Lived Experience Forum

[Shaz51]

@Peri

[Former-Member]

Dear @Peri

I just read on my thread about your mother having passed away in Melbourne earlier.  I am so terribly sorry.  No wonder your feelings are all over the place.  Your adoptive Mum I read elsewhere had passed away some 13 years ago, and now your birth mother. I understand you became very close to your birth mother since reconnecting some time ago. That must be so hard for you, to not have been able to be there for her in her final days. I know you would have been there if at all possible, so I do hope you're not feeling any guilt for not having been there for the end.  I expect you will be processing lots of feelings right now, and possibly making plans or organising what you can.  Please do not concern yourself with me.  Its minor compared to what you are dealing with.

My kindest thoughts are with you during this awfully difficult time.  Giving you a big understanding encompassing hug. I think you need it right now.  Allow the tears to flow, my shoulder is yours.

Sherry 💕💕

[Appleblossom]

@Peri

Condolences for your uncle

[Peri]

Thank you very much

[Shaz51]

here for you @Peri xoxo

@Appleblossom, @Former-Member. @Zoe7

[Former-Member]

Dear @Peri

Just a fleeting visit because I wanted to check how you were doing.  Really hope you are coping okay right now.

I think of you often, and wish I could say something ... anything ... which may help or provide comfort during this time.

But there is little I, or anyone, can say.  But please know I care and that I am thinking of you.  Perhaps these pics sum up my thoughts best.

Sherry 💕

[Former-Member]

Dear @Peri.  I have been thinking of you and hoping you are okay.  I do not know if it will be possible for you to get to your mother's funeral, or indeed when that will be.  However, I expect the reasons for your inability to be there before, will also apply now.  I'm sorry its so difficult for you.  If you are unable to be there ... are you okay with that?  If by some chance you are able to get there ... I know that too will be very emotionally draining for you.  I hope you're okay, whichever the case is.

Kindest thoughts to you.

Sherry 🌹

[Peri]

Thank you @Former-Member,

I am ok.  Finding it hard to feel positive and keep motivated.. I feel flat.  I do not feel guilty about not being in Melbourne when she died.  As I did not grow as part of that family, I felt that I would leave it to them at the end too. I also adored my mum, adoptive, and spent a lot of time with he in her last months , was with her when she died and felt I did all I could for her.  To go through it a second time, I did not feel was really my place.

After my birth mother gave me up, she went on to quite quickly marry my father and they had three more daughters. They then divorced and each remarried and had four more children each.  My mother and her husband went to Melbourne with my three sisters and settled there and had their four children there.  My father remained here and had his family.

it is complicated isn’t it.  When I met my family the most surprising thing was finding three full sisters.  They have been a sheer delight, after. Getting over the shock of it all. One of them, the next in age to me died nearly ten years ago.  Her funeral ended up being a great stressor for my mother and step father and I agreed with all the reasons why.  My mother decided then and there that she was not going to have a funeral. And she donated her body to the University.  There not going to be a service of any sort.  But there will be a small and intimate gathering at her home at the end of January.  I am tossing up whether to go or not. I think that I will.  It will emotionally very draining.  The family are very musical and exceptional at it, so there could  be very moving  events. I don’t know that I can deal with it.  It is at these events that I am so aware that I did not grow up with my sisters.  While I would not swap my family, adoptive and childhood for anything there is still a residual sadness about it all, along with the fact that my parents married so quickly and had another daughter in just over 12 months. 

Your kind thoughts are so appreciated. 

Peri

[Former-Member]

Hi @Peri, lovely to see you around again.  I just noticed you post on my thread in response to @Shaz51.

How are you doing today?

Thank you for explaining the complicated family structure in your post here yesterday.

Your many different emotions surrounding your 'other' family, the one you did not grow up in, are understandable under the circumstances.  I am so pleased that you adored your adoptive Mum.  And also that you were able to spend time with her in her final months.  I feel sure she appreciated that, and you.  I have no doubt whatsoever that you did all you could to ease her into her afterlife, whatever her beliefs are.

And I can see why you felt it was not your place to spend time with your birth mother in her final weeks.  It makes sense. I feel sure your siblings who grew up with her as their lifelong Mum would have wanted to spend as much time as they could with her.  Thats not to say you would not have been appreciated too, but it is understandble and very thoughtful of you.

So ... as another kind and very wise person said to you recently ... allow yourself to feel whatever emotions present themselves. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel. All those emotions you are feeling right now are all very valid.  Work your way through them and then come out the other end with a greater understanding of self.

As for  the likely service to be held for your birth mother at the end of January ... you have time to decide, there is no great rush to make the decision.  If you go, go for the right reasons, not through a sense of obligation.  If you do go, I have no doubt it will be incredibly difficult for you and emotionally very draining.  Seeing two Mums pass, while you are still so young yourself, is most unfair.  Just out of interest .. are you musical as well?  

Thoughts are with you ... always.

Sherry 💕🤗🌼

[Caerulean]

Hi mate sorry to hear about your difficulties with mood. I have often experienced depression since mental health issues began about 20 years ago, including suicidal ideation, I'm struggling with this at the moment. I have my young son with me half time which helps a bit but fall in a whole the rest of the time. From experience with treatment I ve found that exercise and routine probably helps the most, and setting some simple realistic goals to help direct attention away from from death and hopelessness. Trying to maintain any friendships even if it is just brief contact is important too, isolation is the killer. Hope your feeling better soon.