Lived Experience Forum

[OddityHolloway]

Two and a half years ago, I moved out on my own for the first time. The circumstances of moving were traumatic, if only for OCD related reasons, and it took me time to recover from that. Even after that period, living alone took more of a toll on me than I expected.

At the time that I moved, I knew I was Autistic and had OCD, Anxiety, Depression and Emotional Dissociation. In the time since I've realized that I also have ADHD, CPTSD, BPD and DPD.

I've been on a long journey getting to grips with and coming to understand these things. It's been very helpful that my support worker also had CPTSD and BPD, so just talking to her and looking at our shared experiences has been invaluable for learning about BPD, but while I've done a lot of introspection and my relationship with DPD has evolved over time, I haven't had the opportunity to talk to anyone else with DPD, so I haven't been able to get to grips with it as much.

While I have a lot of struggles, it's become clear that DPD is centrally responsible for how difficult these last 2 and a half years have been for me. Having DPD can also just be such an invalidating experience. My needs, strengths and values feel like they exist in such antithesis of those of the society around me. I feel like a fish in a desert surrounded by lizards making me feel lazy for not being able to walk as well as them.

I've come to understand my needs and strengths well enough to know that I'm not interested in trying to live like other people do. I'm devoutly neuro-affirming. I want to honour the strengths of DPD and find supports to supplement its weaknesses. I'd rather be in a wheelchair than live my life as a fish trying to walk.

I know that I'm not able to live on my own and I'm currently trying to find ways to arrange a better living situation for myself, but it's so difficult...

This last 2 and a half years has left me so completely emotionally exhausted and spiritually disconnected... I don't have the energy to do anything other than crawl in the vague direction of progress...

Advice would be appreciated, but I think I'm more looking for validation, especially from others with DPD. Just to know that I'm not alone, that there are other people like me, other people that have these struggles.

[tyme]

Hey there @OddityHolloway ,

I'm hearing you. I have BPD, from which stemmed DPD.

The feelings are real. The pain is real. The emotions are real.

I was not seeking attention. I was not faking it. I was not pretending. 

I was hurting. I was lost. I needed to be cared for.

So yes, I'm hearing you.

TW: Self-Harm

Content/trigger warning

Each time my person stepped out of the room, I'd be stricken with fear and panic. If they said they'd call me at 10, and didn't call by 10:01, I'd catastrophise and start self-harming.

 So I know what you are feeling is real @OddityHolloway 

Good news is, with targeted therapy, lots of tears, hard work and practice, I'm in a much better place.

I no longer have the dependency I once had on people. If anything, I'm super independent. 

Relationships can still be a bit rocky, but I'm absolutely loving life now. I never thought I'd get to this stage.

There are good things ahead @OddityHolloway . Just keep at it!

[MissMuffet]

Hi @OddityHolloway 

I'm not entirely sure what DPD is, but is it Dependent personality disorder? I haven't officially been diagnosed with that, but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I did have it.

Oh how I resonate with this

---

I feel like a fish in a desert surrounded by lizards making me feel lazy for not being able to walk as well as them.

---

And this... 

I've come to understand my needs and strengths well enough to know that I'm not interested in trying to live like other people do. I'm devoutly neuro-affirming.

 I struggle because I don't want to live the life of our society but then I feel as though I'm not trying hard enough / there is something wrong with me, when really they are just unrealistic expectations and I'm just not built for this world. I get frustrated about the world we live in, but I can't change it. I want to be able to say "I can't" but then suddenly I have a defeatist attitude. But then I fall apart after trying to better myself and I'm now a failure. How can we accept ourselves but still continue to live in up to society's standards? I want it to be ok to need someone, to rely on them for (money, food shelter) but then it feels like I'm a burden. Wishing I had the capacity to work more and do everything is just that... a wish. I would be fine if it wasn't a big deal to need help. Like if we had a universal basic income or something. If we lived in a society where "what you do for work" wasn't the biggest value and measure of worth of a person. If basic needs were human rights and not capitalist investments. 

See, I sound like I'm just complaining and blaming everyone else, but I don't know what else to do! I can't suddenly become who I want to. It's almost like I'm that fish and everybody can see an oasis nearby I can jump into but I start making excuses and building sand castle walls around me, when in fact the oasis is a mirage anyway so it was never even an option.

So yeah... I totally get it 

[its-me]

Hi @OddityHolloway, I have BPD and DPD (as well as bipolar 2, ADHD, an ED and social and generalised anxiety in case anyone was wondering 🙃). 

I completely relate to what you have written here regarding your experience with DPD. I would just like to add that, for me, I feel like I almost feel like I can’t make any decision or have any thought or opinion at all without consulting someone else and getting guidance or reassurance from them. It makes exisiting very unsettling and anxiety-provoking. I’m not sure whether anyone else experiences this to any degree or whether it’s just me? I have lived by myself however - on an uni exchange overseas in Europe for seven months. I would like to live alone actually but I can’t afford it. Nonetheless I would still be messaging and calling my friends and family constantly 😅 

I hope that helps somewhat