I'm in a nest

[frog]

Hello @Former-Member @CheerBear you both write so well. What you say helps me. I can recognize some of what you're going through in myself and it heIps me to feel less alone. Thank you. I feel like I can't write at the moment. I just want to cry and nothing comes. I want to stay in the nest today but I have to go to work and pretend. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

[CheerBear]

Hey @frog ☺ It's great to hear that the forum is helping you feel less alone. It's ok not to be able to write right now (or anytime). If you want to there are so many great listeners around.

Really hard to feel like crying but having nothing come out and it's also really hard to pretend too. I hope your day at work is ok or has some ok moments. Will be thinking of you.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Oooh @CheerBear We seem to be here together but not in real time. 

How are you feeling this morning? I super hope you are feeling a bit better.

I definitely agree with what you said to @Former-Member about uncertainty being such a massive issue. I know this is very much the case for me! I truly think that if I can just get some stability in my life (which for me means connecting with TTT and having a sense that she's got my back), then things could turn around relatively quickly. 

That is why the Tsunami hit so hard in Forum Land - suddenly the one safe predictable place was all topsy turvey.  I am so very very VERY glad that NikNik is home and we can start unmuddling the muddle now. 

I was awake only an hour after you this morning.  I super like the quietness of the early morning. I think you've said before that any time starting with 4 is ok. I agree. Times starting with 3 are definitely less desirable!

I super hope everyone has some good in their day today. @CheerBear @Former-Member @frog and anyone else in the nest this morning. 

[CheerBear]

Hello and yay for being here together but not in real time @Phoenix_Rising ☺

I'm not feeling totally amazingly great, but maybe a tiny little better. A tricky struggle is that feeling knocked about by sick takes away heaps of get through it things I do and with shaky sads happening, it's not great timing. 3 something is also not great especially come later in the day but there's little I can do about it. I've got lingering tears which will be tired tears as well, but they don't feel as sinking drowning as they did the other day. I like that you like the early mornings also ☺

TTT is sounding seriously promising and I can very much relate to the safety that comes with stability, connection, trust (got your back) etc. Random question but do you know what TTT looks like? I think it's funny to hear a voice on the phone and then see how far off I am from it.

That tsunami has been really quite hard. Topsy turvy - absolutely.

Better brave the shops before I fall asleep in the parking lot of them. Hope your morning/day has bright about it ☺

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @CheerBear,

I am super glad that you are feeling a tinsy tiny bit better. That makes it highly probable that tomorrow you will feel a tinsy tiny bit better again. And tomorrow is only 14.5 hours away - yay for not living on Venus!!! 

I have seen pictures of TTT on google, but I don't know how recent they are. I should have asked her because I have the google pictures in my brain and if she has had a radical change in hairstyle or something then that is definitely going to throw me.  She is quite young. The reason I initially felt she would be a good match was because based on googling her, I discovered that she has worked a lot with kids in out of home care. This suggested to me that she would have a super strong understanding of complex trauma and attachment-related issues. After speaking with her, I am feeling even more confident that I was right in thinking she would be a good match.

Do you want to know a secret? TTT was actually supposed to be therapist-take-eight. I first found her after therapist-take-seven dumped me around this time last year. Therapist-take-seven contacted the practice and was told that yes, J was taking clients and she would see me. Then there was massive confusion because when I called, I was told "no" because J was taking 3 months leave early this year. This whole situation precipitated the crisis that ultimately led to therapist-take-seven getting me locked up in the psych ward and then dumping me the next day. This is also when my awesome GP (who hadn't even at that point officially become a fully fledged GP) became the one person keeping me alive. I was the first suicidal patient she had dealt with. Suffice to say the past 12 months have been a steep learning curve for her.  And guess what? That whole confusion of last year was due to the same peanut practice manager who caused the muddle this time around!!!!! She had said "yes" but then the owner of the practice said "no" because she realised how muddled my muddle was and how unhelpful it would be for me to start with J and then have her disappear for three months. As it turned out, that would have been less damaging than all the chaos that therapists 8, 9 (that was A), 10, and 11 created!!!!! So yep, I am VERY much looking forward to FINALLY starting with TTT. 

[CheerBear]

Far out that is a big muddle @Phoenix_Rising. I think the mindset that you mentioned having earlier about how the practice manager's peanut-ness is not a reflection on TTT (will she be TTT or J? I know you asked this question yesterday but I don't think we came up with an answer), has been really helpful. Though it is such a grrrr that the whole situation happened (and that is such an understatement).

