Lived Experience Forum

[Pane]

I'm having an increasingly hard time with my bipolar disorder and have been taking lots of time off work in the past few weeks. I want to quit my job (but stay in horticulture of some kind) but as I have to pay my rent and the place I'd like to work is far away and would require moving from where I live now, I can't.

People with bipolar are eligible for disability support but it wouldn't cover my rent and I know that not working would cause further mental decline for me. I'm aware that it wouldn't take much for me to be homeless. I picture it. Especially in depression. It really scares me. I have a small van that I sleep in sometimes when I stay at work overnight but that's by choice. I'm not ready or willing to do full time van life.

Anyone else (especially middle-aged women) fearful about homelessness?

[Glisten]

Hi 👋🏼 @Pane  I am completely relying on the kindness and generosity of friends for a roof over my head, otherwise I would be living in my car.

I’ve been in their apartment for almost 3 months. Everytime I see them I keep thinking they are going to ask me to leave.

Women over the age of 60 are the fast becoming the highest percentage of homeless in Australia.

I never thought my life would turn out like this.

I can’t get a job anywhere, doing anything and I’ve got a Degree.

[Pane]

Hi @Glisten.

were you crying when you wrote this? Whether you were or not ... I hear you... and I want to offer to hold space for you. For us.

Thankyou for sharing. Speaking about homelessness feels like as dirty a word as talking about mental illness. The fact that you're reaching out on these forums suggests that you might have a mental illness too?

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm not quite there yet but I easily could be. I just hope that it's by choice and that I can leave with whatever ounce of dignity and fight to survive and maybe even thrive in my own way. Turning away from stigma and any desire to be on the outskirts of mainstream societal values. I've lived in that space for as long as I can remember, with a reassuring recognition that no-one can sever the connection we have with the more-than-human world. And because we are where we are, we can live with less delusion that we're separate from broader nature. And that that is a gift that I hang tightly onto. I hope that you might find some solace in that remembering too. Whereever you are.

'I never thought my life would turn out like this'. Same. I hear you. It's painful. But something in me wants to live even though thoughts of death are my constant companion.

It's so hard to keep picking yourself up and trying to practice gratitude for what we do have. I'm glad you have friends who have taken you in and I hope that it gives you space to get stronger and do what you need to do to muster up the confidence and belief in yourself to see your worth and your deserving of some feeling of security.

I'll leave it there for now. I'd like to continue this conversation and to keep this connection alive to support each other and to hear each other.

I've taken today off work again Maybe the next couple of days off too. Leading up to Xmas. What a joke Xmas is while in this situation. I don't drink or eat meat so it's uncomfortable for others to have me around this time of year anyway.. I've stayed away from celebration at this time of year (and any other time) several times over the years already. I'm used to it but it does make me feel lonely. Having finally accepted my diagnosis of Bipolar further reinforces that decision. I just lay low and pretend it's not happening 'I never thought my life would turn out like this'. I hear you @Glisten.

[NatureLover]

Dear @Glisten  and @Pane , I really feel for you, especially @Glisten  with being homeless 💔

I am also a middle-aged woman at risk of homelessness. 

I really hope your situation turns around soon, @Glisten ... 🤞

[Pane]

Hi @NatureLover!

Thanks for joining our conversation. Our Community. I hope you're doing ok today?

Usually this precise, present moment in time is absolutely fine but it's really hard not to look back and get depressed, feel regret, shame or whatever flavor our looking back brings. And it's hard not to look forward with stress and anxiety about what could be. That's part of human nature but throw in a malfunctioning brain and it becomes something else right?

Being as present as possible is hard at the best of times, but especially when the cards feel stacked against us. Remembering (and we all do if we allow ourselves to) that no sentient being - human or non-human - escapes suffering sometimes helps me. It still hurts but it makes me feel less alone even if others might not like to talk about it. Most of us run away instead of facing it. I sure do but it feels like my life depends on it sometimes.

Gets more scary for me as I get older. To uproot myelf and shed ideas of the self I thought I knew but doing it, or thinking of doing it can be somewhat empowering. But so is thinking of just taking myself out and back to the earth from which I came a bit earlier than the universe has planned for me.

