Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away

[Phoenix_Rising]

Ok...so this isn't exactly a worry, it is more something that is filling up my inside with big frustrated feelings. However I figure it is probably ok to dump it here (or someone will tell me if it isn't). So here goes...

I can't decide what frustrates me more; the fact that the people who know the bigness of my muddle seem to get swamped by it, not know where to start, and thus increase my feelings of hopelessness about how I can move forward...or the fact that people who know a tiny bit of my muddle throw up some simplistic answer and then make me feel like I'm being pathetically negative when I don't show great enthusiasm for their "solution." I oh-so-badly want someone to kind-of go "crap, that's a big muddle, let's start figuring out how to sort it out." I think I possibly have found that someone in my new psychologist...but I am SO FRUSTRATED at how slow the process is. To me, I've clearly stated my treatment goal, I've provided a mountain of written material regarding my history, and now I just want to get on with creating a life worth living.

Yes, the muddle is big. Yes, it is complex and multi-layered. Yes, it is going to take a while to sort out. But can we please at least get started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The longest journey begins with a single step...let's get on with taking that step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know the issue, I know what I need, please can we just get on with it!!!!!!!!!

I am at least hopeful that things might move a bit quicker with my current psychologist compared to the one who dumped me in November. She was of the view that it could take 6 months to build the therapeutic relationship before we really got started. Are you serious? To me, the relationship is built THROUGH doing the work, not PRIOR to doing the work.

I know I am super task orientated. Setting and achieving goals is what helps elevate my mood so that I can set and achieve further goals. I just need some help around doing this. My brain is totally fried from a whole lot of trauma stuff. I get that that is going to take a while to deal with. But I still want to be moving forward in the meantime, and I truly believe I can with the right support.

It is all SO FRUSTRATING. And if one more person tells me "these things take time," I think I am going to strangle them! Yes, they take time, but if you don't actually MAKE A START then they will take an eternity. I have been stuck in the mental health system for TWENTY YEARS. Just exactly how much more time should I expect it to take! I've now been free of the very complex 16-year relationship I was in with my psychologist, for 18 months...and I don't seem to have moved a single step forward. Indeed, in addition to the major event that heralded the end of that relationship, the past 18 months have been a blur of therapist shopping and repeated losses such that my brain is now so cooked I don't know which way is up. And that's ok...so long as I can still have some sense that my muddle is fixable. My current psychologist has told me several times that she believes she can help me create a life worth living...but because we are still trying to sort out boundary stuff etc. we haven't actually STARTED along that path. I just want to START. I get that it will take a while, but I simply want to start so that I can have some hope!!!! Angry and frustrated!!!!!

Sigh...ok, I think I do feel better for having got that all out. Alright, so now the plan is that I dump this here, slam the door of the worry room very loudly as I leave, and walk away. Ok, I can do that. Done!

[TheVorticon]

I am just using this thread to try and deal with things right now rather than being destructive.

I want to break something because I feel angry/sad because:

• work is stressful because of a deadline on a boring thing that's not completed thoroughly by someone in the team
• I'm weak and scrawny fat, not built like I want to be
• I haven't achieved anything worthwhile
• I don't relate to people and can't sustain conversation with them and am BORING

[Former-Member]

Like others on here I see this as an opportunity to just release some worries and pent up frustrations and walk away:-

I see some very sad and distressing situations in my volunteer work. This does not effect me detrimentally in the least if I am able to help - makes me feel a sense of purpose and achievement. Making a difference in the world instead of thinking over my own woes too much. But if I don't achieve that I can feel the opposite - failure. It's a risk and I am a risk taker. I like a challenge - if that isnt there I can feel very unmotivated very quickly. And feel unchallenged currently - not sure if that is stress making me feel that way (not achieving much).

 I like to be where I can make a difference or do nothing. I am a all or nothing person. No inbetween or compromise. Can't stand any compromise over what is the right thing to do. How do people like that sleep at night? They think they are safe until they wake up one day feeling empty. I am afraid of feeling like that if I fail. I don't think I am perfect, not by a long stretch, quite the opposite - but I do know what it is like to have the wrong thing done to me.

 I have encountered people recently at work whom attempt to take advantage of myself and the assistance our organisation offers - how can people be so callous, don't they know they taking out of the mouths of the poor and disadvantaged???? Do they realise that these funds can run out and people will suffer - because of their selfishness and greed?????? They take the good for granted - a mistake as one day those resources may run out because of people like them that suck dry the resources and those who give so selflessly.

And we have had volunteers who have "stolen money from our shop". I have to contain my anger - how can one not judge under these circumstances. They are there for to serve themselves not others. But the managers allow them to work there again. Where is the leadership as to me this is so wrong. And the fact So few want to serve others. Only care about themselves and direct family. And then will say "what is wrong with the world". So frustrating!!!! Are they truly that blind. (Frustration building).  

And then there are others who can't see how good they have it in ways - whom are so "self absorbed" and "whinge over everything with not one thought of those who are worse off!!" Self absorbed in their own depression and anxieties, even to the point when good things happen they will look for any excuse to be depressed and self absorbed again! Will only listen to those who pamper their "woe is me" and not point the truth out to them (which would be really helping them). So hard to watch this bs.

As well as experiencing them take out their pity party and anger on their partners or others around as whipping boys. Only concerned with "how they are feeling". No on the damage they themselves are doing. And if any positive suggestion is made they can't have that and shun the receiver - that would mean to heal and to not become so self absorb!!! Not to be the centre of attention anymore. So selfish!!! Selfish people rile me up as it's all about them - while so many others give and suffer so much in silence!!! It's pathetic. Why can't they extend themselves beyond themselve.....so frustrating to observe that I move away.....Not out of judgement just frustration. 

