Lived Experience Forum

[Patches59]

Having finally made the decision to call it quits on a friendship and completely walk away after having had my emotions bounced back and forth for majority of this year I feel hurt, lost, lonely and betrayed.

Things earlier this year started going in a circle of getting along well to picking fault with something to making me feel like 2nd class citizen to apologising to getting along well etc.

couple times when I tried to set boundaries or explain how I was feeling I was made to feel I was in the wrong.  Due to MH issues of this person I used to accept the apologies.  Eventually got to point I couldn’t anymore. Showing no respect for breakable, irreplaceable items of mine that were being temporarily kept at this persons home was my breaking point.

anyone else experienced similar?  Apart from trying to create space between this person and myself, including not contacting them, any suggestions what else I can try to do.  This person (person A) was already living in area I have recently moved to and now lives only few minutes drive from me with local shops being located between us

approx 2years of friendship gone with last message from person A solely blaming me for everything.  My only other friend in the state (person B) is friends with person A. Don’t know if I can trust this person B anymore due to her usually taking sides with person A.  Majority of me is relieved it’s over but part of me wants to contact person A to chat, to apologise for getting angry

apologies if this doesn’t make sense, not comfortable mentioning names

[Miss-wish]

Hi @Patches59, 

It sounds like you are putting your needs first, there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you are made to feel guilty for setting a boundary, that person A crosses and expects you to apologies  for. I have had this happen to me and it can be a cycle that is hard to break. You have to work out what is right for you. 

Herer to chat 🙂

[scruffypuffball]

@Patches59 @Miss-wish 

Yup went through similar with family, but instead of cutting ties with a couple of gormless twats, I cut ties with about 20 family abusive twats all at once, so like 20 trauma bonds that I needed to deal with.  I felt relieved and terrified at the same time as my "social support" fell away.  At times it felt like I was going to die and not make it.  At times I felt empowered as they abandoned me and it felt like the trash took itself out.

Dont confuse love with abuse.  I realised I was being played, stabbed in the back and manipulated the whole time.  What you describe was not a healthy relationship.  And abusive relationships always fail as they are not sustainable. You reach tipping points and leave them in the end which is the most natural thing to do.

Let me pick apart some of what you described:

"Things earlier this year started going in a circle of getting along well to picking fault with something to making me feel like 2nd class citizen to apologising to getting along well etc."

This ☝️ is called "intermittent reinforcement" where there is cruelty (ie invalidating you, forcing you to question your life choices, your identity, values, self worth), followed by temporary cessation of cruelty, treating you well, then badly again, then well.  The good times are there as currency to keep you in the abusive relationship.  The bad times make you doubt yourself to keep you compliant.  It is all about power.  And if that is the only way they can relate to you, you need to get out.

"couple times when I tried to set boundaries or explain how I was feeling I was made to feel I was in the wrong."

Yeah, boundaries will never be respected by toxic abusive people, as you are taking away something they benefit from - you being their punching bag.

"Showing no respect for breakable, irreplaceable items of mine that were being temporarily kept at this persons home was my breaking point."

Another sign you are in an abusive relationship is they damage or steal your personal belongings....

"but part of me wants to contact person A to chat, to apologise for getting angry"  

The fact you want to chat with them is the trauma bond.  You need closure.  You will never get closure from abusive people.  Closure in an abusive relationship is realising YOU DESERVE BETTER.

"My only other friend in the state (person B) is friends with person A. Don’t know if I can trust this person B anymore due to her usually taking sides with person A."

Trust your gut instinct.  Your gut knows best. Person B sounds like a "flying monkey" or an enabler.  Enabling the worse impulses of the worst kinds of people, they are as bad as abusers themselves.  Usually cut from the same cloth.  Stay away.

" Apart from trying to create space between this person and myself, including not contacting them, any suggestions what else I can try to do." Yeah: stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away,stay away, stay away,stay away, stay away,stay away, stay away,stay away, stay away,... Cut off all contact, communication, sever all social and emotional bonds you have with these people.  You are trying to heal from this abusive relationship you need people around you who support your recovery not people who sabotage that process.

Just a warning: they may try and contact you to re-establish contact, this is called "hoovering" like the vaccuum cleaner, they try to suck you back in as they miss the punching bag.  Do not reply, dont engage, do NOT apologise you have nothing to apologise for.  Over time you will get over this relationship.  Sit down, keep a diary of all the bad things that they did to you and when you feel the need to contact them read that diary and that feeling of needing to contact them will go away.

