, respectful and caring friend/loved one so reminding yourself “I am enough” is a first step to set you up to being able to put boundaries in.

Some ideas I had when considering this question were :

• asking yourself, “ how much of myself am I willing/able to give today to my loved one/mate?” , “What spare energy do I have today to give to others? “
• Setting aside a specific time in your day or week to support your friend, sometimes i call this “planned worry time”
• If you find that you wake up feeling exhausted and needing to attend to your own mental health, you can let your loved one/mate know that today you are attending to your own needs but tomorrow you will give them a call to check in, you could even provide them with some counselling support numbers to contact for support as an alternative
• Maybe you could have an honest conversation with your friend and set a specific time each week to catch up, rather than your friend just coming to you at any time and you not being prepared or in the headspace for it.
• Recognising when you can’t help your friend alone and knowing when you need to involve a supportive adult or professional is vital!

Some other ideas that came from one of eheadspaces past group chat about supporting others (which may feel a little less taxing on our own mental health) include:

• Make a weekly time to ‘check in and chat’ with your friend
• Find different ways of communicating – think outside the box, e.g. communicating via social media like by tagging them in funny posts and messaging is great way to let them know you’re thinking of them
• Share interesting articles, pictures and stories instead 
• writing them a poem, drawing them something nice for them or sending some photographs of you both in an email or in the post.
• Watch a movie or a tv show together,
• Choose a new book to read at the same time.
• Send them a random text to let them know they are wonderful.

Small acts of kindness can really helpful to people struggling and also feel more manageable for yourself and your recovery journey.

[Sans911]

I think boundary setting is really important in supporting someone. It's about honesty and transparency. It's about saying I want to help and support you, but there may be times when that's not enough or possible & I would recommend a professional. I think it's important not to make promises you can't reach or that give false hope.

[eheadspace]

@Sans911  Nicely said! 

[Former-Member]

Very true, thank you for sharing this @Sans911 

[Sans911]

@eheadspace

Sometimes when I'm unable to give someone the support they need I do things like you've suggested. I send an inspirational message, meme, or picture with a short message. It's a nice way to say I'm thinking of you and take care

[Former-Member]

@Shakeelah25 

Yeah exactly, sometimes it helps to have loving compassion, takes a while to master though  

@eheadspace  had some great ideas, I really liked "Find different ways of communicating – think outside the box, e.g. communicating via social media like by tagging them in funny posts and messaging is great way to let them know you’re thinking of them"  Reminding our loved ones we are thinking of them, even if we are taking time for self-care

[eth]

@Former-Member @eheadspace  I'm all for structure and routine.  Sitting down together and working out what things each other need and what things are a want, not really a need.  Then negotiating and planning the essentials and seeing what spaces there are around them for the wants to fit into and the time out actually gets factored in as an essential.

I also think it's very important to be able to ask for help and support as a carer, whether it be from friends and family or professional help.  I know how much my immediate family's life has changed since I've had support workers 3 x per week.  And it's improved our relationships too.  I fought hard and eventually got NDIS funding which covers this.  But I know there's also a lot of support available from Carers Australia or your state Carers association.   Including respite options.  Respite is sooo important for full-time carers. 

[greenspace]

@eheadspace I like those ideas of different ways to be supportive besides listening to the anguish or trying to solve problems. Sending a message saying "I value your friendship, or watching a movie together, are things that work for me.