Sorry if that philosophising is irritating. It's one of my coping mechanisms.

Funny, but I just came back from a Deep Ecology workshop where 'Nature Lover' and 'Community Elder' were integral. I smiled when I saw the name you chose and the reference to Community Elders on these forums.

Anyhow, I don't want to spend all my time online in any form (it has the potential to make me feel more hopeless and depressed) but I'll be checking in at least once or twice a day to stay connected and support each other. I'm so glad yo have finally joined a forum like this. For many reasons but especially because I can see that it's a safer space to express ourselves than with those in our 'real' life.

Thanks for 'being' here guys. In the present moment x

[Glisten]

@NatureLover  Thank you ❤️‍🩹 Every supportive word is a gift.

@Pane  I hope you find this forum a place of comfort and happiness.

My perfect home would be a semi-self sustaining place occupied by highly skilled women. A place to learn, create and grow.

[Eve7]

Hi @Pane  and thank you for starting this thread. You are so correct about middle aged women and homelessness. I recently saw a former work colleague on TV who is now homeless and I know another person who has been a “social” admission in hospital for the past month.

I am contemplating retirement next month and seriously concerned how long my super will last. I do own my home but with the increases in the cost of living I am thinking of trying van life and letting my son and family live in my home.

It is a precarious season with mental health, advancing age and retirement.

Take care ❤️💚❤️

[Pane]

Hi @Eve7.

Thanks for sharing and being able to show an understanding of the stress surrounding homelessness. I'm sorry that you are also facing worries about this in your own life - whether you have a house or not. It's not nice.

I did not know about social admissions to hospital. It's strangely relieving for me to hear that even if I think that the experience could probably do irreversible damage to my confidence, feelings of self-worth, and hope for the future.

There are so many of us. And with fires and floods and wars and so many other unpredictable events that we can't control (none of us choose this. The idea that none of us have true free will in our lives becomes pretty clear to me) its obvious that anyone can become homeless. The complex combination of conditioning factors that influence security in our lives is just mind-boggling.

Anyhow, I'm really loving having this safe space to be able to connect with (I was going to say 'people like you' but I really hate that expression) others wanting and needing to connect.

Hope you have a good day.

[Pane]

Hi again @Glisten,

I hope you have some peace and joy today despite your current situation. And I love your thoughts around  a perfect home. That's hope right there. Hang onto it. 

Ignore this if you want but I wondered if you think it might be worth it to sit down with the friends you're staying with to clarify things. I don't know them (or you) but since they took you in, I would pretty confidently assume that at the very least, they would not even think about asking you to leave over Xmas or New Year. Just a thought. Also, I assume (sorry, I actually hate people making assumptions but I don't know how else to say this stuff and advice, as well meaning as it is, is possibly not what people come here for?) that even if you can't contribute much to expenses, that you might be doing something else to help keep things in order in the house? There might be something else you could do or maybe you could actually ask them? It might make you feel more secure? Volunteering somewhere might give you more confidence or ideas about work too? Could even lead to contacts and work? I have a degree too and lots of other qualifications, knowledge, skills and experience but when stress overtook me, I started to crumble. I mustered up the courage to do apply and do an apprenticeship in horticulture cos I wanted to work with the more-than-human world rather then the human one. But the pay is very low and mental health troubles still rear their heads. Throw in a bit of social isolation et voila! 

But we'll journey on. Who knows what tomorrow brings. Today is our opportunity to shape our tomorrow. Baby steps, then bigger ones?

Hope you have a good day 🙂

[Glisten]

@Pane  Never doubt your intuition. Your 🔮 psychic abilities 100%.
I hesitated raising tis issue because Margo still has a lot of sentimental attachment to the apartment. She recently retired and the apartment had to be close to the hospital for the entirety of her career.

Had coffee with them yesterday and she offered to remove their furniture and personal effects and is open to letting me get a housemate to properly rent it to me, to give them an income by May 2024. YAY

Still would like a Lotto win and if I do ever get the opportunity to have my dream of a share house with semi-retired and retired professional women, you are welcome.