having a bad morning

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member
💌 ... ❤❤❤ ... 💐

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member I am glad that you made the point about loving your neighbour as your self BUT NOT MORE THAN.  I made the discovery a while ago that I had been pressured to sacrifice myself much more than most.   So I get a bit of consolation by putting limits on my love and concern for others.

Somehow when our mothers are very damaged they pass on distorted views that allow more damage to occur.

I was shocked by your story about your mother @BlueBay. I hope you are doing better now.

It was a bit like that with mine. it is generational. My mother never realised later when she took what she was not entitled to ... from me.  I always forgave my mother for the abandonments and her ignorance and neglect, but I have drawn the line there. Maybe I should have cut her off at 16 when I left home and never have anything to do with her .. but I know why I kept contact.

I also had the same experience of seeing the rifts develop and see how they replicated previous generations but was powerless to stop it.  I am more at peace now that she is dead. 

Maybe you will eventually find a way to think about your mother in a way that doesnt trigger and overwhelm you. I bought a nanna is perfect cup. It allowed me wry smile, and stopped me eating myself up.

We all have to deal with our mother issues and father issues. I was very triggered in my mother's last year, but now experience a gentler kind of grief, than the earlier griefs I have experienced. 

About forgiveness: it is often touted as a heal-all but we cant forgive people until we actually know what the injury is.  That is putting the cart before the horse.

I wish mother and daughter relations were less fraught.  I see it as a dreadful waste and loss for all of us.  They arent healed by a glossing over kind of forgiving.  @Faith-and-Hope is right when she says that we have to go through it ... but dont rush that kind of relational work ... deal with that later ...

Find your strategies for facing the day. Breathe I think you are amazing in caring for your family, working and dealing with so much ... putting on your face for the workaday world .. at some time maybe the adult males in your life .. should understand how stressed you feel .. rather that being so lacsadaisical .. can your team give you advice on how to broach things with them? If they shoulder some of the load of connecting emotionally you may not feel so isolated and hurt.

[BlueBay]

I'm in that destructive frame of mind at the moment.  Emotional all weekend has taken it's toll. I'm tired of this, tired of everything.

Stuck in a rut because i have to go to work, i am stuck 

grrrrrrrrrrr - i so wnat to scream, punch, run

maybe if i run away and hide from the world; i don't know

my psych is not listening to me

no one is listening

what's the point

i'm sorry i am not in a good head space right now

why is it always in the mornings that i am so damn emotoinal

i am so sick of crying

and then having to be nice and 'happy' at work

grrrrr things shit me so much

too much going on at home

i just wish i could go away

forever and ever and ever

can't even do that

[eth]

We are listening here @BlueBay 

[Former-Member]

@BlueBay

We are listening to you my friend. It's frustrating when we don't receive that peace of mind straight away that we all so desire. And when we are struggling facing the day seems a arduous task - wanting to run away and hide from the world seems blissful when pressured. But unfortunately the depression/anxiety usually just follows. 

Depression/anxiety is always worse in the morning - it's conjures that feeling of being overwhelmed at facing the day (I.e. How will I get through the day as its all too much!). But usually as the day goes on and we become busy and distract ourselves usually the mood can pick up a little, distraction is a great thing when feeling low - and a feeling of small achievement/satisfaction can set in. Believe it or not - if you didn't have these distractions such as work - you would be worse (dwelling on how we feel feeds it). 

But when not well - everything can just seem too much. Especially if the hormones are doing their nasty bit. It will be interesting to see how you go once you see a gyno. Hopeful.

Perhaps this is a good time to speak to your husband (this evening on your return) calmly telling him how you are feeling and what you are going through. Expressing that you would appreciate more support at this difficult time of your life. Communication is so important in assuring our basic needs are facilitated.

