Topic Tuesday // Caring for the women in your life (daughter, sister, partner, mother) // 22 Aug, 7pm AEST

[Littletink_]

Hi @Former-Member
Yes you are right, there is no time and space out of my relationship. I am basically her life line at the moment and I don't seem to have time for anything else. It is okay with me because her and her health are my number one priority. Before I met my partner I myself was dealing with my own mental illness, I am doing a lot better now but sometimes I still struggle. But it's actually amazing how I just kick in to gear looking after someone else when I was so sick beforehand and could barely look after myself. We really do need time and space in our relationship because we are in each other's pockets 24/7 which I know is probably not a healthy thing but she's got no one else and it is hard to get her to go out and meet people without pushing her. I am currently trying to study at the moment but I just don't have the time to scratch myself most days I am always trying to keep her treatment and mental health on track

[Littletink_]

Yes I agree with you @Shaz51

We are barely ever apart but we are very close and don't seem to ever get to a point where we do need space from each other so we do okay

[Former-Member]

The other analogy that I think is important to remember is that we're not too disimilar to cars.  If you don't refill and service the car in your driveway then it's not going very far. 

Likewise, if we don't allow ourselves to be refueled - whether that's ten minutes peace in the sunshine, a quick beer with a friend, or time zoning out on the computer - we don't have the energy or patience for our carer roles.  We just run dry and that's not good for anyone.

So @Littletink_, @Determined, @Determined and @Shaz51 - what do you do to refuel?

Because looking after your relationship can't really be done if none of your own needs are being met.

[Determined]

The trouble for me @Former-Member is that when I emotionally disconnect, usually out of self preservation, it really sends my darling into a spin because she thinks I am giving up in her.  One of her biggest issues is fear of abandonment, when she thinks I am giving up she cant cope. 

[Shaz51]

We are barely ever apart but we are very close and don't seem to ever get to a point where we do need space from each other so we do okay ------- I am the same here @Littletink_

I find doing the little self care , like have a cuppa on the front step or sitting down together and watching movies or shows we tape

[Shaz51]

also I play word games on the computer ,

[Determined]

I had someone ask me that only this morning @Former-Member. Unfortunately I dont get too many opportunities to refuel and it shows. People are more often seeeing through the fake smile of late. I have used the analogy that my tank has beed running dry for so long the bottom has burned out, no matter what Indo to top it up now it all seems to run straight back out again .

[Littletink_]

@Former-Member @Shaz51 sometimes I watch my favourite TV Series or read/write or listen to music but other than that not much else. There have been a few times as of late where I have been a bit burnt out but I've gotten back on my feet somehow. As long as she's doing okay then I'm doing okay.

[Shaz51]

I know what you mean @Determined , I find getting the right balance is very hard @Littletink_, @Jacques, @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

It's about the sustainability of your situation @Determined and @Littletink_. 

Determined, you have clearly found a way to keep pushing beyond the empty tank but I wonder what the cost is?  We can definitely get to a point where those small guestures of giving back to ourselves no longer cut it.  Things have gone too far and our resilience has been used up.  

It's at that point that the load needs to be shared.  Well, ideally before then, but at this point there's not much choice before the consequences for your own health become too great.

You gave some really great advice to Littletink about getting help Determined.  Do you have a chance to draw on that in your own life too?