Lived Experience Forum

[AVM]

Hello I'm new here and I've come looking for a way to reach out for understanding. 

I have ASD that went unknown until my 40s and I've spent my life lonely and unable to make lasting friendships. 

I was married for 13 years but we weren't really compatible, although he was a kind man who loved me. Since then I've been single for 7 years except for 1 damaging relationship with an emotionally abusive man. 

After that I had very dark years and was completely alone. I've heard that chronic loneliness is dangerous to your health and damages the brain. I've certainly experienced brain fog, memory loss and constant lethargy.

Last year I moved to a new town and made new friends. I thought all my Christmases had come at once. I was overjoyed and went out partying with them,  drinking way too much and having a great time. 

However, something happened earlier this year that triggered anxiety attacks that lasted about a month and when I tried to reach out to my friends they simply rejected my calls for help. Now we're barely acquaintances and every day I battle depression and anxiety knowing I'm alone and there's no one to help.  My anxiety has been particularly bad now that the party season is in full swing and I don't have friends. 

I just recently learned about the trauma response (like fight/flight) called Attach/Cry for help and I realised that's what I keep attempting/wanting/needing but there's no one to help. 

Even my own mother told me "I'm not sure I'm the right person to talk to about this."

I'm going to talk to my new psychologist about this and we're going to do EMDR, but honestly I'm so scared that no one can help me because I'm in my 40s and I'm so alone. It feels like I'll be alone until I'm no longer alive. To be honest, my children are the only reason I'm here. 

I don't want to keep feeling so disconnected and unseen.

So that's why I joined these forums. I hope we can all feel seen and heard here. 

[tyme]

Hey @AVM ,

Welcome to the forums! Great to have you with us. Thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds like you have reflected on your life and there are things you want to change for the better. Is that right to say?

I hear you and have been in a similar place when it comes to battling that trauma response. The pain is so real and it makes one just want to reach out. Then, BAM! When you reach out, the person tells you they aren't the person you should be talking to. This was a real kick in the guts for me when I reached out to my sister. So pretty much said, "Don't talk to me about it. I'm not your therapist."

I was upset at first, but then I realised that she needed to protect herself as well. 

Since then, I don't talk to her about my mental health. Instead, I talk to external coaches, therapists and mentors. And yes, it has hurt that I can't share it with people close to me, but at the same time, I respect that.

As part of my recovery, I used these forums to connect with others. People had the choice to respond to me or not. I certainly benefited from SANE forums, and that's why I'm here today.

By connecting with others, I hope you also feel that deep sense of care and belonging.

You deserve it 🙂

See you around!

[AVM]

thank you for replying.

It sounds like you have reflected on your life and there are things you want to change for the better. Is that right to say?

I would like to have stable friendships that understand and accept that I'm mentally ill. It's not something I know how to change because my whole life I've been alone. So I guess what I would like is to not care.

The pain is so real and it makes one just want to reach out. Then, BAM! When you reach out, the person tells you they aren't the person you should be talking to. 

The rhetoric has been to ask for help when you need it. Everything tells us to reach out to friends and family. On RUOK day everyone pretends to suddenly care about mental health and every time someone ends their life people say "we didn't know. Why didn't they reach out?" But it turns out it's all a lie. There are very very few people you can actually reach out to.  

I have a friend who lives 800km away who has spent hours talking with me when I've been on the brink. There is one other person I can talk to. But I can't lump my mental illness on them all the time so I just end up shutting myself off and not leaving the house for long extended periods of my life. 

I do understand people need to protect themselves, but it's just so disappointing when you think someone is a very close friend only to learn they only like you when you're happy. 

[tyme]

Definitely agree with you @AVM .

I've also found that people tell you not to talk to them about your mental health because they actually don't know what to do. They are fearful and hence pushing you onto someone else seems the most reasonable idea.

To be honest, this is how I comfort myself. I think back to my pre-MH days. If people approached me and wanted comfort, support or advice about their MH, I'd really struggle. I simply do not have the confidence that I'm saying or doing the right thing. I can tell them I'm standing with them and listening, but apart from that, I'd be full of dread, worry and concern.

Only because I've struggled with my own mental health for over 15 years am I then able to say that MH exists. Otherwise, I think i'd be very ignorant and uncaring.

These are only my thoughts based on my experience.

Please know I am not invalidating you in any way. 

I'd be interested to hear what you think.

[AVM]

I think you're right that most people do not know how to help someone with mental illness. When the truth is I don't want anyone to fix the problem, I just want people to understand I'm not well and to just ask me "how are you doing today?"

I don't know what to do about my situation. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm so exhausted my vision is blurry. I feel an unending need for companionship just to sit beside me, but there's nothing there. I feel like everything is a mirage.

Maybe my perception is very biased and faulty but I feel like I was always the one person people came to to talk to, that I was there for them. Even now I have a very old work mate from Japan who I haven't seen in over 15 years who messages me and who I talk with about his own anxiety.

So it just sucks and HURTS like hell that people aren't there when my life fell to pieces and my metal health died.

[tyme]

I'm so sorry to hear that people are not there when you need them @AVM . It is understandable that it hurts so much.

I hope you find connection here on the forums and people who will listen to you because you certainly deserve it.

We are here for you. 

[Flotsam]

@AVM 

I hope you get some relief soon. I have done a fair bit of EMDR and it was very helpful. BUT you may really need safety and stability while you go through it. Think through all the things that you like, all the self care things that actually feel like self care for you. I was 53 before I started understanding and getting treatment, so you are well ahead of me. 

Have you thought about joining an interest group, something you like, a friend of mine loves all day hiking, I would hate that, I like training my dog and art stuff, so I keep an eye out for workshops to meet new people in a less social way.