When you mentioned TTT/J's office additions I did think that perhaps she had worked with kids in some way. Same with my lifejacket person. She helped my version of your (K), who had no experience working with kids or adults at all, work with the little fish and me in a way that was so incredibly helpful. I think kids have awesome perspectives on the world and an amazing way of teaching us about things, and any grown up who stops and pays attention to that or chooses to spend time in that world, gets a big tick from me. I'm so looking forward to hearing how you get on ☺

[Former-Member]

@CheerBear, you always make me cry (in a good way). Thank you for saying you were Kermit-excited to see me pop up in Forum Land. 🌷 You are so kind and so incredibly validating. In the wee hours of this morning when I was failing at the sleep game, I was feeling so hideously ashamed of what I had posted and everything I’m feeling anxious about (I thought about getting online and deleting my post). Then I read your post this morning and … you just get it. You get it and you can see how and why I am a messy, buzzing bundle of extreme anxiety and you make it seem okay. And yep, the tears again. Thank you, @CheerBear. Thank you for getting it. Thank you for making me feel like less of a pathetic, weak freak.

Reading about plane travel and LF and insufficient sides, my instant reaction was to want to help (much like yesterday when emergency plans were potentially needed). Sometimes I wish the forums weren’t so anonymous so we could all actually help each other (in real-world, practical, extra-side-providing ways). Does that make sense? I love anonymous, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I feel helpless watching others struggle and just wish I could really help.

I was talking to my psychologist earlier about being so alone and my fears about something happening to Edie-Cat and the very real possibility (almost 100% certainty) that when she is gone, so am I. I was explaining that a lot of my OCD-type checking behaviour is around making sure nothing happens to her. But also that I worry so much about something happening to me, not because I care if something happens to me, but because there would be no one to look after Edie. If I had a car accident for example, no one would even know I have a cat at home that needs to be looked after. My psychologist said ‘I would know’ but who would know to let her know I’d had an accident? I’ve often thought of putting a card in my purse that says I have a cat at home—but whose number would I put on it? (because realistically it can’t be my psychologist who lives 2 hours away). That total aloneness is scary and I know that Edie is only a little cat and not a little fish, but she is still my whole world and the idea of her trapped in the house for who knows how long … okay I really need to stop now. Sorry. The point was the aloneness/one-person-ness is so tricky. (Okay, I just re-read your post and read ‘furry versions of LF’ and that made me feel better. You so totally get it. 😊)

The phone appointment went okay. I managed to not throw up beforehand (or during) but it did seem like a serious possibility. My psychologist was fairly validating, but I do wish she got it the way you (and others here) do. It was nice to not have to drive for five plus hours for the appointment. I’ve spent most of the day researching the potential new Victorian location. I might go for a drive on Friday so it feels like I am doing something. I’m thinking that staying in Vic might be the best option for my head at this point, even if it does mean being Melly McMelty every summer. I just need some sort of certainty or a plan of attack, at least about this one thing—even if it’s really not perfect at all.

Anyway, sorry to go on and on. I hope you are feeling a wee bit better this afternoon and that your super early start will mean a good sleep tonight (of course, I know it doesn’t necessarily work that way). I hope the day has had some good in it, for you and the LF too. 🌷🦄

P.S. I like all of those, but not so much that I’ve bought their music (though to be fair money for music is rare). Music has been a bit too much for me most of the time lately (like struggling with reading … super not good), but my most recent listening has been Daughter, Royal Blood, and Kate Tempest. Oh and I watched a great doco on ABC about Sarah Blasko and so that inspired some listening too. It sounds like her new album will be a good one (a bit more like her earlier stuff, which I prefer).

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hey @CheerBear, You super need to check out this week's K-Mart catalogue. There are unicorns EVERYWHERE. I've suddenly realised that what I'm really lacking in life is a unicorn stress ball!!! 

@Former-Member There is also a super big dinasour toy in the catalogue that made me think of you. 

I just tried to find the catalogue online but the one on the website isn't the one I'm looking at. I super hope you can find it. It has a unicorn rocking horse and a unicorn LED light on the front cover. I think it might appear online tomorrow because the specials in it start then. 

Ps. TTT will be TTT @CheerBear. I just couldn't call her TTT when I was telling you the story of how she should have been TTE because that didn't sound like it would make sense. 

[Former-Member]

Oops, forgot to say hi to everyone else in the nest ... hello nest. 😊

@frog, thank you for your kind words. My listening eyes are also here if ever you feel like you can/want to share. I totally understand feeling less alone when reading the stories of other people who get it. I hope your day has been okay. 🌷

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

I'm about to jump out of Forum Land for a little while but I just wanted to quickly respond to your post. I have always had EXACTLY the same issue with my animals (now singular, animal) regarding if anything happens to me. When I was locked up in the psych ward a few years ago, my animals (including my dog) were locked in the house for 23 hours before someone was able to get to them. My dog didn't toilet in all that time - just as I knew he wouldn't. I was frantic in the hospital because I knew M wouldn't toilet in the house, and the nurses just told me to "stop going on about your dog" and that "your animals aren't our problem." It was HORRENDOUS. At that time, I did have someone who (eventually) was able to get there (she was a FB aquaintance who I had never met, but who lived in the same area). Now I literally have no one. Like you, if I was involved in a car accident or something, my cat would be locked in the house with no one knowing he was there. It is definitely something that very much weighs on my mind.