Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

I know all here can only give what they got. I need someone to have straight talk with me. I've told a few people and most don't seem to bat an eyelid. That's cause they don't know how it feels to be me or have gone through what I have. 

This is very sensitive, traumatic, complex and very difficult for me to talk about. I need to though, I'm battling too much on my own. No one has really helped me yet and I'm waiting to start therapy. I feel so alone and I'm tired of advocating for myself and by myself. I have no strength left. I really don't. 

I was subjected to religious and satanic abuse as a child. I didn't like the church or the religion nor any religious topics.  As a child I had no choice but to be involved as the disgusting people called parents were part of it. There was religious abuse going on for me going on at home too. It was traumatic and very damaging and has continued on for me. Very hard to ever really recover fully from that happening. I'm still very affected by it today even though I've tried things to heal. It's not even easy. I feel that I will never fully heal. The disgusting people called parents I no longer have anything to do with and neither of them are in my life nor do I have any extended family. It's just me now. 

So, I am almost 42 now. I recently ended a relationship I was in with a woman. (Same sex and yes I'm gay) Have been for a long time. She knew a little, not all of what I expressed above in this post. Enough to know that what she chose to do would have serious repercussions for me. I don't believe she truly cares that it would. 

I received these text messages from her on the 26th August. 

I have something to tell you 

Later.

It's about the fallen angle Luc....fer

I'm sorry I held it from you 

I have been fighting for my life for 100 years 

And I will always be fighting against my brother Lucy 

Most known as Luc...fer

He is what he is but still my brother and untill I can take him home with me I am bound here, a promise I made to God. 

Im sorry 

He is my younger brother I call him little Lucien 

I'm sorry pls forgive me 

They were four different messages. 

At the time it happened, I pushed away what I was feeling or thinking. I've been trying to process this event and experience. I thought at the time that perhaps she had been affected badly by something like myself. Even though the relationship was finished, I still had a hard time letting go completely. I'm aware that I was in a highly abusive relationship, I am aware things weren't right and I never truly felt safe. It took me alot to break free. By ending the relationship it doesn't mean I was free. I was not free from the major harm and extensive damage caused. I was so very very confused, I was in a serious fog and also very tired physically and mentally. I was extremely close to taking my life. I went into suicide watch as I was not able to control my thoughts to end my life. All up I have had a friend stay with me for a month. My only friend and the truest friend I have had in a very long time. My guard is still up, even with my friend. I watch if I'm letting my guard down a bit too much because right now I can't afford to. I have to protect the very tiny bit of will I have left to live and of course I'm in a very vulnerable position. 

So, yes just that experience alone plagues me every single day. It's hard not to think about. I guess I'm trying to put it into some sort of perspective for myself because in my head, heart and soul it feels like torture. I also do not believe in this mythical evil creature. That's my right and my choice. It was part of my religious abuse I went through.  I don't know what to believe about it anymore. I definitely have reached the conclusion she is extremely mentally unwell. With what I do not know? I've also reached the devastating and sickening conclusion that there was a part of her that was aware of what she was saying and doing. Why she would do that to me, I have not worked out? I wish I knew so I could be helped to process it and move forward a bit more. I feel so stuck.  It feels complex and I'm still trying to deal with my feelings that can be hard to access and feel for me. I strongly feel that what she did was an act of cruelty. I can't just say to myself, oh she is mentally unwell. I can't just excuse what she did like that. It's not an excuse. I also have an inkling there is much more to what she did and I don't have the full picture yet. 

What I also found out is she watches that series on TV called Luc....fer. I've never watched it and don't care to watch it ever. I guess I'm correlating it with what I went through but still not able to solve this puzzle. 

Maybe, I'm not ready for the full picture because this has really tormented my mind and soul so much. Yet, she still maintains to this day she is in love with me, that she loves me and she doesn't want anyone else. I'm her forever. I feel sick really. 

I've changed my phone number. Delisted it. Blocked on all my forms of social media and emails. I also have video security at my home now. I still don't feel safe. I want to have like a whole new alias. I'm scared that I have not done all I can to protect myself technology wise. It's hard. After all anyone can make multiple accounts using different names and new email addresses. I just never really feel safe. I have NO communication at all with her. On one of my email addresses I have no option to block, only set up a rule to divert emails from her elsewhere. Last night, she emailed me a song. Just a song, that is it. A song by Michael Jackson - I just can't stop loving you. I know the lyrics. I don't want to ever hear that song in my life. 

So, I am waiting to start therapy. Suicide therapy to be exact. I don't want to approach and church about what happened, I don't want to talk about it on a spiritual level at all either. I don't have anyone I truly feel I can turn to, feel safe, heard, have compassion understanding and kindness shown to me. It's also so crazy, that most of the time I think who would believe me anyway. Thankfully I have the texts to prove what I'm saying is true. If it had just been verbal, then yes perhaps many would doubt I'm telling the truth. 