Finally...Surgeon General Warning:

The Truth About Codependency Recovery: Rosenberg's "Surgeon General Warning" - YouTube

As for how to deal with the trauma bond, Shahida Arabi has very helpful tips in this sensational interview:

The Intersection of Complex Trauma in Childhood & Toxic Relationships in Adults 10/24 by The Savvy S...

Go to Shahida Arabis facebook page, go see Dr Ramani's youtube channel, you will find a community of people who survived abusive narcissistic relationships and you will be validated there.  You wont feel alone.

[instagram and website removed by moderators due to potential anonymity breach]

[Patches59]

Thanks @scruffypuffball  I will have a look at those links.  I have joined one Facebook group, maybe not quite right one for me.  Discussions in the group all related to marital relationships.  At my most recent psychologist session toward the end she asked what was troubling me, said to her about person A and the psychologist mentioned trauma bonding, I had never heard of it before.  Another item to add to what feels like never ending list of trauma.

one positive thing to come out of this is I’ve reconnected with a cousin who lives about 45 minutes drive from me.  Had planned on visiting her for about 1 hr and ended up being about 5 hrs during which I felt comfortable to tell her about my MH plus having recently phone suicide prevention team.  I came home that night feeling so much better within myself and felt I had been heard and supported.

start of last month I moved to lifestyle village where people are friendly. Know I’m very lucky to have 3 lovely couples as my neighbours, 1 having already helped me with couple of things and has offered to help replant my front garden area.  Late last week I spent couple hours taking my frustration out by turning over compacted soil, tomorrow I have physio appointment as appears I’ve done some soft tissue injury in one leg

its a sad world we live in where people get a type of high from causing upset to others

[Dimity]

@Patches59 it sounds upsetting especially when you've just moved - often a time of changes. Are you able to seek connections in your new area and hopefully find new friends? Perhaps in a while it won't be so awkward if you run into person A again. 

[Patches59]

@Dimity  due to having joined couple of groups at the village I’ve started to meet people with whom in the future might find companionship on a general level.  Possibly going to take some time for me to consider letting any one get really close to me again, too raw at the moment to think about it.

moving plus everything that has recently happened with person A have triggered unresolved things from my past. 

[Dimity]

That's understandable @Patches59. But I'm really glad you're settling into the village and the groups. I'm just in ordinary suburbia and don't have the connections. 

[Patches59]

Just under 4 weeks no contact and out of the blue for 2 consecutive days and nights I had horrendous flashback nightmares, nightmares in which my mind changes who the perpetrator is from being the original perpetrator of verbal abuse (my dad) to person A and back again.

First day I curled up into emotional ball under blanket in the lounge with my cats all day and just cried.  Second day I woke after another night of only few hours sleep and was feeling angry that she could have done those things to me.  Took my anger and frustration out by putting together some flat pack furniture followed by moving boxes in my garage.

am back to running on adrenaline and getting 4 to 5 hours broken sleep each night during which I toss and turn, completely wrecking the bed.

today had appointment with new local dr for MH review during which I mentioned person A and that she attends same dr practice as me.  Dr asked name of person A and I told her to which reply included she (dr) is very familiar with person A and that she is very sorry to hear I have had any type of connection with person A.  Dr also said that, for my benefit, if at any stage I prefer to attend different local dr to discuss this with her and she will happily assist with locating a new local dr.

Im happy no longer having ant contact with person A.  Still feel nerves rising at thought of possibly being in same location as her eg supermarket.  Recently realised person A has had left me no longer ok about being touched or hugged.  She was big on giving hugs, hand on my shoulder etc for majority of the time.  Few months ago she stopped, even offering, to hug me and part of me knew I didn’t want her to touch me anymore.  Any one gives me a hug now I feel like I’m shaking inside and going to be physically sick.  Been that way for few months now, felt the same the lovely honest real estate agent gave me a hug as property moved through various stages of being sold.

[scruffypuffball]

@Patches59 hugs.  I can relate to everything you said.  Gawd it took me 20 years to not react to seeing my abusers in the same suburb as me.  That is your nervous system telling you "ick" this person is gross - thats a good sign.  Stay the course.  I learned the hard way sometimes growth is painful.

Im happy no longer having any contact with person A" - I love this line for you.  Sending blessings your way. ❣️