Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

Writing a letter to an abuser is a big topic with many angles. I'm going to go along the lines of healing as a purpose of writing a letter. Healing, taking power back, being in control of your life. Many sites online say not to send it. Some people have written their personal stories of sending the letter or actually giving it to the person. I believe there is no wrong or right. It should be up to the victim and survivor. 

I'm writing about this because I've been thinking about going through this process myself. It's a big decision. I think I'm going to go ahead with it at this stage. I want to make it clear that this is not intended to be healing for the abuser, it is intended to be healing for me. It is intended to provide my own closure. No one will ever get closure from an abuser. It simply doesn't happen. You need to find your own closure, your own peace, your own power and get back in control of your life. 

My letter will not be about seeking an apology. My letter will not be about waiting for the abuser to take responsibility. My letter will not be about wanting or needing a response. My letter will not be about telling the abuser about my suffering, my pain, my hurt, all the things she did nor will it be about being her victim. My letter will be about telling my truth how it is. Telling my truth about the abuser. Telling my truth that she made the choices to abuse me, control .me, manipulate me, use me and treat me badly. 

I will be telling my truth of who I believe and know of who she really is instead of the facade she painted. 

I had to deal with feeling like a terrible person for the things I will be saying. I have dealt with that. I'm not a terrible person for writing a letter to an abuser. It doesn't make me a bad person. What it makes me is a survivor. 

What are your thoughts about this? 

PF

[Bow]

I think there can be a lot of healing and freedom in writing a letter to our abusers @Powderfinger  and it's not necessary to even give it to them. I did it once, was never able to give it to him cause he is dead, but I did do something else symbolic. If you think it would be helpful even if just to fry everything out on paper 'to them', then it can't hurt. Be prepared for it to bring up a lot of emotions though.... do you see a therapist? Maybe something to discuss? 
All the best

[BlueBay]

hi @Powderfinger 
I actually wrote a letter to one of my three abusers - my uncle 

I wrote the letter and then I took it outside and burnt it. 
He passed away before my memories of childhood abuse came out. 

the one that I would like to write to is my brother (abuser) but that's a lot harder. 

I think what you're doing is good. And yes you're a survivor not a bad person. 
good luck xxx

[Oaktree]

Hi @Powderfinger @BlueBay @Bow 

I think writing a letter is a great way to get the emotions out of you and start to make sense of it all. I am going through a similar thing and I sent messages to my abuser through messenger to ask for some clarity but got no response. I might try writing a letter and then burning it. Apparantly my abuser is pretty out of it on drugs these days so I don't think I will get anything useful from them anyway even if I was to get it to him. Good luck with your healing journey. I wish you all the best.

[Oaktree]

Hey @Powderfinger 

I have taken up the suggestion and started writing the letter. Only in my case there was more than one abuser so I am just writing a little part to each of them. It is hard to put all my feelings down in one place. I don't really know how I feel. In some ways I feel partly responsible for what happened with one of my abusers because I went along with the abuse. I didn't know it was wrong or even what it was when it was suggested. I was just a very young kid.

[BlueBay]

Hugs @Oaktree 

I understand what you're saying. I blame myself too for my childhood abuse. 
but it's not our fault. You were young as I was too. 
Take care xxxxooo

[Oaktree]

Hi @BlueBay 

Thanks for saying that. I was only 9 years old. Way too young to know what was happening. Not even old enough to cross the road on my own. Weird how we blame ourselves. I guess it's normal. I can't control anyone other than myself. My psychologist told me the other day how it's never the victims fault but a little part of me didn't agree with her. I wish I could find a way to forgive myself and move on.

[BlueBay]

Omg @Oaktree  I was the same age. From 9-12 yrs old I was se sully abused by three different people (neighbour, uncle snd brother) 

I hope sessions with your psychologist are helping. Xxxxx

[Oaktree]

Oh @BlueBay I am so sorry for your experience.

I think it's easy for predators to pick targets that are vulnerable to abuse. 

In my case I was a very naive and trusting kid and I was too scared to speak up about the abuse. I don't think my Mother would have believed me if I had told her anyway. I had two different sexual abusers. My brother and my Mother's boyfriend. I feel like she failed to protect me.

[BlueBay]

I was like you @Oaktree  naive and very sensitive. I was only 9. I did what I was told. 
I have to go now but I will be back tomorrow with more of my story. Xxxx