Lived Experience Forum

[chibam]

I've been watching a lot of videos lately about how the problem with people today is that they don't have enough obligations/responsibilities. And it's been weighing heavy on me for several reasons, including some guilt and a lot of confusion.

It's a really easy idea to pervert, because it is so easy to bully a person who is already too heavily burdened and shame them into feeling that they ought to be taking on even more of a load; or to bully a person who has good reason to not put themselves out for somebody who has previously betrayed them; or to bully a person who can reliably predict that fulfilling an obligation will not be duely repaid.

Rationally, I think there's a good case to be made that sometimes a person has every right to not fulfill their "obligations", without having to endure any guilt or defamation for doing so. But then I can't help but wonder if that's a distorted viewpoint that only appeals to me because it just happens to be the most convienient one to hold.

I've got an unpleasant obligation coming up; and I need to either commit to doing it or abstaining from it soon. I was pressed about it again this afternoon.

I know there will be bitterness and defamation if I abstain from it; but then I suspect I will be treated virtually the same if I do it.

I've fulfilled these sorts of obligations before for these people and they've always mistreated me. I find it implausable, at this point, to think that fulfilling this obligation will have a happy ending. I mean I don't know, maybe the other people might get some kicks out of it; they might get some sort of ego boost out of knowing that they can push people like me around. But I am just so goddamned tired of marching to the drum of people like that.

So much of my life, my patience, my strength, my hope wasted fulfilling thankless obligations layed out by other people who had no respect for me. I did my goddamned best and it was never, ever enough.

I don't want to suffer through this new obligation. But I don't know; maybe I'm the asshole. Maybe I'm being selfish... lazy... irresponsible... pick your adjective. Maybe the right thing to do is to agree to it. Yet again. Maybe the right thing to do is to not care about how unpleasant it will be for me, and instead do what others want me to do (and that's a whole new kettle of fish, because I don't know what other people want me to do!)

I just don't know.

Is it fair/right to say "enough is enough! I've carried enough already!"?

I wish there was a way to get out of this mess that couldn't be blamed on me. Coronavirus came to my rescue the last time, but I doubt I'll be so lucky again.

[NatureLover]

@chibam  You say these people are abusive, and will probably mistreat you like before, if you do the obligation. 

I don't think we have to submit to anything that is abusive. 

For instance, I suffered 47 family Christmases that were toxic and abusive. Then about 5 years ago I said "enough". I no longer celebrate Christmas or go to the family Christmases. You'd think I'd have murdered someone, the way they reacted. They said things like "it's a time to see family, you have to be with loved ones" - well, no I don't, not if I'm treated that way. 

It was actually so freeing, and now I volunteer at Christmas instead. Without all that stress, dread and abuse. 

Good luck deciding about your obligation, @chibam ...

[Flotsam]

@chibam 

It sounds to me like an opportunity to treat yourself better. Do what you want, sometimes looking at our values helps us clarify what is best for us. 

what if you got a coin, tossed it and made the decision to do it, now, how do you feel? Now try the decision the other way, how does that feel? 

[chibam]

Thanks, @NatureLover , @Flotsam  🙂

@NatureLover  Your story about the Xmases particularly resonated with me, even though this obligation of mine isn't an Xmas ordeal. But it's more or less the same dillemma.

It feels like I've been dealt an unwinnable hand, but everybody else keeps acting like I haven't been dealt an unwinnable hand, and the fact that I have nothing good is all my own fault somehow; and I can't tell whether that's just gaslighting, or if there's any truth to it.

I want to get out of this miserable life of mine so, so badly. And if I still believed that things like this obligation were a route out of it, I would gladly dive in to it. But I've been cheated so many times before, trying to appease people. And each time, it dammages me a little more; takes a little more from me. It leaves me sicker then I was beforehand.

But then, when I don't live up to these obligations, I get haunted by the question of: "what if this was the one time when I could've met the right woman?" or "...made some helpful new connections?" and I missed it.

I just wish I had a way out. One that didn't involve all these cockamamie parlor games.

[NatureLover]

@chibam  It's quite a dilemma you have. Does @Flotsam 's suggestion help, of trying on each decision hypothetically? 

[chibam]

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@NatureLover wrote:

@chibam  It's quite a dilemma you have. Does @Flotsam 's suggestion help, of trying on each decision hypothetically? 

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The mere thought of going through with it... I guess you could call the emotion a mix between exhaustion, sickness and "Oh FFS!😠"

The though of abstaining is mostly one of relief, but also of a sliver of uneasiness, from that 0.05% of doubt that maybe my happy ending might just be there. What if I miss it?

To tell the truth though, my capacity for hope is just about dead.

Abstaining is definitely the easier choice. But easy doesn't mean right, does it?

On the flip side, difficult doesn't necessarily mean right, either, does it?

[Flotsam]

@chibam 

It can be a great act of self care to listen to your feelings. That is why we have them. I always find Jomo better than Fomo. Joy of missing out, versus fear of missing out. I have recently started to become aware of my limitations and what is good for my trauma recovery. I won’t deliberately put myself in harms way anymore. It is okay for you to have wants and needs and it is definitely okay to protect yourself. In fact you must protect your mental health as much as possible, just as much as your physical health. 

I completely opted out of xmas last year, it was actually very nice to do exactly what I wanted to.