It helps to see that counteracted here where some others offer love and support - there's the needed balance but oh so rare. I though maybe I should hold these frustrations in, but having done that in the past I know it will only resurface in depression etc so better to just let it out, the  walk away from it to get on with it.

Needed to go get that out. I think all I see and experience can be a huge load - and to see so called volunteers be there because they can get something out of it for them and not care a hoot about those doing it tough really gets to me. They shouldn't be there. Why can't some people care beyond their own needs?

And the good ones can be treated like crap....

Maybe I lack patience but so sick of selfishness and greed in this world - it causes so much neglect and misery. So over it at times....knowing it's the root of most mental anguish...

I am worried about the possible upcoming house move...hoping I am making the right decision, hoping it doesn't become too stressful. There is so much money involved that we worked and suffered so much for. Hoping it will be a positive experience as the last few years have been very tough and although I did well getting through, I need a balance. I need something "good to happen for a change". Good things for good people instead of trials and adversity. Wouldn't it be nice.

[SteamedToast]

Also feeling like I just need to talk to someone to let this out.

I recently went through a separation with my partner of 6 years when he told me he didn't love me anymore. After he moved out I couldn't afford to rent on my own in Sydney and had to move back to Canberra to live with my family. I not only lost my partner/best friend, I also lost my job, my home, my friends and the city I loved.

I've been staying with my parents for a couple of months. They have a large house, and are quite well off with no mortgage or other financial stresses. I've been applying for jobs every week with no luck. Today I was told by dad that I have two weeks to get a job and get out.

I feel so heartbroken. Only two weeks ago my dad was managing my medication as I couldn't do it myself due to SI. Now that I have shown the slightest bit of improvement he wants me out. My family has always tried to be supportive, I can't fault them for that. But it is so hard for them to see the seriousness of my MI. I've struggled with it for over 8 years now, but because I have been able to function relatively well in the real world they don't see how hard things really are.

I don't want to be living with my parents. I don't even want to be living in this town. It hurts me so much that they don't think I'm trying my best to get out. I really can't do much more. I'm absolutely devastated.

[Former-Member]

@SteamedToast 💕🌹

[Former-Member]

😔😫😣😟🤔😏😠😑😔😢

[Faith-and-Hope]

All seasons in one day ?

@Former-Member

[oceangirl]

How are you @SteamedToast ?

I'm hoping you could talk to your Dad and ask him that you stay with him until you are well enough to leave. I am hoping you are okay

[Matt12]

Tuff one, you lost a leg and you have all the support you need, have a MI and its all in your head and your concern..somethings take time to change and may never..stay where you are and delay the process by keeping very quiet until your ready to GO !..

[Phoenix_Rising]

I feel hopeless, alone and afraid. I don't understand human relationships, I simply don't. And I know that this makes me vulnerable to getting hurt...and I have no-one to help me know what is safe and what isn't. My psychologist (P) and I got into a muddle during our session on Monday. She knows how much I am struggling with intense suicidal ideation and she had asked me to brainstorm ideas of how she might be able to give me some extra support. The only thing I came up with was a scheduled between session phone call - an idea that is stated in the DBT treatment manual. When I told P about it, she said that she had also thought a phone call later in the week (our sessions are always on Mondays) would be good. So...I left the session on the understanding that we would have a phone call on the Thursday. P emailed me a few hours later to confirm a time for the call. When I emailed back, I told her how much it meant to me that she was doing this for me, and that it helped me to know she genuinely cared given that the call was something she didn't get paid for. Well...then she emailed back and said that actually, she would be billing Victim's Services for the call.

I went into spectacular crisis. After a few emails back and forth we agreed to bring the phone "session" forward to that evening (thus meaning I had two sessions with my psychologist in one day!!!!). Well...when she called me at the agreed appointment time for the phone SESSION, SHE DAMN WELL CALLED ME FROM HER MOBILE PHONE WHILE DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In what parallel universe is that ok??? If it was a phone CALL that she wasn't charging for, I would have been more ok with this, but this was a SESSION that she was getting paid for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How is this ok? I hold core beliefs about being invisible and worthless. How does conducting a session with me FROM YOUR CAR help me to feel like you actually give a damn about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But what do I do? P is the NINETH therapist I have seen in twelve months. How can they all be this damn incompetent!!!!!!! One day I'm going to sit in here and tell the stories of what happened with therapists 1-8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I simply don't have it in me to keep therapist shopping. It is hopeless. I've now had eleven sessions with P and I am not a single step closer to achieving my treatment goal (gain and sustain employment). I simply don't have it in me to start over again. And anyway, I do like P...I'm just not clear right now on how she can help me. I've asked repeatedly to see her case formulation and treatment plan, to no avail. I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually have one.

I feel utterly hopeless. I know that with the right support I could heal my brain...but as to how to get that support, I have no idea. The only options I have are either to stay with P, find someone else, or quit trying altogether. Staying with P is definitely the best of those three bad options...and thus I am back in the situation of staying in a less-than-ideal therapeutic relationship because it is safer to stay than to leave. Last time I tried to raise my concerns re. our relationship with P, she gave me the "well perhaps I'm not the right person for you" spiel. So...my options really are to either put up or shut up. I feel utterly utterly utterly worthless.

F (psychologist I was in a complex relationship for 16 years with) would just be laughing at me if he could see the muddle I'm in now. He always told me that no-one else would treat me and that he was the only one who would stay. He always told me that no one else would support me in the way that he did. And he was right. If I could jump in a time machine, I'd go back to him in a heartbeat. I realise that even though a lot of bad stuff happened in that relationship, I was much safer with him, than I am now. He was right all along. No one else will ever care about me the way he did. Even though the bad stuff was bad, he DID care about me more than anyone else and now I don't know how to ever feel safe. I am invisible, I am worthless.