Lived Experience Forum

[prisonersorange]

My partner and I are both autistic, and both have had our struggles with mental health in the past. My struggle is notably more present in both our lives at the moment. I'm what my psychologist labels as "affectively instable and dysphoric", meaning my mood can swing rapidly and wildly, and I'm not yet much good at controlling my emotions.

My partner "Rose" functions pretty well day-to-day, any noticeable difficulties can pretty easily be traced down to one of two things: overstimulation or a change of plan. I am good at facilitating an environment free of overwhelming stimuli, and can very easy understand and empathise when a situation is "too much" as it's usually too much for me as well. However I cannot facilitate her need to create and stick to a plan, and it is a real stressor on our relationship. Not only am I terribly indecisive, I decided years ago that my moods fluctuate too easily to even bother planning for something, as a plan could never include my unpredictable mood. I resigned myself to going with the flow (as much as someone as uptight as myself can) and tried to forget about plans and goals.

Then my darling Rose came along, and all of a sudden I've had to try and change that whole mindset. I'm never sure what level of change is going to upset her, and she finds it rather difficult to describe. My girlfriend's responses to stress can be very impulsive and reactionary -- she had a years-long problem with self harm and has a few suicide attempts under her belt -- and so something as simple as my unhurried leaving-the-house routine causing us to miss the bus is a cause for her to cry and hit her head and fume in silence for a great deal of the morning.

I feel as though I can't make decisions to benefit myself anymore if they go against "the plan". Today she became upset with me for leaving her house, even though i was hayfevered, dissociated, and in her way, but I know she would've also been upset if I'd stayed, as I wouldn't be following the plan of helping her clean.

How do I balance my girlfriend's need for structure with my need for flexibility?

[maddison]

Hello @prisonersorange 

Welcome to the forums😊

The question you pose is a difficult one indeed - as in my view, you have at least more than one issue you are attempting to address.

I will do my best in responding. Please understand that I am extremely limited regarding the intricacies of your life.

The first thought that came to mind when reading was, have you told your girlfriend all of this?

Is Rose aware that you do not have the capacity to fulfill her need for structure?

I don't mean to be blunt - however, we can only do what we can do. If she is upset by your inabilities -&- she is aware, then really, there is not much you can do, except perhaps try to gently support her as she accepts this.

The second thought I had when reading your post was....."men are from Mars, women are from Venus" so to speak.

In other words, perhaps it is not your lack of structure that is upsetting Rose. Perhaps there is a deeper issue going on here & the "structure/flexibility" conversation is merely what is being focused on?

I suspect, that Rose may be interpreting your slowed down approach, as a lack of commitment, or feeling uncared for, or that she is not important enough to you, for you make more effort?

Perhaps her demands are unreasonable?

I cannot guage that.

My suggestion might be to try & improve your relationship in other areas?

Personally, I think honest communication is wonderful. 

Maybe you can ask her what you could do, to make her feel more secure & loved. Agree to it only if you feel confident that you are capable of committing. Maybe you can promise to give her a hug, or text everyday? 

What could she do to make you feel important to her?

Hope this helps. xx

[Appleblossom]

@prisonersorange 

The dance of intimacy is not easy and I cannot claim to have much of a clue, but I respected your post a lot and think it deserves a few replies.

I really like @maddison 's thoughts.

So here is my attempt ...

The bridges that help break down aloneness seem alive in your struggles with mental health.  There is a lot of vulnerability both ways as well as maybe some strengths.  

Togetherness and time apart may need negotiation so you do not trigger each other reactively and can find the best way to get along.

I also like this quote: 

"But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

Khalil Gibran

It sounds like she values order and maybe you can offer her a form of freedom and you can learn from her structure a little ... we all have to give a little ... 

Wishing you both the best in your relationship.

[wellwellwellnez]

There's a great soldier saying about this "Plans are worthless, but planning is everything."

This revelation tends to challenge planning types at first but then they get it and they are very happy. Planning and flexibility combined create the ultimate planning. Contingency planning. The briefcase that contains even more briefcases. Your yin yang ingredients could be the makings of power-couple power.

[TuxedoCat]

hi there @prisonersorange Welcome to the forums! 

I'll start by saying that my partner and I are both autistic and I really relate to your post! I think it's so clear that you care a lot about Rose and your relationship. And it's understandably a difficult position to be in. Especially feeling as though you can't make your own decisions.  

Have you spoken much about it yet?

For me, I often have an idea in my head about how a day will go. When my partner and I started seeing each other, I would kinda just wake up and tell him the plan. He would feel quite overwhelmed by it. 

For us, my partner spoke to me about his need to have flexibility and his feelings that he was not able to contribute to plans. Some things which we did were

• He asks me in the morning (or weekly) what I'd like to achieve or what I'd like to do. Sometimes this is a long list!
• He then says what he would like to do or which of my "things" he'd like be a part of. And also which he doesn't want to do. We create a plan based on this which still allows me to get all my "things" done over the day
• We also have a small routine or ritual like having a coffee and breakfast together on weekends

It took me a little while to get used to this change, but overall, it's been useful for me co-create the plan together. Because I still get to do a lot of things I want to do together, and I get clarity on things I need to do alone. 

Not sure if that's useful?