Lived Experience Forum

[Hopesparkles1]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really depressed and depleted in my relationship at the moment and I don't feel like I have much energy to deal with the relationship anymore. I haven't felt like I have had much stability in the relationship for the past 10 months. My partners moods and behaviours have been all over the place all the time and I haven't known what to expect from her from one day to the next. This has led to me having pretty extreme levels of anxiety and the feeling of constantly walking on eggshells. The relationship has been full of constant communication breakdowns and when I have tried to tell her how I have been feeling or how certain things have made me feel she just gets angry and flips everything around on me. She shuts down and doesn't communicate a lot. I feel really depressed and disconnected from her at the moment and I'm struggling to relax and to get back to feeling normal. I think it's because I'm now so hypervigilent I'm always trying to prepare for a change in her behaviour. I don't know whether I can keep going like this or if things will ever change.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Hopesparkles1 

That sounds horrible, but there must be some good parts if you want to keep sticking it out?  Personally it does not sound like a relationship, more like a co-dependance. Can you tell us a bit more of what your relationship is like, do you share a house, have you been together long, Does she tell you that she still loves you?

[Sunnoi]

Hey, 

@Hopesparkles1 

I can relate to having the constant egg shell feeling and not knowing what is going on with your partner or how their mood will be.

My question to you is in those months you noticed a change in your partner what was happening in your lives at the time? Like any serious changes or life events? 🤔  

[Hopesparkles1]

Hey @AussieRecharger thanks for your response

I guess at the moment I'm finding it hard to see the good things and am torn as to whether I want to keep sticking it out. I know that the relationship has had a significant impact on my mental health. We live together and have been together for ten months. Basically what I described in my first post - my relationship has been like that the whole ten months that we have been together. She has undiagnosed adhd  and gets overstimulated easily and I often find that I am on the receiving end of that. She has a short temper and has issues with self regulation. I have some trauma around unpredictability and temper/abrupt mood changes and that kind of thing so I have found I have been very triggered in this relationship. Perhaps it's a good thing because it had helped me to become aware of what my triggers are and what I might need to work on but I also don't know if it's a good thing as I am feeling nervous a lot of the time. She ignored me for a whole day the other day and I tried to find out what was going on with no luck and she left for work without saying goodbye. Every time that kind of thing happens I find it harder to bounce back and feel comfortable with her again 

[Hopesparkles1]

Hi @Sunnoi 🙂

Unfortunately it has pretty much been like this the whole relationship. We have had a lot of stress in the past few months as we moved house and there were a lot of problems with the house that we had to get sorted. I have found that our coping skills tend to be on different levels with life stressors. I found it very hard to be positive throughout it because my partner was being so negative. I often find myself trying to make the best of a bad situation that we might be in and my partner generally wants none of it 

[Sunnoi]

@Hopesparkles1 

Yeah that's not good, life is stressful and hard on it's own to have that when you go home, I've always thought relationships need to be 50/50 and as I wrote that it sounded silly in my head but it doesn't always have to be 50/50 sometimes its 60/40 or 80/20 etc. My meaning is no single relationship is easy or will be easy sometimes theres hard times and good times, but you need to ask yourself if the relationship you have is the relationship you want for yourself or your future? By the sounds of your posts it doesn't seem like you're ok, but also I can see that you may have come on here for some advice? I'm no expert at all but I'll try and help in any way I can.

[Hopesparkles1]

@Sunnoi 

I really don't know at this point. I'm definitely open to your advice and thoughts. My last relationship was very codependent and maybe this one is too I'm not sure. @AussieRecharger said that it sounds more like codependency than a relationship. I've just never had such an up and down relationship and I feel very drained. I told her that I didn't feel emotionally safe with her about a month ago now and I really don't know how to fix feeling like that. She just says things like I don't know what you want me to do or I don't know what you want from me or that she's trying. I have just had a mental health care plan done and am waiting to see a psychologist so I'm hoping it will give me a bit more clarity

[Sunnoi]

@Hopesparkles1 

It does sound co-dependent, but do you feel more that way or does your partner seem more that way?

I think the best thing for you to do is take some time for yourself and I'm glad you have made the decision to help yourself. And definitely because you don't feel emotionally safe, because that isn't ok and if there was anyone you would feel safe with is your partner.

It sounds like she's gas lighting you when she's saying those things to you. 

Can I ask how long you have been together? 

What was she like at the start of the relationship? And how quickly did you notice a change? 

[tyme]

Hey @Hopesparkles1 ,

Good on your for reaching out. I'm sorry it has been a stressful time for you lately. It sounds like you have been doing what you can to restore things, but it hasn't gone down well.

I'm wondering what your partner wants to get out of the relationship. Can she see things are not really working?

Unless someone wants things to be different, it's often difficult to change patterns of behaviour.

Hence, it's about protecting you and looking after yourself. When she is angry, maybe it's about walking away and telling her calmly that you can talk when she's ready? Do you think this will work?

Often, when someone is triggered, the reasoning brain disappears.

Hope things work out better for you all.

[Hopesparkles1]

Hi @tyme 

I'm not really sure to be honest. I feel as long as I don't bring up how im feeling or things that I'm having issues with in terms of her behaviour she's happy. 

She's usually the one to leave the conversation, she shuts down and doesn't communicate for hours on end sometimes. This is when I generally leave and go for a walk or something.