I hope your day gets a little better @BlueBay. I hope your day is also good @eth - you are a lovely person. I work with people (customers) too sadgirl and find if I do smile and talk to them about their day (even though I don't feel like it) it improves mine. Hope you find that today too. 🌼

[Decadian]

What you have written is wonderful @Appleblossom

"We can't forgive people until we know what the injury is"

That is so right - I have been battling about how to write this myself - being told to forgive my mother when I have - but there is that cleansing anger - that burns but does not consume

And we are touted that forgiveness is the cure-all - but alas - we can never forgive until we reach a stage in ourselves when we are so tired of our resentments that we have told ourselves the story so often that we know it backwards and finally see

We had our role to play but we were children - and little children are so helpless and often feel they are the cause of what happens to them

Our hearts have to be healed somehow - and then we can heal

How I wish people would stop putting the cart before the horse - it's not the horse's fault - darn it -

I'm a spiritual person - I am a believe in the Book - but we do need to treat others as we treat ourselves - and this means clearing out the mess that was there in the first place

You put it so well

Decadian

[Former-Member]

I oft wonder how far to look back? If my all is ready to fill in the blanks? If my memory of events can even be trusted? And if i will survive it.

I have years missing from my memory of childhood & some in adult life. Just can't recall. I have pulled myself up on former false perceptions & misunderstandings that have left lasting damage that cannot be retrieved.

I'm not sure forcing things to the surface is wise or manageable, for me on my own. Perhaps its just avoidance or procrastination, fear in short, but somehow I have to get through the here and now. Most times today is all i can deal with.

With MI clouding perception, on almost everything, its amazing we can make sense of anything ever.

I don't have the high tertiary education most here seem to have & so skill with words. And forgotten much of what i have learned. But What i do offer comes mostly from my own experience, raw at times but honest. In trying connect here, bare my soul, think it through, & maybe help a little here & there, it somehow helps me balance things, settle down on the inside & I'm strengthened by it. Thank you all for that.

Just sharing 💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

A bit of tertiary education, but no graduation, here @Former-Member.

I think, like some others here, I was born with a love for the written word, fostered by a family who appreciated enquiring minds ...,,,, that's all it takes ......... and you have for that too 😊

Family comes in all shapes and forms, and often is not if the same blood. We are a family of friends here ❤

[BlueBay]

Thanks @eth

@Former-Member I had an okay day at work.  I did call my psych but he wasn't in today so I left a message for him to call me tomorrow. And tomorrow i am at the hospital doing outpatient program which i am looking forward to.  

I have just told my husband that I am seeing my GP tomorrow reg. having tests for zinc, vit d and iron as my depression is a whole lot worse.  And I am so emotional lately especially more so at PMT time.

I did have a few laughs today at work with the customers. I can't wait to talk to a psychologist at the hospital doing group therapy tomorrow and also my psych.

[Decadian]

Aw @Former-Member

This is days late - this is such a fast moving site - it is easy to miss things

We - the broken, the despairing, those of the contrite heart - we do have to be accomodating too - as well, also - and sometimes the chatter can rattle my ear-drums - it is about nothing - and then - I was at a friendship group once when another bereaved mother started to go through her story - and yes - it's a sad one - but right then she had cut across everyone else and I felt as if I was being driven into the floor with a pneumatic drill on top of my head - and I had to leave - well - I did return - it is normal to visit the loo from time to time.

And I understood - there are times when we have to go outside for a minute and ease our own feelings - this was not a morning coffee for bereaved parents - it was a cuppa and chat for people with chronic pain.

aw-umph! :S - whaddayaknow

You have a compassionate friends group - one that needs a proactive leader - and not a bunch of cliquey mates - I can live without that - they almost have their own language

We are off-topic - but this needs an answer - about the blind leading the blind and falling into a ditc. I have thought a lot about them - maybe that ditch is a comfortable place - a bit damp in bad weather perhaps - and not all that pretty

But if the blind have fallen into that ditch together - they are among friends - they have come to the right place

Decadian

If these two posts are too far off topic - I might be able to move them - but I don't know this website well eough yet -