I've been trying to do some research to get some answers for me. I havn't had any success yet. I do not want to feel so tormented anymore. It's so hard to keep reminding myself too that when I think of a good moment between her and me that we had, I come back to this and other things she did and said and then I go back into confusion. It seemed those good moments were real, they were to me but I don't think they were real to her. 

Some of you here may be religious. No offence intended to you, however I have strong boundaries there with that because of what I have been through in my life. I respect your choices, yet just keep the religious beliefs you have to yourself. It will harm me greatly and I need that boundary respected for me. 

I hate her for what she did. As I said I think there was a part of her that was conscious of what she was doing. I'm still scared because I'm trying to hold onto my life when I really just don't want to. Living through this is just too much. I hate her. Ive lost so much because of her. I'm struggling to even see a future for me. 

This might also be a difficult topic for others. I'm even losing hope now that anyone is even going to care about this. I've actually lost alot of hope. When one loses hope, I know it's pretty much the end of many things. Been there before When I cut contact with my mother, I'd reached that place of no hope left. I still don't feel hope there. That was December 2019 and I've never heard from her except last year an email saying happy birthday but that's all. I didn't care that much about it because she ruined most of my birthday's to. Other than that she doesn't get in touch with me at all. 

So, yeah just losing hope and don't have any desire to try rekindle it. 

Moderators, I have numbers to call if need be before you ask and offer. 

Anyone that wants to suggest a hospital stay, I will just say no prior to that question. I just don't want to really be around people much with pressure to have to do anything at a certain time and to talk. Fine in my own home. 

I just want to know where to look online for something that I can read that may be able to give me some clues or answers as to what the hell is wrong with this sick individual and what the hell has even happened to me a result. If you don't understand something, how are you actually meant to deal with it? 

PF

[NatureLover]

@Powderfinger  - I'm sorry, you must have posted this at 2.30 in the morning, which means you aren't sleeping. 😞 Also, I want to tell you I also went through religious abuse. It was as an adult, and not nearly as bad as yours I think. It was enough to turn me secular...it also caused a 3-year nervous breakdown, which I spent in bed, and was lucky to survive.

I am just so sorry you suffered through this as a child. It sounds absolutely horrendous. 😞 

I am also sorry that your ex has written this to you...and keeps writing to you. It sounds sensible to block her, well done. 

Religious abuse can be particularly traumatic and lasting, I reckon. I've been fortunate in that I've been able to work through a lot of it in therapy. It took many years. I still have some deep fears regarding it though...I won't mention them as it could be triggering. But I also couldn't mention certain words, like you. Now I'm able to ignore the remaining fears mostly, they've shrunk enough to be able to do that, and I'm able to get on with my life, these days, as a secular person.

I agree that it was thoughtless and cruel of your ex to write those things to you, not that I understand them (I don't need to) but even to raise the topic. 

I can only hope that when you start therapy, you are able to articulate some of your trauma to the therapist slowly, over time, and get validation and some healing. I found that it was easier to write things down beforehand and get my therapist to read it. 

I am so sorry you have bad SI, by the sound of it...I want to reassure you it's possible to come back from this and actually be happy and able to move on. @Powderfinger 

[SJT63]

@Powderfinger  I will comment on this but I don't have time right now. I will say that this detailed post now puts into context other things you've been saying about your ex. Talk soon x

[periwinklepixie]

Hi @Powderfinger 

Firstly I want to say that is nothng short of courageous to share what you shared in this context. Knowing what I do about you I hope you don't mind me saying that I am proud of you for being so vulnerable. 

Secondly, great job setting boundaries and expectations around how you want others to respond on this post. Boundaries are really tough for anyone, but I imagine with everything you have been through they are even tougher. Great work! 

Last but not least, I am so sorry this interaction with your ex happened. I can't even begin to imagine how triggering it would have been to receive text messages with that kind of content considering your history, especially if she is aware of that history. Major ouch. That must have been a very intense feeling. Well done on riding the wave. 🙂

I think you are taking great steps to prioritise yourself and your wellbeing and I encourage you to keep trusting your instincts here (which I know can be hard when we have a traumatic past).

Suuppper impressed! 
- periwinklepixie 

[Powderfinger]

@NatureLover 

Yes, I have been having more difficulty than usual with my sleep. As a result if I need to sleep no matter what time it is, I go sleep. I do not like it though. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry you went through what you did. I can certainly understand the consequences that resulted for you because of it. I also respect your choice to be secular. 

I am never sure what to say about my childhood. I get very nervous and worried at the thought of going there in depth. I appreciate the empathy. 

I also do not knpw what to say about this experience she put me through. As mentioned she is completely blocked, except I cannot on one email address. Only make a rule to divert her emails so it is not there in my face when I open up my emails from that address. I have a separate work and personal email address. She never had my work one but she created a profile on a platform I use for work and got my work email address that way. She is blocked on that now. Yes, she is guilty of stalking me. Emails, different social media accounts and work platforms. Blocked her as much as I can. I don't want to hear from her. 

You are further ahead than I am, however you have done many years of extensive therapy. That would not have been easy either. I think no matter how much work one does, there will always be some fears to deal with at times. The difference here for me is that I am so debilitated by it that I do have issues living my life properly. 

