Hi everyone, @Sans911 (I didnt want to take over your thread and added abit extra to what we were talking about last night) I havent been able to get many words out and it has taken a while to make this post, It is really hard right about now and I guess things just keep pileing up before I have a chance to work on one thing at a time.
My work is getting low. Its both good and bad. Good because ill be able to rest abit more But It means my pay from that has dropped to a point where i question taking on the other 2 horses but i guess its still abit more in the pocket. The other is I worry that with abit of time to think ill drop even further. The expectations of some people are hard to live up to and the people pleaser side comes out. Really hard cycle to break.
Its really stressful with financial difficulties, its the reason i took on the second job and with that reducing to almost nothing its becoming even more stressful. I just had to pay rego as my car was due to run out in a few days so pretty much left with nothing now thats paid and the rest. I have just abit left over if i really need it and my savings are gone to the horses for one of their maintainance things.
My car 😞 not having alot of luck with that either. The service didnt help which means i need to take it to a mechanic and i really hope its not going to cost a bomb. Apparently if its what my suspicions and family mechanic person thinks it may equate to around $300-$400 but i hope not. I need to ring to see how much a mechanic will charge to just take a look at it. Stil need to replace one other part which isnt urgent and have been told in the near future will need some new breaks as well.
My hand is healing with movement but the pain in my wrist and hand can be almost unbearable. It brings tears sometimes (but not actually crying-not sure if that makes sense). It swells and goes hard like a rock and thats worrying me but I see the hand specialist in another week,It really isnt helping because pain is also part of my triggers it doesnt just have to be me it could be siblings or mum pop which is why i go into full panic mode when ones sick etc. Its stopping me from doing so much. I made 2 beds the other day and shouldve stopped at one but it feels so ridiculous its been nearly 4 months now and I can barely do anything with it.
I have an upcoming physical test and im putting it off for as long as possible, if it comes back not clear then I need to be refferred elsewhere and im s**t scared of that.
There is also something else ive been trying to do, however its proving more complicated than it first appeared. It was very simple to do but to reverse it is costs quite a lot for tests for 'evidence' etc.. however the worst part of that is....... I may need to contact my abuser somehow.
I cant go into details though. Im awaiting an email back to see if thats a requirement or if theres away out of it (I didnt say abuser in the email I said I didnt know how to contact them)
Ive been having a lot of dreams that arent pleasant, and some of them very strange but uncomfortable sorts of dreams. Most of these dreams are the physical ones where not only do I see whats happening but I also physically feel it.
Its hard trying to find support services, im hoping I can get into see a gp (preferable the one my reg gp reccomended) soon and also my pdoc. I cant remember if I told you guys or not but the clinic I contacted thats out of area replyed, they have me on a waiting list however they need to give people in the area first prority so far the wait list looks around 3 months (and since its free/low cost it could be longer).
im having a lot of suicidal thoughts and sometimes its hard to keep safe. Its worrying me that sometimes I feel so low that those thoughts dont even bother me as in im not scared of them. I feel so lost and have no clue what to do or where to start or anything. Really overloaded and overwhelmed by so much tha i tire even thinking about doing things. I feel all crumbly with the pressures of life and commitments but i cant seem to win no matter which path i take. Its even hard being here sometimes, I try to connect here the best I can, I love being here with my forum family, it also helps with my safety but its also really upsetting me that ive had to reduce the amount of threads im on and half the time ive no idea what to say. 'likes' dont seem enough because I want to be here for you guys just as much as your here for me. sometimes i just dont know what to do, do i stay talking, do i go offline, do i just hang in the background...
I guess thats abit of teary ramble but think it covers what I can for online, please dont be obliged to reply but will tag @Zoe7 @Snowie @Sans911 @Former-Member @Former-Member as you guys have asked and offerred....
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN