I'm in a nest

[CheerBear]

Hi in the nest. I've skimmed through notifications but can't reply this afternoon.

The bug thing that has been knocking me around for the last few days really hurt me last night and has continued to do so throughout the day. I'm struggling with my breath and am having coughing fits that are making me sick. I tried to get in to my Dr sooner than the end of next week when I have an appt for something else, but they're all booked until mid Jan 😞 I tried to find a random one but left it too late with LF to pick up, and the idea of dragging myself to an appointment let alone myself and them, is more than I can handle right now. I'll have to suck it up tonight and go tomorrow.

I'm exhausted and feeling like this is maybe a bit too much for one me plus three (it isn't, it just feels like it is). I feel unnerved because I know we are away from people who could help if I really needed them. The giant "this sucks, it isn't supposed to be like this, it's not fair, this shouldn't have happened, I miss everyone" feelings accompany that realisation, and I feel like I have to fight not to crash in the sadness and hurt. I feel pretty alone right now.

It'll be ok but it just sucks tonight. 3 hours until bed - yay. Hope it's been an ok day for anyone reading.

[Maggie]

I'm sorry you feel alone, and I'm sorry you are unwell. It's ok to feel sad, it's actually ok to feel, something I had to learn, it's ok to feel exactly what you are feeling and that's important, just what you are feeling. I'm listening and hearing, though it hurts to know the sadness is there, how can it be different from all you are going through. 

Lemon with honey can be good for a cough if you have any and can be bothered. A comforting soft rug might help atm. I left some flowers at your non birthday party, I'm re delivering them today.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @CheerBear,

I have been missing you today...which is kind of odd since you are always here even when you aren't.

I am sad that you are so sick at the moment. I super hope you get better soon. I can't imagine how hard it must be, being sick and still needing to tend to three LF. I hope you are able to have a super good night's sleep and that the bug will have moved on by tomorrow.

[CheerBear]

Thank you for coming past last night @Maggie and @Phoenix_Rising.

@Maggie, I had honey and lemon tea. You can't tell my mum that I did that because it is something she would have suggested and I would have yeah-but-nah-ed at. I read your post and went to the garden to the lemon tree that never stops producing perfect lemons and used the last of the honey from the cupboard (there's a clown fish that is not going to be happy come toast time today but oh well) and it felt so good. I sat with my blanket and tea in my sads and it helped. Thank you Maggie.

@Phoenix_Rising I miss you huge lots when I am not here and when you are not here, even though we are always here even when we are not. I am hugely struggling with this time last year stuff on top of the sick stuff. Both are feeding in to each other and it is making things feel seriously hard. I feel trapped in my mind right now. I don't know why I am having trouble getting it out here but I am. I am talking it through with you in my head a lot, knowing you get it without needing to know. I wish you were here, here though. This will pass right? It will change. Brains are not designed to be stuck like this forever yeah? Thank you for getting it even without knowing.

Trauma heads are so tricky 😞

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @CheerBear,

I super wish I was there too. Actually, I super wish YOU were HERE because I truly think that TTT is someone who can fix broken brains. If she is, then I can see that I am going to struggle with the fact that I can't clone her and send a copy to you and @Former-Member and so many others in Forum Land who need someone who really and truly gets it. Good mental health professionals are SO few and far between. If TTT turns out to be one of the good ones, then I know that it is partly luck (and partly the fact that I kept trying again and again after every failed attempt) that I found her. It shouldn't be like that. Finding a good therapist should not be like hunting for a needle in a haystack!!!

I super hope your sickness gets better super soon @CheerBear so that you are in a better space to cope with the trickyness of this time of year. I'm glad you can talk out your muddle to me in your head. I can hear you.  

Brains definitely don't stay stuck forever @CheerBear. I STILL haven't opened the DBT manual, but I super hope to soon. I feel a bazillion times better today with NikNik home and me having had such a positive conversation with TTT. There have been a few times over the past couple of weeks where it was looking very questionable as to whether I would live long enough to speak to TTT. Once again I have proven that we simply do not know what the next day will bring, and that is why keeping on keeping on is a wise choice. 

Your current stuckness will definitely pass @CheerBear. And until it does, I will sit here stuck in the mud with you. You've got this! 

[Sans911]

@CheerBear - hugs. I hope these troubles will leave you soon, and have you feel better physically & mentally.

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Phoenix_Rising for sitting in the mud and for getting. And for being someone I can talk to without needing to talk - that's the coolest trick ever.

I'm so SO happy for you that TTT went so well yesterday. I was thinking of you lots throughout yesterday. I had a great get it person and often wanted to clone her and give her to you and @Former-Member and so many in forumland. I miss her a lot right now. But, they are out there as you know and I know and all the other people who have or have had one they work with or have been in contact with, know. The idea of hunting is for soon but not right now, as I am sure you understand as well as anyone. I will call my psych today and see if we can move an appointment closer. They're definitely a helpful someone and I am lucky to have them. I felt so excited to read about TTT. So awesome and so well done to you on riding it out. I am also really glad you feel better today knowing NikNik is home. Just quietly, I actually cried with relief at that one yesterday (granted Every. Single. Thing. made me cry yesterday, but it was a good feeling).

Brains might be annoying and being in stuck might be annoying, but it will pass. I hope today stays feeling better for you.

[CheerBear]

Thanks @Sans911. Appreciate you popping past too ☺

I've just come back from a Dr appointment where I was told that what is happening is asthma caused by a virus and that if I need any more of my inhaler than I am already using, to go to the hospital as things don't look/sound so great. I asked how I could do that plus three and was told to find a way as it would be better than being unconscious on the floor at home, plus three. Hello giant unnerving alone-ness. But she had a point and I can see that.

I guess the sofa eating me practice emergency run we had the other week was good timing 😉 And the fact that I can still find that to laugh about is a good sign too.

Big ugh and grrr. This really does suck. I have jitters from the inhaler, shakes from the head mash that's happening (both of which feel like buzzy must move-ness), but I am firmly planted unable to do a huge amount to un-plant myself without running the risk that breathing will get harder. Maybe it is a good excuse to play Animal Crossing and make a blanket, which is probably how I am going to spend the rest of my day now.

Hope there's good in today for anyone reading.

[Sans911]

@CheerBear please do what's needed to take care of you. You are too important to NOT be around.

[CheerBear]

I will @Sans911, I always do (just maybe with some cursing and ranting and hating being an adult and stuff, but I will). Thanks 😊