Lived Experience Forum

[Idkw4]

Hey, 

Lately, I have not been doing so well mentally. I have a long history of mental illness but recently I'm not sure what has been going on in my head. A few years ago I was in therapy for depression, I was addicted to SH and tried multiple times to commit suicide. I felt down all the time but I didn't hurt myself because of that, I hurt myself because I felt like a bad person, I felt lonely and the pain was a friend. I've been clean for nearly 2 years now and I don't feel depressed anymore, which should be great, but it isn't. 

I feel like I'm going insane, I have intense hallucinations and violent thoughts, recently I've noticed that I'm not alone mentally anymore, I'm not sure if I would say I have voices in my head but I hear someone, they never say anything helpful just talk down to me and are largely the source of my violent thoughts, but sometimes I can't tell if that voice is me or not. I struggle to empathise with people and I say things I know will hurt. I stay up all night but I feel so refreshed and overwhelmingly happy in the mornings. Not all of this is new, I've had hallucinations for years, I originally got into therapy when I threatened another person (I was about 12) and got sent to anger management. When I look back at how I was then, similar things happen now. Life gets too much and I snap, I get angry over nothing and hate people just being near me. I could go on for hours how much I hate people for just existing and how worthless some people are. The only reason I'm here is because I genuinely believe that if I went to an actual therapist they would send me to a psych ward or try and drug me up until I'm just a husk like everyone else (anti-depressants were bad enough, I don't really wanna try any other meds). Every day that goes by I get worse, I'm worried I'm going to hurt someone i care about if I keep going on like this but I don't know what to do. 

[Otter]

Hi @Idkw4 ,

Thanks heaps for joining the SANE Forums! I think you'll find there is so much love and care in our community and we are behind you and keen to support you through these tricky times.

I am feeling a bit concerned after reading your post, would it be helpful to check in with a helpline, like our helpline here at SANE, or Lifeline or SCBS for a chat, particularly one of the latter two or emergency services if your urges to hurt someone (or yourself) are very strong? These feelings can be tricky to manage and its important you are able to stay safe.

Hoping you are well, welcome to the boards and hope you get much good contact and enjoyment out of your visits here. 

Kindest regards,

Otter

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Idkw4 

That is great you have been clean from SH for 2 years.   I struggled with SH a lot too, but somehow I managed to make my new place SH free.  Time moves on and now it is 20 years later.

That said it sounds you are struggling with very intrusive and distressing thoughts feelings.  

I cant tell you what to do, but I do think learning and researching about voices and emotional health is worth while.  I hope others from the forum respond soon, but sometimes there are simply not that many people around.

[cloudcore]

Hi @Idkw4 ,

I hear your worry and fear around your thoughts, it sounds like they have really intensified recently. I also acknowledge your concerns around seeing a therapist. It must be awful and difficult to manage and decide next steps, and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. How are you feeling today?

If you are in need of someone to just talk to non-urgently, we do have counsellors you could speak to on the phone of via webchat at the SANE Help Centre. Would you find that helpful?

from cloudcore

[Owen45]

Yes, struggling 24/7 in isolation, but just gotta cope as best I can without help and assistance.

[RedHorse]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I can relate to your post and am sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment.
I have a history of depression and SH + too. Congratulations on being two years SH free!
It sounds like you are really struggling with the negative voices (which I also have) and the associated violent thoughts you are experiencing.
Perhaps you could get some relief by contacting one or more of the telephone helplines suggested in previous comments to talk your issues through? 
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you than today. Take care, RedHorse 🌹🐴