Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away

[Bubbles3]

F..ck this f..ck that. Iv had enough. Devil got me now. No coming back. He has me under control. When will this stop

[Neelix]

Committing suicide or wanting to go to sleep as I put it is a faded memory now. I dont know why it faded that worries me. Ive been working with my pyschologist for a year now. I've begun to feel things and that worries me, it is strange it is like I can feel it. I heard the word 'disassociation' during a session with my pyschologist that worries me. I thought? I'm fake or not real or somewhere else. I heard the words 'safety, protection, relief'...I cried, that worries me.

[Maggie]

Feel like I'm the reason for everything that goes wrong in the world. Sometimes feel like I can't go on another minute, like now, and why bother anyway, what for? Is it really worth putting one foot in front of the other AGAIN. Will the suffering and pain ever end? No one cares, never have and never will. There's no point going on, apart from my fur baby. I'm just soooooooo sick of it. 

[utopia]

I hate WorkCover. I hate CentreLink. I hate my ex employer. I hate the Managers that did this to me.
Anxiety is rising. Irritation - grinding teeth- tight muscles - headache. And I still have two more sleeps to go until I have to attend this crappy Conciliation Hearing. I don't know what will happen. I just know they won't be on my side. They will try to discredit me. Try to say I'm well enough to work. That WorkCover shouldn't pay me anything.
Think they are going to kick me and kick me until I finally crack again.
Why does it have to be so hard?
I hate them all.
(No response)

[Phoenix_Rising]

The waves of suicidal ideation are super gigantic tonight. My latest muddle should never have happened. I am so careful with it. I take responsibility for it by avoiding situations where it can be an issue. This should never ever have happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW how big a muddle this is. I KNOW that no one seems to have an answer for it. Thus I keep it buried in the depths of my soul. The trigger that has brought it all pouring out should never ever have happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm struggling SO MUCH and I have NO ONE that I can talk through this muddle with, until I see my turtle whisperer on Tuesday. I don't even need to actually talk about it, I just need someone here in the real world to sit with me while I cry.

This should never have happened, damn it. Nothing in the world can get this genie back in its bottle, except a whole lot of time.

THIS is why every person I have ever loved has walked out of my world. THIS is why I am so isolated. You don't see it here in Forum Land, and that's why Forum Land works well for me. The trigger should never ever have happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why Fred told me I am creepy and weird. This is why he told me I was too weird for anyone to ever love me. This is why he told me I could only ever be loved in my imagination.

And he was right. Other psychologists might say it in more gentle, euphamistic ways, but they say the same thing. Those few people who know this particuar part of the puzzle have no answer for it. There IS no answer for it. By definition there simply is no answer.

I've known for many years that there is no answer to this particular part of the puzzle, that is why fixing it isn't one of my treatment goals. I truly believe that with the right support, I can create a life worth living in spite of this most fundamental muddle. But I also know that the way I manage this part of the puzzle is to keep myself safe from it being triggered. And generally I am pretty good at that. The other week was the first time in a really really really long time that I fell into a situation where the issue became an issue. And I know from a thousand past experiences that nothing but a whole lot of time is going to settle the consquent storm.

Today is hard, and tomorrow is going to be hard, and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that...

This should never ever have happened and I so badly wish with all my heart that there was someone really here right now to sit with me as I cry out the grief of this most fundamental aspect of my muddle having been ripped wide open. I really need someone here, and there is nobody. There is no one.

(Please don't respond).

[Former-Member]

I worry that I am a bad mother and don't deserve my children. I worry that one of these days I won't be able to control my SH. I worry that it will get all too much and I will go one step too far. I worry that all my trauma's are too much to handle. I am such a bad mother for even having those thoughts when it would mean putting my children through so much pain and heartache. I hate myself for thinking this way. I hate myself for doing what I do to myself. 

[Adek]

Am tired and sleepy. And wondering what i'll do if i have to live another 20 yrs ahead..

[Bubbles3]

and it has happened again @Former-Member. u have deleted my shit again

[Former-Member]

my life will always be this way, will always feel this hard. will always be the odd one out who never fits or belongs anywhere. will never be able to work hard enough, do enough to be deserving of anything else. to be hitting rock bottom again and failing at life.

[Bubbles3]

f.ck this

f..ck that

i really hate me

i wish i wasnt here

my life is a mess

kelly wont leave me alone

i want here to go away