Lived Experience Forum

[Numlittlebug]

Hi 

I’ve always kinda jokingly said “I don’t have time for a break down I have kids” but although I was jokingly saying it out loud in my head I was denying myself the option because well the kids need to be fed put to bed showered who else was going to do it if I didn’t.

I used the same thought process when it came to self harm and for the last couple of years atleast I haven’t self harmed not because I didn’t want too god knows I want too but because I’m scared of people especially my partner finding out that I’m not ok.

and the truth is I’m not ok not even close I’ve just spent the last few years pushing it all down pretending I don’t matter. 

But I think I’m at breaking point and I’ve spent so much time helping and supporting others that I don’t know how to say I’m not ok and I need help anymore and I’m terrified of not being ok but I’m also exhausted and paralyzed.

And at what point do the thoughts of self harm win over my minds desire to protect the people around me. 

I always assumed that if I was having a breakdown I would know like it would be obvious with flashing lights and such but maybe a breakdown isn’t always obvious 

[tyme]

Hey @Numlittlebug ,

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you right now. 

Whether we are parents, kids, adults or whatever, we are all essentially human.... not superhuman!

It may be breakdown, it may be burnout. It may be just life in general!

Whatever it is, remember to look after yourself. It sounds like you are hurting inside. It sounds like you have so many emotions pushed down within you. This may be a pressure cooker just waiting to explode.

I'd encourage you to find ways to release that pressure a little at a time to prevent an eruption....thoughts?

I have to say, I'm saying the above out of care for you and from my own experience. 

To this day, I still remember the volcano my psychologist drew on a whiteboard in front of me. He said, "This is you." I have never forgotten that explosive feeling within.

To the world, I wanted to show them I had it altogether. Yet deep down, I was drowning in hurt.

Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to be yourself. Allow yourself to heal. 

It can be so liberating just to 'let it out'.

My thoughts are with you,

tyme