Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

I have another thread here that I started recently about ending the relationship I was in just recently. 

I'm really struggling with the ex. She wants to get back together and I do not want to. All the reasons I ended it have not changed. I'd just be going back to the same thing and she just doesn't seem to get it. I've told her numerous times it is over and I do not want to be in a relationship with her or anyone else. 

As usual it just goes unnoticed. It's like she tries to change my mind. I know she wasn't expecting me to end it. I know it came as a huge shock to her. I have explained all the reasons I ended it. I did that because it would give her insight instead of just leaving her dangling with no idea why I ended it. 

I'm focusing on getting well .entallu and physically. I can't get well in going back to a relationship that made a huge contribution to my emotional, physical and mental wellbeing. My heart got completely smashed and I was betrayed by her. 

I start therapy next week. I really need to talk about what I went through. My trust in the relationship was severed after the betrayal. When you don't have trust you have nothing. 

She wants to get back together and I don't. She doesn't seem to be hearing that at all. I'm not sure what else to do now  I don't see her at all or text/call her. 

I just don't what I should do from here. My heart is still trying to heal and going back is not how I resolve my issues. I'd be going back to everything as it was. I don't think she is getting the message that I just need to do me and my life for a while without the pressure to get back together or commit to a relationship. I don't want to be in one and I'm not in a good space in myself or my life to be in a relationship right now. I just cannot go there.

How can I get this message through to her so they sink in. My heart is hurting everyday. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Powderfinger ,

 Thank you for sharing. It's a tricky time, I can hear.

 After reading your post, I don't think anything you do will change her thinking. You can't change people, but you can change your reaction/feelings towards the situation.

I suggest focusing purely on yourself as part of self care and self preservation. I'm happy to hear you are having therapy. You are right - you do need to heal until you become strong enough again.

We are here to support you if you need anything.

BPDSurvivor

[Powderfinger]

@BPDSurvivor 

I hear what you are saying. I wish it was that simple. At this stage I'm still trying to build my strength up. It took any little bit of strength I had left in me to leave. It was a very traumatic day. 

To just put the boot in further, literally the only close and what I considered a good friend of mine, chose to let me go with no explanation. Unfriended me on Facebook and will not answer my messages. I didn't even get a goodbye or explanation. I assume it's because I said I can't be safe and remain friends with you if you are going to remain friends with my ex. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to say. I thought she would choose our friendship because it had been long standing, she only met my ex because I introduced her to them. They didn't know her well at all. 

I'm very hurt. I didn't need this on top of everything I already have on my plate to deal with. The consequences of domestic violence. I'm simply not strong enough to deal with anymore. I'm tired of feeling and dealing. I'm tired of trying to just get through everyday. Now, I literally have no friends left. 

[cloudcore]

Hi @Powderfinger ,

I hear your pain and confusion in dealing with the trauma of an abusive relationship and losing a valued friendship in the process. Having support is so important in the aftermath of any relationship breakdown, especially one involving domestic violence, and so I'm so sorry that you're experiencing all of this and feeling abandoned. Please know that you are not alone here.

It concerns me to hear you say you're not strong enough to deal with this anymore, are you feeling safe at the moment?

from cloudcore

[Powderfinger]

@cloudcore 

Thank you. Yes, I'm feeling safe. Thanks for asking. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hugs @Powderfinger ,

I really don't know what to say. I'm really sorry to hear how tough things are. 

In terms of friends, I don' think I have friends either. 

Can you define a 'friend'? What does having a 'friend' mean to you? (No obligation. You don't have to if you don't want to. I'm just interested.)

I'm here if you need a chat.

BPDSurvivor

[periwinklepixie]

I really resonate with how difficult this is @Powderfinger 

When I cut out my abusive family, I was surprised at how many people were uncomfortable with my boundaries of 'I don't feel fully comfortable with them staying in your life but if you insist, please do not share anything about me with them' 

I lost a lot of people this way. People had told me I had changed. And it was true. I had chnaged. But for the better. I finally respected myself enough to live the kind of life I deserve. Which sounds like exactly what you are moving towards! 

I know how hard it is to end relationships. And it is made even harder with the collateral damage of people taking sides. But for me, with the benefit if hindsight, when I reflect on the friendships I lost because they would not respect my choices and boundaries I actually feel kind of blessed to no longer have those people in my life. I know that doesn't change how painful this is right now but I hope it helps some.

Well done on some tough choices! 
- periwinklepixie

[Powderfinger]

@BPDSurvivor 

I really don't know how to define a friend anymore. I truly don't. My head and heart is such a mess after leaving. I just can't at this point. I've accepted her decision to do as she has done. I will not contact her for answers or to say goodbye. If what I had considered a good friend can just do that, best to let them go. I wish them well. 

[Powderfinger]

@periwinklepixie 

To be honest I'm too tired to even care anymore. I'm not holding on when others have let go. I listen to this often and it keeps me going. I have found it helpful and inspiring. 

https://youtu.be/CTPzXwNVc9g

I also have changed. The only thing for me is nobody is going to notice it because nobody ever really got to know me. Sometimes I find that hard because everyone has at least one person in their life that can see when a person has changed. Sometimes feel sad. I also walked away from my entire abusive family and have no contact. I've had a tremendous amount of loss in my life. 

Well done for making tough choices yourself. 

[frog]

Thanks for that YouTube link @Powderfinger 

I need to hear more from Madea!