Thank you for validating that yes it was thoughtless and very cruel. I know that for most people it would be hard to understand. 

I start therapy this afternoon. Suicide therapy program for three months with possible extension if needed. It is going to take a long time for me and I will possibly extend that three months. My doctor wants to see me weekly for now. 

Yesterday, I went to the police station. Not the first time. I had an appointment with the DV unit. I saw two police officers. One make and one female. They were very good. It is the first time since it all that I actually felt validated, supported and believed by professionals and anyone really. Of course besides on here at the forums. It was hard. I am going back on Friday morning and the police officers I saw are going to help me fill out the paperwork for a restraining order. I spoke to them again this morning. They wanted me to do it all on the same day, the restraining order application and go to court to have it heard. I told them this morning as much as I agree with them that this is urgent, I have to also make a choice for my very poor mental health right now. Doing it that way will put me in a very bad position mentally and I know I will not cope. I said I will come in on Friday, do the paperwork and submit my application to court, but I will not go to court till the Monday to have it heard. All of that already is alot for me to cope with. They are also going to come with me to court on the day of the hearing and they will be in the courtroom. That will definitely help me out alot. 

This morning I was in my backyard. There is a road not far from my backyard seperated by a fence and some land. I happened to be looking in that direction and she drove past in her car and was looking at my house. I know it was her because I know her car and I saw her wearing her work unifrom that I know well. I felt angry and powerless. I know she was finishing her work shift because I know her work schedule from when we were in a relationship. The thing is she doesn't need to go that way to get home. She is actually driving further away from her work to go past my house and go home the way she is choosing. The other way is much shorter for her to get home from her work. I know she is taking that route on purpose so she can drive past my house to see what is going on. She has done it before. I have evidence of that. I don't like that she does it. I barely go out because I am too scared that I will see her. I live in a small regional town where it is much mroe possible as opposed to living in a greater metropolitan area. I am 4 hours away from any greater metropolitan area to give you an idea. 

I appreciate your reassurance. I am sorry I cant yet quite believe it. 

PF

[Powderfinger]

@SJT63 I look forward to you commenting on my post when you do have time. Thank you. 

[Appleblossom]

@Powderfinger 

I really appreciate your opening sentence in your opening post.  Yes we can only give what we have got.

I am glad you are getting therapy finally.

I cant help a lot, but to say I had religious abuse in childhood but it was probably mild in comparison what you may have experienced. The nature of religion is very sweeping tho and effects many parts of us growing up. Things that helped me were learning meditation for calming thoughts, learning about attachment separate from religious concepts and other therapies, including Jungian ideas archetypes.  Over the years I have seen a rise in interest and mention of things Satanic.  I am surprised as I thought it was more historical, but it is sadly very present in current times. 

I separate spirituality from religion, but am only partially reconciled with it all.

Keep reaching out and I hope others can contribute.

Apple

[NatureLover]

@Powderfinger  thank you for your empathy and kind words.

Well done for staggering the things you need to do to get the restraining order onto different days, so it's not overwhelming.

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@Powderfinger wrote:

I start therapy this afternoon. Suicide therapy program for three months with possible extension if needed. It is going to take a long time for me and I will possibly extend that three months. My doctor wants to see me weekly for now. 

---

I'm glad you are starting this...I hope it will be helpful. Am also glad you are able to go weekly, as that's not always possible. I understand that it will be hard to talk about your abusive childhood. 😞

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@Powderfinger wrote:

I appreciate your reassurance. I am sorry I cant yet quite believe it. 

---

I understand, and it's OK. When it happened to me, I also couldn't see a way forward, and was suicidal. Thankfully I haven't been suicidal now for 13 years. I'm hoping that you also will find hope and can rebuild your life. Sending you lots of good wishes, @Powderfinger . 

[Powderfinger]

@periwinklepixie 

Thank you for your post. I learnt more about boundaries through the recent week long topic on boundaries here on Sane. I feel more comfortable setting boundaries now. I've been setting them all over the place. It is like a whole new world at 41 years of age. I never understood boundaries really nor what they even were. Nobody taught me. I'm glad to know about them now and what they mean. 

Thank you for the compliments. I'm not very proud of me yet, I understand why though. 

As for the thing, there are many times I just can't even talk about her, pending on how I'm feeling in the moment. I had my first session today and I expressed alot of anger. Not long been home, do time for some rest. 

PF

[AussieRecharger]

@Powderfinger 

Thanks for sharing and I get the feeling that would have been a lot to express, so i am truly grateful that you found the strength to let it all out. 

After reading all of that, i just wanted to ask what you feel is the most important thing for you to deal with right now, is it the rawness of the relationship, is it that you need to talk to someone about your childhood or do you just to take your story and tell it in the most powerful and meaningful way to you?  

I feel by posting here today, you have taken a step in having power over what happened to you, you now own the right to tell the story and you no longer have to fear that bad things happened. 

Do you feel the same?